


Sleep Without You

by turningthepages



Series: Sleep Without You [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Best Friends, Bottom Castiel, Cuddling & Snuggling, Excruciatingly Oblivious Boys, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Idiots in Love, Jealous Dean, Love Confessions, M/M, Mild Smut, Oblivious Castiel, Oblivious Dean, Pining Castiel, Platonic Cuddling, Resolved Sexual Tension, Sad Castiel, Slow Burn, Top Dean, Worried Dean
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-30
Updated: 2017-06-18
Packaged: 2018-10-26 00:04:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 60,376
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10775289
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/turningthepages/pseuds/turningthepages
Summary: Maybe he didn't need to wrap his arms around Cas at night. And maybe their legs didn't need to be so tangled. But Cas had read somewhere that being that close could synchronize their heartbeats and make them calmer at night and therefore it would help them sleep better. It was for scientific reasons that they were a heaped pile of grabby octopus legs and blankets every night.Dean and Cas have been best friends since they were six. They're now twenty and in college and sharing a bed nearly every night. Yet, they still deny that they are together. Everyone around them knows Dean and Cas are in love with each other, they are just waiting for the two to figure it out for themselves.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is going to be cheesy and cliche AF but it was an idea that was in my head that I couldn't let go. Enjoy :)

“How are your feet always so damn cold?” Dean grumbled, trying to inch his legs out of the reach of that frigid wakeup call. It was too damn early to be waking up but he’d already hit snooze twice and if he hit it again he’d definitely be late.

A tired and blanket-muffled voice spoke next to him, “I don’t know. I hate it.” Dean had to laugh to himself. 

“You hate it? You’re not the one who's always woken up by cold feet on your legs.” 

He was met with those same cold feet pressing more firmly against his calves before the mound of blankets next to him spoke again in its ever-grumpy tone, “You’d think that after fourteen years you’d have stopped complaining.” 

“You’d think that after fourteen years you’d stop warming your damn feet on me.” He responded, kicking his feet away. 

“But it’s so cold and you’re so warm.” An icy nose nuzzled into his shirt collar and Dean tried to pull away but it wasn’t a valiant effort. He wouldn’t have minded staying longer his bed was that perfect degree of warm that made it impossible to get up, but really, he did have to go. 

“Move over. I have to go to class.” He grumbled unhappily, this time trying to extract himself from the warm cocoon that had been made in his bed. Grabby arms pulled him close again. 

“No! It’s too cold.” 

“I’ll get you another damn blanket you big baby.” Dean took a moment to kick the blankets from around his feet, making sure not to let any cold air into the bed before sitting up with a discontented grunt. 

“What would I do without you?” 

“Apparently freeze to death.” Dean joked. As promised, he threw another blanket from the hall onto the bed hearing a muffled ‘thanks’ in response then went about getting ready for the day. 

He honestly kind of hated himself each morning for thinking that a nine-o’clock class was a good idea because really, who in their right mind took classes before noon in college? Apparently only dumbasses like Dean Winchester. He was a junior in college by now and one would have thought he would have figured that one out freshman year. Despite it being early, Dean was thankful it was a class he enjoyed going to; a film studies course that he’d selected as his final humanities credit. It was a credit that in no way pertained to his criminal justice degree he was pursuing, but he loved it anyway. 

Knowing that it was the last ‘easy’ class he got to take before graduating and then going into the police academy, Dean couldn’t stay annoyed with the early morning hour too much. 

When he was almost ready and out the door, he walked back into his room and plopped down onto his bed to address the lump of cotton in the middle of it. He knew by the lack of snores he wasn’t addressing a sleeping form but still spoke softly regardless, “Hey Cas, are you going to stay here or go back to yours tonight?” 

Cas grumbled but peeked his head out through a tiny space in the duvet. “Probably go back to mine. I left my notes for philosophy and I have that test tomorrow.” 

Dean nodded and stood up, smiling down at the tangled mess of blankets Cas had become, “Okay, I’ll be over there after my date.” 

“Bela?” Cas asked through a yawn. 

“Yeah.” Dean smirked smugly to himself. He’d been trying to score a date with her for months now, and she finally agreed to it. He didn’t know why she'd agreed, but she was smoking hot and he wasn’t going to question it. 

Dean could hear the fond eye-roll in Cas’s voice, “Have a good time.” 

“Thanks. Go back to sleep buddy.” Dean called over his shoulder as he grabbed his backpack from next to his bedroom door and headed towards the living room. 

He spotted his roommate Benny leaning on the counter looking worse for wear drinking coffee straight out of a cereal bowl. 

“First off, you look like shit which means that you probably had a damn good night. And second, if you’d just wash the dishes instead of leaving them in the sink to mold, you might have a coffee cup to drink out of.” 

Benny fixed a half-hearted glare at Dean, “Yeah, yeah, fuck you Winchester.” 

“You’re telling me about last night the next time I see you.” Dean shouldered his backpack more securely as he waltz into the kitchen to grab a quick breakfast. 

“You gonna be here tonight?” Benny asked.

Dean’s responded over his shoulder as he poured himself a to-go cup of coffee and grabbed a poptart. “Nah, staying at Cas’s.” 

“Don’t you got that date with Bela?” 

Dean waggled his eyebrows, “Hell yeah I do. Took long enough.” 

“Where you taking her? And if you answer with ‘The Roadhouse’ I will have to throttle you.” 

“Dude. Come on, I wouldn’t take a chick like her there. I made actual dinner reservations at that riverside place with the French name.” 

“Look at you, brother, maybe this one will actually work out for you.” 

“Yeah, yeah. One can dream.” Dean had to stop himself from allowing the momentary erotic imagines running through his mind to take over. It had been way too damn long since he'd had a good lay. Shaking the fog out of his head he started for the door. 

“See ya!” He called back to Benny before stopping and turning to look at the big man shuffling through their cabinets. “Oh and stop eating Cas’s stupid health bars, he blames it on me and I don’t hear the end of it.” 

“They’re so good though.” 

“There’s this thing called a grocery store. Fucking utilize it.” Dean shot back. 

Benny smirked at him before reaching into the box of bars and pulling one out. Dean fixed him with an icy glare, knowing Cas would blame him yet again for taking his food. Dean made a mental note to stop at the store the next chance he could get to stock up, since Benny couldn’t be bothered to step foot into a grocery store. 

“You’re going to pay me for those or so help me.” Dean threatened. 

“You’re going to be late, cher.” Is all Benny said in reply. Dean rolled his eyes before shutting the door and jogging down to his car to head to class. 

He spent the day in his classes thrumming with nervous energy. This was his first date in months, and he was hoping that this one wouldn’t turn out to be a dud like the rest of them. Lately, every time he’d gone out with a girl he thought he’d connected with they wouldn't answer his calls for a second date. With each passing rejection he was getting more frustrated. It made no sense to him why he couldn't just seal the deal. 

In high school he’d had girlfriends right and left. When one would go another would quickly replace her. Not that they were serious relationships, never really lasting more than two months, but Dean had at least gotten to second base with all of them and a full home run with two. College had started off that way too when he met Cassie, but three months into that relationship and she’d made some half-hearted excuse to break it off. Since her it had been a long string of failed relationship attempts. He thought he’d made a breakthrough when Lisa agreed to a second date, and then a third, and by one month together he felt pretty secure he got his groove back, but that was no dice as well. 

He wasn’t _convinced_ Bela would be a win for him, with the amount of times she’d turned him down, but if anything he was hopeful. Hopeful that it would _at least_ end with some steamy make out session in the Impala by the end of the night. Man, what he wouldn’t do for a good make out right about now. A nice time just biting and nipping... hands creeping ever so slightly under their shirt.... Fuck! 

It’d been months and he was feeling a _bit_ frustrated. Okay, majorly frustrated. God, he needed this night to go well. He wasn't even asking for anyone to get naked. Really. He'd take anything at this point! 

The day ticked on and he grew increasingly more fidgety, though that wasn't out of the norm for him. He was generally a pretty fidgety person and school made him downright antsy sometimes but this last hour, knowing it was only a few hours away from his date, was making him question if his professor would be more annoyed if he stood in the back of the class or just kept tapping his pen on his knee. (Something told him his professor would be annoyed either way). 

The minute his professor reminded them of their upcoming paper due that weekend, Dean was out the door heading back to his car like his ass was on fire. 

He made it back to his apartment with an hour to spare before he needed to go pick up Bela. 

Exhaustedly, he threw his stuff down on the floor of his room, grinning when he saw the bed neatly made; something Cas couldn’t be paid enough to do at his own place but did for Dean because that’s the way Dean liked it. (There was something far more appealing about stripping back the covers and sinking into bed than untangling them from a heap when you were already exhausted. If that made him weird, then so what?) 

He shot off a grateful text and asked Cas which shirt he should wear for the date. 

_Cas: White button up and navy blazer. The one you wore to Anna’s wedding._

_Cas: Also, don’t assume I’m not annoyed at you for leaving me with your disgusting peanut butter and jelly flavored Poptarts this morning!_

**Dean:** Dude how many times do I have to tell you it’s Benny that eats them

 **Dean:** Do I need to wear a tie 

_Cas: He denies it each time I ask him and I’ve seen you eating them before._

_Cas: No tie. Leave the top button undone._

_Cas: Wear your dress pants NOT your jeans. We got them fitted for you to actually wear them, not to be left in the back of your closet._

**Dean:** Benny’s a liar 

**Dean:** We’ll go grocery shopping this weekend 

**Dean:** I’m going to get ready now 

_Cas: Have a nice time tonight._

**Dean:** I’ll be at your house after don’t try and stay up I know you have a test 

As expected, Cas didn’t respond—never one for texting much—so Dean busied himself with laying out the outfit Cas had told him to wear before taking a quick shower and actually attempting to do his hair. 

He knew he was an attractive guy, heard it in so many different words through the years… but _damn_ did he look good in a suit or what? He checked himself out in the mirror, making sure that each piece of hair was in place and that the leftover pizza he’d needed to snack on while he was getting ready wasn’t stuck in his teeth. There was no way Bela wouldn’t come crawling back for more, he told himself. Then later redacted to: There's no way Bela won't ask for another date--because Bela is a classy lady and doesn't 'crawl back for more' of anything.

He knew it sounded like a dumbass but as long as he could impress her enough for tonight maybe she'd look past his idiocy.

Checking one... two last times in the mirror, Dean grabbed his keys jogged excitedly down the steps to his car. 

* * *

He got back from his date in a _sour_ mood... and even though the counter did nothing two him he still shucked his keys onto it with a force. 

He should have _known._ Even his perfectly fitted pants couldn’t help him get any _even though_ she’d looked at him like a piece of meat the second she opened her front door. What the hell was his problem? 

Bela seemed to think she knew...

He shook his head and took a deep calming breath as he toed off his shoes. The night had started promising, light hearted jokes in the car—an impressed face on Bela’s part when she saw the restaurant he was taking her to. Hell, he even pulled out her chair and told her to pick anything she wanted (he’d saved for weeks to be able to take her to this place). But before the main course even came out the date quickly faded to a night Dean would have preferred to run away from. 

She had made it _explicit_ that she’d only gone on a date with Dean just to judge if the rumors about him were true. Rumors he was completely (okay, partially) unaware were floating around about him. She sat there acting like she knew him, assuming things about him that she couldn’t possibly know, all based on word of mouth from other people. It was infuriating to listen to her acting as if she knew what she was talking about when it came to him. 

And he’d just sat there, stunned that she didn’t even wait until after dinner to spring this all on him. That's what sucked the most probably, knowing he _had_ to sit through the rest of the night, listening to her try and bring Dean’s hidden secrets to life because if he just walked out on her he'd be known as a grade-A asshole to anyone she was associated with. (Which was a lot of people, by the way). And maybe what sucked even more than _that_ was that she wasn’t all that wrong about the things she'd said... Deep down he knew she had made some good points. Some things she said made him question all the choices he’d been making. 

But goddamn, he’d spent a couple hundred dollars just to have a shit therapy session from a girl who had never been interested in him in the first place. And at the end of the night, instead of getting to make out with her in the car, he got to stew it wondering where he went wrong with his damn love life. 

It was like he was cursed or something. He was too tired to think about it. Now, all he wanted to do was to climb into bed and fall into a deep, deep sleep. 

After realizing that throwing his keys and huffing and puffing wasn't entirely the smartest thing to do this late at night if he didn't want to wake everyone up, he tried to be quiet as he moved through the apartment. He didn’t need to turn on a light as he made it down the hallway and into the bedroom, reaching blindly for some clothes out of the drawer. He trailed his hands along the wall as he guided himself into the bathroom, closing the door behind him before he turned on any lights. He took a quick shower before drying himself off, throwing on his pajamas, brushing his teeth and heading back to the bedroom. 

There were snores coming from the dark heap of blankets in the middle of the bed causing Dean to laugh quietly to himself, any and all tension immediately releasing from his shoulders, because Cas was so damn adamant he didn’t snore, not ever. But there he was, day in and day out snoring away in his little coccoon of blankets. One of these days, Dean swore to catch him on camera. 

Trying to not jostle the bed too much, though Cas’s bed was irritatingly squeakier than his own (memory foam, bitch), Dean slid under the covers. Instantly he felt himself reaching his arms out to pull Cas against him. 

A sleepy sigh came out from the other man, “How was your date?” 

"You're suppose to be asleep." He whispered. He took a moment to figured out what he was going to say, because man did he have some stuff to say but he didn’t feel like recounting the exact details of the date. Downright lying to his best friend would be useless though, since Cas knew him far too well for that. Instead he tiptoed carefully around the question. “It could have been worse. She seems…. nice enough.” He supplied. 

“But?” 

Dean struggled to find a way to put a positive spin on the situation; he didn’t like complaining about his failed love life to Cas and he was especially having a hard time dealing with this particular failed date. “But…" He floundered for a minute. Trying to come up with a plausible excuse to why he might not like such a seemingly perfect woman. "She seems a little too much of the take charge kind of girl.” 

Cas chucked softly, “Lisa didn’t take charge enough, Bela takes charge too much...” 

Dean knew where this conversation was going to go but asked anyway, “What are you getting at?” 

“You always seem to find something wrong with everyone you go out with.” 

“It doesn’t help that none of them call me back anyway so it doesn’t matter if I find something wrong with them.” And maybe he never told Cas the full story about why girls never seemed to want to call him back or the conversations that usually ended his relationships, but his words were still true. It didn’t matter if he found faults with the people he went out with since none of them stuck around long enough for Dean to find anything good about them… besides their looks. Why he kept trying to go out with girls like that he didn't know...

Or that's what he told himself.

“Maybe you need to change the type of person you’re looking for.” Cas suggested. He had to shift in his spot as Dean attempted to get the sheets untangled from Cas's self-made blanket burrito, causing Cas's back to be more firmly pressed against Dean's chest. When Dean’s arm was settled under the pillows above their heads, Cas laid his head back down and pulled the blanket to his chin. 

“What do you mean?” Dean asked, questing Cas's advice. 

Cas shrugged and yawned before speaking. “You have a type.” 

“What? Female?” Dean joked. He ran through the different girls he’d dated in his past and nothing seemed to link them all together. They were just girls who seemed willing to date him. 

“Unattainable.” 

“Seriously?” It wasn’t a word he’d use to describe them. Uptight maybe. Unattainable, nah… they were definitely attainable he just needed to step up his charm. 

“You go for girls who are always the hardest to get, who expect you to be the perfect man for their perfect lives.” 

“I do not.” Dean scoffed. 

He could practically hear the eye roll in his best friend’s voice. “You do.” 

“So you’re saying I’m not perfect?” He didn’t want to go too deep in this conversation at the moment, so he tried to deflect with a little humor. 

“Dean, don’t twist my words.” 

Dean grumbled, “Whatever. You’re one to talk though.” 

“How do you mean?” 

“You and your ‘I’m too good for dating,’ thing you’ve got going on. Your standards are through the roof man.” 

It was true though. Dean hadn’t seen Cas date since high school. He’d had a semi-long term boyfriend (six months being a long time by high school standards), but after their breakup Cas just didn’t seem interested in dating anyone else, not even talking to guys online or anything. Dean had tried to set him up a few times with some people he'd thought would actually be worth Cas's time but no matter how much Dean had sold the other guy, Cas _always_ turned those offers down. 

Cas shrugged again, “There’s nothing wrong with knowing the type of person I’d want to spend my life with. Besides, I’ve got school to focus on. I’m perfectly content with my life the way it is. Why add the stress of trying to find the ‘right person’ into the mix?” 

Dean thought it was pretty cute that Cas still had the idea of finding ‘The One’ in his mind. It just wasn’t something Dean thought he believed in; knew he shouldn't believe in. People weren’t meant to stay together forever, it just didn’t work that way. No matter how much you loved someone, eventually someone fell out of love and someone else got hurt. That's why dating quote-unquote unattainable women was so much easier. No one had to worry about getting their heart broken or getting too emotionally attached to something that couldn't last. But Dean didn’t like to voice those things to Cas. If his best friend wanted to believe in happily ever after, Dean wasn't going to stop that. If anyone deserved all the happiness in the world, it was his best friend. He'd be supportive of Cas no matter what and he'd be there to catch him if things didn't work out like a fairytale. 

“Don’t you want to try and find someone though?” Dean asked, curious if Cas had changed his mind on dating since the last time they’d had a talk like this. 

Cas didn’t reply for a moment and Dean wondered if he’d already fallen back to sleep. 

“Someday.” Cas supplied eventually, “But for now it’s just not going to happen and I’m happy with how things are anyway.” Cas adjusted himself so that he laid more comfortably, his back to Dean’s chest. 

“I get that.” Dean mumbled through a yawn. 

Once Cas’s snores started up again, Dean laid there in the dark trying to shove down the thoughts in his mind telling him that he too was happy with how things were, especially in the quiet moments right before falling asleep when everything in his life just seemed to make the most sense. 

* * *

**14 Years Ago**  
**Dean and Cas, age 6.**

The birds were singing happy songs and his mommy had said that the weather was suppose to be sun shiny all day long so they could stay at the park for a long time. Dean loved the park so much. It was his favorite place. He got to swing on the swings, go on the slide a hundred times, and even play in the sand. But his most favorite part was that he could drive his cars on the real ground, not just the carpet in his living room. It was more fun to drive cars in the dirt. He couldn’t wait to be big and drive his real cars in the dirt. 

Even Sammy liked the park. He wasn’t that big so he couldn’t go on the slide yet, but Mommy let Dean push Sammy in the baby swing and let him play with him in the sand. Sammy didn’t like the sand at first, but when Dean showed him how cool it was, Sammy started to like it too. 

“Dean, sweetheart, come here for a second.” 

Dean was playing with his best cars. He just built the coolest ramp to drive his cars fast off when he thought he heard his mommy’s voice. 

“What Mommy?” He called out to her, not looking away from his toys. 

“I said come here.” Dean looked up at her to see her smiling at him, sitting next to a man on the bench. 

“Okay!” He said and ran as fast as he could to her. 

“Dean, this is Mr. Chuck, he just moved into the blue house by us.” 

Dean looked at the man and waved. “Hi Mr. Chuck.” 

Mr. Chuck smiled nicely at Dean, “Hey there Dean. How are you?” 

“Good. Look, these are my cars.” Dean knew that Mr. Chuck would probably think they were so cool too. He had to show them to him. Maybe he’d want to play with Dean and his cars. Dean didn’t like it when Sammy stuck his cars in his mouth so he didn’t play cars with Sammy. 

“Those are really cool.” 

“Yeah! This one looks just like Uncle Bobby’s, he gave it to me.” He held up the blue car and let Mr. Chuck hold it for a minute. 

His mommy touched his hair and got it out of his eyes for him, “Dean, sweetie, do you see that boy over there?” 

Dean looked at where she was pointing and saw a boy his age sitting on the steps of the play set. 

“Yeah.” Dean answered. 

“That’s Mr. Chuck’s little boy. I was wondering if you’d like to go over there and ask him to play. He looks like he wants someone to play with.” His mommy smiled at him. 

Mr. Chuck was smiling too. He handed Dean back his blue car when he started talking, “We just moved here and he could use some new friends. You seem like you’d make a good friend for him.” 

“Oh yeah! I’m a good friend.” Dean said confidently. 

“His name is Castiel, but he likes to be called Cas. Do you want to go say hi to him?” Mr. Chuck asked. 

Dean nodded his head super fast, “Yes!” 

He ran over to the little boy, wondering what game they could play first. 

“Hi. I’m Dean.” He said to the boy. When the boy looked up Dean smiled at him. “Your daddy says your name is Cas. Do you want to play with me? I have cars.” 

Cas looked confused for a second but then nodded his head. “Okay. I’ll play.” 

“Which car do you want? The blue one or the green one?” Cas looked at Dean for a little while before deciding. 

“The green one, please.” 

Cas was so awesome. He even made the car sounds like Dean did. Dean taught him all the games he could remember. It was the best day at the park ever. He liked playing with someone who was big like him. 

“I don’t get this game.” Cas said when Dean tried showing him how to race. 

“It’s not a game, it’s just playing. Don’t you want to race?” 

Cas shrugged his shoulders. “How do I do that?” 

“I say ready-set-on-your-marks-go and then we go as fast as we can until I say stop.” 

Cas looked at Dean with a squinty face, “Why can’t I say stop?” 

“Because that’s the rules.” Dean said back. 

Cas’s nose scrunched up, “I don’t like that game. Can we go on the swings now?” 

“Yeah! Race you!” Dean said before tagging Cas and running speedy quick to the fastest swing. 

They had so much fun that day, and Dean and Cas both begged Cas’s daddy to let him stay. It wasn’t until Mr. Chuck promised to bring Cas back the next day that Dean let go of Cas’s hand. 

Dean was so happy that he now had a new best friend. Even though Sammy was still his best friend but he was too little so Cas was now Dean’s best friend. He told his mommy all of the things he planned for him and Cas to do the next day making sure she remembered all the toys they needed to bring to the park. 

Dean was so excited when he was picking up his toys to go home that he didn’t mind when Sammy asked to play with a car. 

That’s when Dean noticed his green car wasn’t there. 

He was so mad! Cas stole his car and then left! He hated that stupid boy for being so stupid and stealing his things. He wanted to yell at him and make him give his toys back. 

“It was probably just an accident sweetie.” Dean’s mommy said as she buckled Sammy in his stroller. “You can ask for it back tomorrow.” 

Dean crossed his arms angrily. “No! We need to go to his house. I want my car back now!” 

“Dean, I promise we will get it back tomorrow, I am sure Cas forgot all about having it. Right now we need to go home though, Sammy needs his nap.” 

Dean was still mad about his car when he got home that day. He was still mad the next day when his mommy reminded him they needed to go to the park to meet Mr. Chuck and stupid Cas. He hoped that stupid Cas didn’t forget his best toy. He was going to be so mad if Cas left it in his room. It wasn’t Cas’s car, it was Dean’s car! 

Dean was sitting on the swings when he saw Mr. Chuck holding Cas’s hand and walking towards him. 

Cas ran fast to Dean, smiling at him. "Dean! I forgot to give this back to you. I’m sorry." He was holding out the green car, and it reminded Dean that he was still so mad!

"Liar. You stole it from me." Dean took his toy back and crossed his arms. 

"No I didn't.” Cas said back. 

“Yes you did!”

“I don't even like cars. I just forgot."

Dean didn’t think Cas was telling the truth. "You're not my friend anymore!” He said back meanly. 

He didn’t think Cas would start crying. 

He also didn’t think his mommy would hear him being mean, but she did. “Dean Allen Winchester! That is not the way you talk to your friends.” She came over to him looked at him with unhappy eyes. 

Dean didn’t like getting in trouble. “He isn’t my friend! He stole my car.” 

His mommy’s eyes were still mad and her voice made Dean want to cry. “He brought your car back to you today and apologized for it. Your words to him were unkind.” 

“But mommy….” He tried to argue back but she shook her head. 

“No. I’m very disappointed in you. You two were such good friends yesterday and now you’re being a bully. Come on, we’re going home.” She grabbed Dean’s hand and started guiding him back towards Sammy, not before stopping and talking to Cas. “Castiel, I’m so sorry that Dean was being mean to you.” 

“Mommy, please don’t make me go.” Dean begged. 

“Dean, I’m not letting you stay here if you’re going to be rude to Castiel.” 

Dean was still a little mad. But he didn't like seeing Cas cry. He didn’t want to be a bully to Cas. “I’m sorry Cas! I’m sorry for being mean. You are my friend. I was sad about my car. I didn’t want you to keep it.” He really meant it when he said it. 

Cas’s lip was still wobbly. “’s okay…” 

“Do you want to play?” Dean asked shyly. 

Cas shook his head. “I don’t know. I don’t think I want to play anymore.” 

Mary got on her knees in front of Cas to give him her best smile. “Hey, Castiel, if your dad says it’s okay would you like to come over and watch a movie and eat pizza?” 

“I don’t know.” 

“Please Cas. I’m really sorry. I mean it. We can have a sleep over.” He hoped the sleepover would make him happy again. He wanted to be best friends again. 

“Maybe.” Cas replied. 

Dean grabbed his hand and squeezed hard. “Please?” He begged. 

“Okay.” Cas finally agreed. 

Dean walked Cas back over to Mr. Chuck and his mommy asked if Cas could come over. Mr. Chuck said yes, so they walked back to Dean’s house. 

Cas was still sad and Dean wanted to make it better. He ran up to his bedroom quickly and looked through his toys fast and found the best stuffed animal he had. Then he ran downstairs with the dragon toy, one that matched his favorite dragon from the movie he liked. 

“Here.” He said handing Cas the toy. Cas looked at the dragon with a scrunched face again. “Take it, it’s for you.” Dean insisted. 

“Really?” 

Dean wondered if he picked a bad toy. “Do you like him?” 

“Yes.” Cas nodded his head but still didn’t take the toy. 

“It’s a present for you. You can keep him forever. You don’t even have to give him back.” Dean shook the toy in his best friends face, and eventually Cas took it from him. 

“Really?” He asked again. 

“Yeah!” Dean said with his best smile. 

“Thank you.” Cas smiled too. Dean thought he had a good smile. He had his two front teeth back already. 

“Do you want to watch the movie with me? It’s awesome!” 

“Yes please.” Cas said, hugging the toy. They boy sat down on the couch as Dean’s mommy set up the movie and promised to make them popcorn. 

That night was so much fun. They played lots of games and did lots of puzzles and Cas liked pineapple on his pizza just like Dean! And Cas even liked playing with Sammy too. 

They wanted to stay up all night but Dean’s mommy wouldn’t let them, so they built a fort with pillows and blankets in Dean’s room. They were trying to whisper quietly but his mommy had to come in three times to tell them to go to sleep. 

Right when Dean thought he was really tired he heard a super loud thunder. It made the whole bedroom shake. 

He didn't like thunder very much but it didn't scare him. It just made it hard to sleep. But Cas looked like he was going to crying again, and Dean didn't want him to be sad. 

“Are you scared?” Dean asked. 

Cas’s lips were shaking “I want my daddy.” 

“It’s okay Cas.” 

The thunder was loud again and Cas had some tears on his cheeks now. Dean didn’t want Cas to have to go home, so he did what his mommy always did for him when he had a bad nightmare. He put his arms out and hugged Cas so so tight that all the scary things would go away. 

"I'll keep you safe." He promised his best friend. 

"Don’t let go.” Cas said, hugging Dean back. 

“I promise I won’t.” 

The thunder was still loud that night, but every time is made a boom, Cas just hugged Dean tighter. He didn’t even cry. Both of them were able to fall asleep fast after that. From then on the two were inseparable.


	2. Chapter 2

Cas was sitting on his couch trying to read the same paragraph in his textbook for at least forty minutes now. He’d been trying to cram for his sociology quiz coming up but after three hours of reading and taking notes he just wasn’t interested in learning anymore. He took a quick glance down at his phone and breathed a sigh of relief when he saw what time it was. Like clockwork, he heard the lock to his front door click. 

“Is it too late to drop out?” Cas called out from the couch. 

Cas could hear Dean drop is backpack down in the hallway and lock the door behind himself. “I was wondering the same thing actually.” 

“Bad day?” 

Dean shuffled out into the living room, attempting to strip off his sweater. It wasn’t exactly snowy weather out in California, but it was chilly enough to need one some days. “Just long.” He mumbled once he tore the sweater off his head and hung it on the back of the couch. He plopped down next to Cas, kicking his feet into Cas’s lap. “You get any studying done?” 

Cas knew it was pointless to push Dean’s feet off his lap, so he slid his textbook off the couch and settled his best friend’s feet in his lap more comfortably. “I did. I just don’t know how much I’ll remember come morning.” 

“You’ve literally never failed a test. You’ll do fine.” 

“Perhaps.” Cas shrugged his shoulders and reached for the remote while Dean settled back further into the couch. Unless either of them had plans at the end of the day they always watched reruns of Dr. Sexy right after classes. 

Thirty minutes or so into the episode, Dean drew his attention away from the screen as if just remembering something important. “Hey, so, Benny’s uncle has this cabin in Colorado and the guys were thinking about going on a skiing trip for spring break. You’re in right?” 

“Of course.” Cas answered. There wasn’t much that either man did that didn’t include each other. Weddings, house parties, vacations, whatever, it was practically expected now that if one of them were invited the other would be tagging along. 

“Alright. I’ll let Benny and Vic know. I think they’re hoping for a big group.” 

“That would be nice.” Cas said with a bit of hesitance in his voice. He didn’t want to say anything, but he never particularly liked Victor. He was a good friend to Dean, but Cas always got the sense that Victor wasn’t exactly big on Cas’s preference for men. Not that Victor had explicitly said or done anything to Cas (Dean would quite literally kill the guy if he did), but the vibe Cas got around him was just off. To spend a whole week with him and probably some of his buddies made Cas mildly uneasy. 

Dean squinted at Cas, picking up on the hesitancy but not quite able to place why. “You know I wont ditch you, right? Besides, Benny, Charlie, and Jo will all be there. You like them.” 

“No, I know. But do you know who else is going?” He didn’t know why he chose to keep his dislike towards Victor a secret from Dean. They weren’t ones to ever keep things from each other, but he figured if Dean saw something in the other guy then Victor couldn't be all that bad. Dean was a good judge of character most of the time. As was the case with Victor’s friend Gordon, a man that both Cas and Dean explicitly didn’t like but if Victor was going on the skiing trip there was a chance that Gordon would too. Both of them on the same trip made Cas extremely nervous. 

“Benny’s probably taking Andrea. I know Charlie will probably bring Kevin and Pamela, Jo’s probably asking Ash and Garth, which means Garth will probably ask a few of his friends. Victor may or may not bring some his buddies. Really anyone who wants to be invited will be invited.” 

Cas’s must have given his worries away the moment Dean brought up Victor's buddies because Dean quickly spoke again, practically reading his mind. “If Gordon does come, he’ll have to deal with me if he even breathes in your direction. You understand? But Benny don’t like him either and it’s Benny’s family’s place so I doubt he’ll be coming.” 

Cas felt a little more relieved hearing that and it was nice to know a good chunk of his friends were planning on going as well. “Are you just inviting me?” He hoped he kept the underlying 'please don't invite any random girl...' out of his tone.

Dean nodded, “I’d invite Sammy but I’m sure there will be lots of drinking.” 

Unquestionably settled about the fact that he'd get a whole trip with Dean and friends, he felt eager to ask, “Should we buy plane tickets?” 

Dean pulled his feet off Cas’s lap and scratched the back of his neck awkwardly as he got up off the couch. “Uhm…” 

Cas threw his head back against the headrest. “Dean…” 

His best friend seemed to think that walking away from the topic of airplanes made the conversation just vanish from existence. “Cas, you know I hate flying.” 

“It’s about a twenty hour drive from here to Colorado.” He argued back with his stubborn as hell best friend. 

“But…” He could hear the puppy dog eyes in Dean’s voice but refused to make eye contact with it. 

“You want to drive the Impala up to Colorado, in the snow?” 

“Well…” 

Cas dragged his hand down his face. He should have expected Dean’s answer before he even asked about plane tickets but he’d hoped that with spring break being a few weeks away Dean could have come to terms with the idea of being on a plane. He understood having a fear for flying, but after a forty-eight hour road trip freshman year of college to Cas’s family reunion he didn’t even want to attend… he figured even Dean would be worn out with long trips. 

Besides, it was going to be snowing in Colorado. Snowing. Neither of them even knew the first thing about driving in the snow. “If you wanted to kill me, you could have just said,” Cas grumbled. 

“Please! I’ll do most of the driving. I’m sure Bobby has a Jeep or something we can borrow too if it will make you feel safer than going in Baby.” 

Cas knew Dean was going to win this, there was no point in even trying to show his side of the argument. He locked eyes with his best friend from across the room, melting at the sight of the big doe eyes. “I’m picking the music.” He demanded. 

Dean’s eyebrows raised sky high at the challenge. He pointed his beer at Cas, trying to be stern, “I’ll give you a couple hours.” 

“You’ll let me pick the music during the time I’m awake or I’m purchasing a plane ticket tonight.” Cas made a show of reaching for his laptop on the coffee table but Dean threw himself onto Cas’s lap to stop him. 

“Fine! You can pick the damn music.” Dean huffed. 

“And we’re borrowing something that can drive in the snow from Bobby.” 

Dean shifted in Cas’s lap and glared. “Deal.” 

Going for broke, Cas smirked at the green-eyed man. “And you’re making me pasta tonight.” 

Cas could see the smile Dean was trying to fight. “Yeah, but you’re making the meatballs.” Dean patted Cas’s cheek as he stood up. 

“Whatever you say.” 

As usual, Dean didn’t let Cas do any of the cooking aside from cutting the vegetables. Cas wasn’t inept in the kitchen, Dean was just better at it and quite possibly a control freak when it came to his food. He wasn't complaning though, he loved being cooked for by his best friend. Enjoying his company, Cas just sat on the counter watching his best friend glide around Cas's kitchen like he owned the place. He didn’t like to admit how happy that sight usually made him. 

“Taste.” Dean commanded, pressing the sauce spoon up to Cas’s lips. “Does it need anything else?” 

“More garlic.” Cas said after pondering for an over exaggerated amount of time. 

A few seconds later the spoon was at his lips again, “How about now?” 

“Perfect.” Cas responded, licking the tomato sauce off his lips. Dean just stood practically between Cas's knees, staring at him for a moment. Cas wasn’t even sure if Dean realized he was staring but as the seconds ticked by, it was enough to make Cas’s heart skip. Moments like these always left Cas wondering if Dean felt it too, that feeling of being filled with warmth just because they were so damn _close._ But inevitably, reality would quickly hit him in the face and Cas would come to his senses, realizing it wasn’t possible for Dean-the-lady-killer to feel anything like that towards him. 

Oh how he wished though. 

But to be fair... it was happening more and more these days. For all he knew he could have just been projecting, after years of pining he was probably just hoping that he was seeing things that weren’t actually there. He just wasn’t sure. Wasn’t sure if Dean’s gaze really did flicker to his lips for a moment. Wasn’t sure if it was necessary for Dean to thumb the sauce off Cas’s bottom lip. Wasn’t sure if Dean really was swaying closer in his direction… his hips slowly being bracketed by Cas's legs. He could _almost_ wrap them around if Dean just took one more... 

“Hello lovebirds.”

Cas startled enough to almost fall off the counter and Dean jumped back, scorched. 

“You better be saving some for me.” Came the irritatingly familiar voice again. 

“Shut up Gabriel.” Cas and Dean both said in tandem to the man standing in the kitchen entryway. 

“Why so hostile? I just wanted to know if you could spare some food for the selfless older brother whose putting you up Cassie.” 

Cas threw a glare at his older brother, his heart threatening to burst out of his chest. He remained cool on the outside though. “Please. You begged me to move in so that Michael couldn’t move in after the divorce like he'd planned to.” 

Gabriel feigned hurt, holding his hand over his heart, ever so dramatically. “I’m insulted. I genuinely wanted to get to know my baby brother whom I only got to see every other weekend growing up.” 

“Oh can it. We made extra food for you.” Dean sassed pointing to the heaping pile of spaghetti he’d made. For as much as his best friend and brother bickered, Cas knew that they were actually pretty good friends, it was quiet entertaining to see the way they joked with each other. Most of the time. 

“You know Deenie Weenie, if my brother doesn’t pounce soon, I might just have to claim you for myself. Your domesticity just does something naughty to me.” Gabe shot back with a suggestive eyebrow wiggle. Cas glared at him. 

“Hate to break it to you champ, but I don’t swing that way, and if I did you wouldn’t be the Shurley I’d go for.” 

“Oooh. Got the hots for our Pops? Didn’t know the daddy kink was your thing.” 

Dean threw his head back laughing while Castiel turned to his brother in annoyance, “Go away Gabriel.” 

“Yeah, yeah. I’ll let you two get back to your date.” He made it a few steps out of the kitchen before quickly turning back. “Oh, you might wanna stay at Deano’s tonight. I’ve got some company coming over and it might get a little freaky.” 

Cas threw a spoon at him in response. 

Once dinner was eaten and the dishes were cleaned and put away, Cas busied himself with trying to throw some things together. He knew he always had some things at Dean’s place, they both kept things at each other’s places but he still packed a small bag anyway. 

He was ruffling through his dirty clothes pile trying to find the pajama shirt he wanted to wear, pointedly ignoring the impatient tapping of Dean’s foot in the doorway. “I can’t find my…” 

“Harry Potter shirt? It’s at my place.” 

Cas rolled his eyes. Sometimes he hated when Dean finished his sentences. “But what about my blue…” 

“Sweater with the stripes? Also at my place.” 

“Yeah but is it…” 

“Clean? Of course it is. I wash all your shit that you leave hanging around, unlike you.” 

Cas huffed, “My clothes get washed.” 

There was a stupid grin on Dean’s face, “Yeah when you leave them at my place and I wash them for you.” 

Cas knew it was true, Dean took care of him more than he liked to admit. “You don’t have to do that you know.” 

“If I didn’t, you’d just wear my things and then I’d have to wash it all anyway.” Dean grabbed Cas’s backpack and threw it over his shoulder before walking to the front door and grabbing his bag as well. “Come on, you and I both know your brother doesn’t wait to make it into the bedroom for his sexcapades, I’d rather not have to see his naked ass again in my lifetime.” 

“You have a point.” Cas responded with a grimace and followed Dean out the door. But as he followed behind his best friend he couldn't help but think of a naked ass he wouldn't mind seeing.... Sue him. He had fantasies. 

* * *

They made it through the following three weeks and midterms without too much of a struggle. Both himself and Dean felt like they did far better on their tests than anticipated so now they were left both anxiously awaiting their skiing trip. 

The two of them were leaving a full day ahead of everyone else due to the fact that they were the _only ones_ driving. A fact that Cas was still finding every opportunity to give Dean shit about for. For Dean’s part, he _had_ done everything he’d promised to make Cas more comfortable. He’d nearly thrown a fit about it but he did get Bobby to let them borrow a Jeep, one that just so happened to hook into Castiel’s phone so that he could pick the music. Cas wasn’t exactly looking forward to his ass being numb for nearly a day but a full week in a cabin with a bunch of friends sounded like a pretty good time. Giving Dean shit about it just sounded like more fun. Whoops. 

Twenty hours and one stop at a sleazy back road motel later, they arrived at the cabin. To say the place was nice would be the understatement of the century. It looked more like a high-end resort than any cabin Cas had ever heard of. Mansion would have been a better word to use. 

Four master bedrooms, four guest bedrooms, a family room, a living room, a game room, and even a movie theater were included in the three-story vacation home. The place even had an elevator… an elevator! And that kitchen… Cas is certain Dean would probably have wet dreams about that kitchen for years to come. And they didn’t have to pay a dime. Apparently Benny was his uncle’s favorite nephew or something, because he got quite the hookup; they only had to pay for food. 

Knowing they got to be at this mansion for a few days was enough to fill Dean with giddy excitement based on the way Cas observed him practically bouncing on the balls of his feet. 

“So there’s enough beds and couches around here that none of us have to share.” Benny started once everyone’s crap had been lugged into the living room. “Most of the guest rooms have bunk beds and singles, and all the masters have a king. But we can also take all of the living room couches, they’re pretty comfortable. So feel free to choose where you want to be.” 

Before he could even finish speaking everyone started running through the house trying to find a bed or a couch that they wanted. Cas didn’t exactly care where he ended up, he’d be fine sleeping on a couch for all it mattered to him, but apparently Dean had other plans because he was practically shoving people over in his haste to find a bedroom. 

“Cas! Bring our shit I found a room!” Rolling his eyes, Cas grabbed their duffels and headed in the direction of Dean’s call. 

The room was at the end of the hallway. Walking in he was hit by the view of sparkling white snow in a wide-open field shining in through a massive picture window. He had to practically pick his jaw off the floor because it was the most magical image he’d probably ever seen. 

“Gorgeous isn’t it?” Dean asked, he too staring out the window.

“That’s an understatement.” 

“Know what’s even better? See this button right here?” Dean looked like a kid in a candy store. He waited for Cas to nod before pressing the button. “Blackout curtains.” 

“Oh! And look! A fireplace. In our room. I bet you there’s one in every room.” He was flailing his arms excitedly, filling Cas with the same level of enthusiasm. Cas took that moment to look around the room. It was country cozy; dark logs, stone fireplace, thick fur rugs, a queen sized bed with a down feather duvet. He figured this place was likely featured in some luxury home magazine. Cas watched as Dean explored every nook and cranny in the room before moving on to the attached bathroom. 

“Oh shit! Cas come here! It has one of those crawfish tubs you like or whatever.” 

Cas laughed loudly. “Claw foot, Dean.” 

“Whatever. Look at it!” 

Cas shook his head and walked into the tandem bathroom and was immediately in awe. Not only did it have a rustic looking claw foot tub nestled next to the flipside of the fireplace, but they even had a rainfall shower to use. 

“It’s really nice.” He muttered in disbelief. 

“Have you ever stayed at a place this nice?” Dean asked. 

“You know I haven’t.” 

“Hell, I don’t know if I could ever go back to a three-star hotel.” 

Cas smiled over at his best friend. “You thought that motel we stayed at last night was nice.” 

“I was young and naïve then.” Dean joked. 

“You’re impossible.” 

Feeling content with the place they’d be staying for a week, Cas walked back into the bedroom and threw himself onto the bed with an exaggerated sigh. He was ninety percent positive the mattress was made out of rose petals it was so soft. 

“You okay there?” Dean asked with amusement in his voice. 

The day had finally caught up with him and Cas felt like he could sleep forever. “So. Tired.” He complained. 

“Dude, it’s eleven.” 

Cas rolled over onto his back so he could look at Dean, who’d taken a seat on the edge of the bed. “But we had to wake up at four in the morning to get here as everyone else did. Since someone refused to fly.” 

“Well sorry.” Cas got a playful smack to his calf that turned into a soothing rubbing motion. “Why don’t you take a nap?” Dean suggested. 

Before Cas could reply, Benny peaked his head in through the doorway. “Hey, there’s still some couches unclaimed in case you two don’t want to share this time around.” 

“Nah, we’re good.” Dean answered immediately. 

There was a momentary flash of _something_ in Benny’s eyes when he made eye contact with Cas laying on the bed, Dean’s hand still on his leg. But the look went away faster than it came. “You sure?” He asked. 

“Yeah man.” Dean confirmed. 

“Alright.” Benny moved to leave the room them seemed to remember something. “Hey Dean, would you want to grill us all some burgers tonight?” 

“Sure. Do we have everything we need?” 

“No.” Benny replied with a headshake. “We pretty much have nil in the way of sustenance right now. Would you mind running to the store right now and helping me stock up?” 

“Yeah, no problem. Let me just unpack and change real quick.” 

“Okay. I’ll meet you up there in fifteen.” 

Cas could hear Dean unzip his duffle as well as the sounds of drawers opening and closing, but he couldn’t bring himself to make conversation let alone open his eyes. After what was probably only ten minutes Cas felt Dean plop back down on the edge of the bed. 

“You all good here?” 

Dean had an annoying (but sweet) habit of always asking something to this effect before he left Cas alone. “Yes, Dean.” Cas said with fake annoyance in his tone. 

“I know you don’t really know everyone yet, so if you want me to stay I can. Or you can come with us?” 

If he weren’t so tired Cas might have taken up that offer but the bed he was currently lying in didn’t want him to leave. “I’ll just stay in here. Probably take the nap you were suggesting.” 

“Want me to wake you up with I get back?” 

“Sure.” 

Cas wasn’t sure if Dean ever realized when he absentmindedly ran his fingers through Cas’s hair. But he never brought it up in fear that it would eventually stop. 

“Okay, get some sleep.” Dean commanded softly before getting off the bed and heading out the door. 

It didn’t take long for Cas to fall asleep, though he didn’t feel as content as he usually did while falling asleep. 

Cas vaguely remembered being lightly shaken awake by Dean, but he was conscious enough to hear the promise of burgers. Feeling almost worse than he had before taking the nap Cas shuffled his way upstairs to join the rest of the group. 

The main floor had an open floor plan so Cas was able to see everyone mingling around the rooms. Most of the guys who came, Garth, Kevin, and a few guys Cas wasn’t familiar with were all playing pool in the far corner of the place in what Cas figured was the game room area. Jo, Charlie, Andrea, and Pamela were all sitting on the couches watching Game of Thrones while Benny and Dean were setting the extra large dining room table. 

When he made it into the other’s line of sight he heard an excited, “Cas! You’re up!” from somewhere on the couch. 

“Hello Charlie.” He said with a yawn. 

“Want to watch TV with us?” 

Cas looked at the tempting sofa, with it’s layers of fuzzy throw blankets, but decided he shouldn’t get too cozy if he was going to make it to a decent bedtime hour. “I should probably go help set up for dinner.” 

“Why? Dean and Benny can handle it.” Jo snarked. 

“It’s only polite.” 

“Suit yourself.” 

“Need any help?” He asked to either Benny or Dean. 

Dean turned around at his voice and smiled. “Good morning, sunshine. We’re actually good in here but do you wanna go grab the guys? Tell them it’s ready?” 

“Sure.” Cas replied before walking across the large area towards the game room. 

“Uhm, Dean… Dean said dinners ready if you’d like to eat now.” He announced awkwardly. 

“Thank god. I’m starving.” Kevin said, racing out of the room and towards the dining room. 

Cas suddenly felt awkward. He didn’t know if he should stay and introduce himself to the people that he didn’t know or if he should wait until someone introduced him. He probably paused a moment too long because one of the guys he wasn’t familiar with came up to him. 

“You’re Cas, right? Dean’s boyfriend?” 

“I am Cas, but not Dean’s boyfriend.” Cas answered back automatically, it wasn't the first nor would it be the last time he was asked that exact question. 

The other man looked genuinely confused, “Oh—but Victor—“ 

He was cut off by Jo, “Ed, could you go check if there’s any more beer in the garage fridge?” 

The man went a little wide eyed looking at Jo, and Cas could tell he was absolutely interested in the blonde woman--hell if he were straight he might be into her too. She was definitely gorgeous. “Yeah, no problem Jo.” Ed stammered before heading out of the room. 

So huffed. “Sorry about that.” Jo said, rolling her eyes. He didn't know if she was apologizing for Cas having to deny for what was probably the thousandth time that he wasn't Dean's boyfriend or if she was apologizing for Victor yet again telling a stranger that he and Dean were together. Probably a mixture of both of he were being honest. 

Cas shrugged. It'd stopped bothering him a while when people asked. Now it was just a numb sensation when he had to answer. “It’s not the first time I’ve been asked nor will it be the last.” 

Jo gave an understanding nod. “Probably gets old.” 

He took a moment to think about that. Part of him did agree that after all these years people would have picked up on the fact that he and Dean were definitely not an item. But at the same time... the thought of people not assuming they were together anymore made him almost sad. However, he did seem to notice that the question was arising far more frequently than it ever had in the past. He didn't think anything had changed or that he and Dean somehow now spent more time together than they did before. But maybe they they had managed to grow even closer than they were previously? Whatever the reason, it didn’t _really_ bother him when people asked. What did bother him was how hopeful it made him when he was asked simply because people couldn't see how much of a ladies man Dean really was. 

“I don’t mind.” He said honestly, “I just don’t know why people assume that we’re dating.” 

“No?” 

He shook his head. “I mean we’re just friends and we’re close," _and I'm completely in love with him_ "but he’s as straight as they come.” 

Jo shrugged, “Probably because you two are really close. Like _really_ close.” 

“Aren’t most best friends?” 

“Yeah… You two are just… special I guess.” She said but before Cas could ask her to elaborate she grabbed him by the elbow and tugged him towards the dining room. “Come on, lets go eat.” 

Dinner as expected was delicious, and Cas watched with amusement as Dean was reduced to an embarrassed hue of pink each time someone complemented his culinary skills. Cleanup and dishes were done pretty quickly being that there were fifteen people there to help. Afterwards, they all crowded into the movie theatre ("MOVIE THEATER IN A HOUSE CAS!") for more Game of Thrones, because apparently Charlie was in charge of all things movies and television related for the trip. 

Somehow, despite the gigantic house being grand in every way possible, it was still one seat short for their group in the movie theatre and apparently no one was willing to share their recliner with someone else. Not really caring to play rock, paper, scissors like everyone suggested they do, Cas immediately volunteered to be the one to sit on the floor. 

“Nah, just share with me.” Dean said, catching his arm before Cas walked to the front of the room. Cas gave him quizzical look.

“Dean we’re not exactly small. It will be more comfortable if I just sat on the floor.” 

Dean rolled his eyes and tugged at Cas’s arm. “Yeah, until your ass goes numb and you ask to share with me anyway. This just saves your ass and both of our time.” Dean leveled him with a challenging glare, somehow more of a smolder than he think Dean realized, but still effective. 

“Fine.” Cas grumbled but conceded. When had he ever been able to say no to that face? (The answer was never). 

It took a few minutes to find any semblance of a comfortable position with both of them having far too much body to easily squeeze onto the chair. Eventually with Cas’s arm around Dean’s shoulders and Dean’s around Cas’s waist, and an odd tangle of legs happening, they were actually able to enjoy an episode or two of the show. For a brief moment Castiel could clearly see how people would misconstrue their friendship as something more. Looking at Benny and Andrea, the only actual couple on the trip, not even they were even sitting in each other's laps like this. He wasn't going to question it though. Every chance he got to be this close to Dean was a blessing in his book.

It wasn’t long before their full day of travel started to catch up with them and Cas seemed to be unable to control his yawns. 

“You tired?” Dean asked Cas, whose head was not sagging onto Dean’s shoulder. 

“Mhm.” Was all that Cas was able to muster in response. 

“Come on, let’s go to bed.” 

Castiel didn't even think of arguing, just pulled himself off Dean's lap and waited patiently as Dean sat the recliner upright and stood too. The two of started walking towards the theatre exit when they heard Charlie protest. 

“You’re both tapping out now? But the Red Wedding is about to happen!” 

Dean shook his head at her, “Dude, you’ve made us watch the entire series four times with you. I think we can miss this go around.” 

“Your loss.” She stuck her tongue out at them like a child, but was met with an equally childish middle finger from Dean. 

“Night guys.” Dean threw off in everyone’s general direction. There was a chorus of ‘good nights’ from the rest of them as Dean dragged Cas’s half-sleeping form out of the theatre and up to the guest bedrooms. 

Cas’s limbs barely worked to undress and get into pajamas, but somehow he made it happened. It didn’t help that the heat hadn’t seemed to be turned on in the guest rooms leaving him shivering violently while getting dressed. Exhaustedly he clambered unto the covers, only to be met with cold sheets and blankets. 

“Oh my god, it’s freezing.” Cas said through heavily chattering teeth. 

Dean was busy lighting the fireplace as quickly as he could manage. “You didn’t see the snow outside? You know that cold stuff that falls from the sky when it’s freezing out?” 

“Shut up.” Cas tried to say back but his jaw was tense from the cold. 

It took a few minutes for Dean to get the fireplace lit, but he blissfully managed. Cas moaned deeply when the first tendrils of heat traveled his way. He was eternally grateful the fire was on his side of the bed. 

A moment later Dean slid into bed. “Come here,” he said with arms opened for Cas to slide in. Immediately Cas buried his nose against Dean’s neck and his feet against Dean’s legs causing Dean to hiss from the shock. “Good god, how do you always turn into a popsicle so quickly?” 

“I don’t know,” Cas complained, he was still shivering but Dean’s warmth was already seeping into him. 

Cas could feel Dean blindly reached down and pulled the sheets, duvet, and quilt over them before tugging Cas closer to his chest. Dean’s hands moved up and down Cas’s back trying to create any extra warmth he could. There was hardly an inch of space between them but until it wasn’t below freezing under the covers anymore, Cas wasn’t going to move. 

Even when it did warm up during the night, neither of them moved away from each other. 

* * *

**9 Years Ago  
Dean and Cas, 11 years old. **

It was Friday night and Cas was finally allowed to spend the night at Dean’s. They’d been begging their parents to stay the night at each other’s houses on school nights, but unless Mary or Chuck were out of town, they had to wait until Friday and Saturday nights to stay the night. Cas didn’t like that arrangement very much. He always found himself wondering what Dean was up to and if he was as annoyed with their parents as he was for not just letting them have more sleepovers. 

They walked to and from school together, so it’s not like they wouldn’t make it to school on time. Plus they almost always ate dinner at each other’s houses and stayed until bedtime. It didn’t make sense why they couldn’t just stay at each other’s houses. But both Mary and his dad said rules were rules. 

Cas was brushing his teeth with the toothbrush Mary made sure Cas had in the bathroom (after one too many trips running back to his house to grab his own), when Mary peeked her head in. “Cas, I bought a sleeping bag if you’d feel more comfortable using that.” 

“Wh’ wou’ he do dat? I hab a bed.” Dean mumbled, toothbrush still in his mouth. 

“I know, I just thought you two might want to start sleeping separately.” Mary said casually. 

Dean spit his toothpaste out and looked at his mom with confusion on his face. “Why?” 

She shrugged innocently, “It was just a thought. You’re both getting big, I didn’t know if you two were running out of room in that bed.” 

“No, we’re good.” He said with a headshake. 

Mary looked between both Dean and Cas and smiled fondly, “Okay. But if you ever change your mind it will be in the hall closet.” 

“Thank you Mary.” Cas responded politely. 

“Night boys. I love you.” She cooed with a kiss to both their heads. 

“Love you too,” they replied in tandem. 

Later that night, after Dean and Cas had watched a couple horror movies and climbed into bed for the night, Cas brought up something that was plaguing his mind. 

“Gabriel says it’s weird that we still share a bed.” 

“Gabriel's a jerk.” Dean shot back immediately. 

Cas didn’t get to see Gabriel all that much since Gabriel lived with his mom most of the time, but he still looked up to his big brother. He thought Gabriel didn’t care that Dean and Cas liked to share a bed, but one day after Dean left, Gabe had sat Cas down and talked to him about their so called ‘cuddling.’ He said that when boys grew up it wasn’t normal anymore to share beds with other boys or be so close in their sleep. He also said that Cas should really start having Dean sleep on the floor so that no one would make fun of them. 

It worried Cas that Dean would feel the same way, but he didn’t want anyone to make fun of Dean because of him. 

“You don’t think we’re too old?” Cas asked worriedly. 

Dean sounded confused when he asked, “Why does that matter?” 

“I guess it doesn’t.” 

“Do you want to sleep by yourself?” Cas wasn’t sure if Dean actually sounded worried or if that was just his sleepy voice. 

“No.” Cas said back confidently. 

Dean sighed and hugged Cas close in the bed. “Me either,” he agreed. 

Cas really didn’t know what the big deal was about staying the night with Dean. He always slept better at night when Dean was there too. It just made sense to him that they should be allowed to spend the night more. 

“I don’t like the nights I have to sleep by myself.” Cas said honestly. 

“Why not?” 

He couldn’t think of just one reason, but he said the first and biggest one he could think of. “I don’t feel as safe.” 

“You feel safe with me?” Even though it was dark, Cas knew Dean was smiling. 

“You protect everyone. You’re good at it too. Whenever I have a nightmare you always make it go away. And you’re not scared of anything.” 

Dean didn’t say anything for a while and Cas wondered if Dean fell asleep, but when he did speak it made Cas feel something fluttery in his belly.

“I’m gonna protect you forever,” Dean whispered. It sounded like he meant it one-hundred percent. 

Cas knew Dean would never lie to him. “I know,” He whispered back, right before falling asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello!! If you've given this a chance and made it to the end of this chapter I just wanted to say THANK YOU! I've had this idea in my mind for MONTHS but put it on the back burner because I thought I wanted to work on some other fics I'd already started but low and behold I started writing this instead. 
> 
> I'm kind of terrible with having consistent updates but I am three weeks out until the end of the school year and then I'll have plenty of time do to more frequent updates, so please be patient with me! 
> 
> If you like this so far let me know. It seriously makes my day. <3


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Why did I choose to write a fic where people went skiing? I know absolutely nothing about skiing (I legit had to google if skis were actually called that or if there was another name for them.... don't laugh at me too much). So if you're reading this story for the skiing you're going to be horrifically disappointed. If you're here because of the cheesy love story, just ignore my lack of knowledge on the sport. I've tried to google some stuff but I'm mostly just making it up! Hahah. 
> 
> Back to the story, I'm thinking this will be about a 7 to 8 chapter long fic based on my outline... but who knows. I have a problem with writing more than I plan to :P 
> 
> Thank you to everyone who has left me feedback, it really makes my day. I hope you all continue enjoying!

Blackout curtains were seriously a gift from God. It was nearly eight in the morning, according to his phone yet it looked like it was still midnight. Only a sliver of light had managed to make it into the room from the bright hallway, enough for Dean to be able to see his sleeping best friend beside him. Dean was surprised that Cas, who’d taken a nap the day before had managed to sleep longer than him, though, when he thought about it, it wasn’t much of a shock—Cas could out sleep a sloth if he wanted to. 

Dean decided he was content to just lie in bed until Cas woke up; they were on vacation after all and he rarely allowed himself to just lie in on a weekend. He never was good at sitting still for very long, a problem he struggled with most of his life. Dean always felt like he needed to be doing something, being productive in some way or another. While classes were in session he’d find himself waking up each morning and immediately forming a to do list. Relaxing wasn’t exactly in his DNA. 

He didn’t want to blame it on his childhood but it didn’t exactly help. He grew up with a single mom who was a full time waitress and part time photographer. That loving mother did everything she could for her two boys but Dean was always aware that things were tight. He knew his mother worked herself to the bone, knew why they couldn’t always buy name brand stuff, and why a lot of his clothes came from goodwill. She tried to hide it from him, tried to make it seem like they were better off than they were, but he always knew. When he grew up he just wanted to make her life easier. So he’d clean when she was gone or cook when she worked late shifts. He’d pick up a few side jobs mowing people’s lawns, babysitting a few kids here and there, or washing cars. 

For the longest time he thought there’d be no way in hell he’d ever go to college. Sammy was the one with the big dreams of Ivy League schools and Dean was just the one who needed to hold down the fort and make sure his mom didn’t spend the rest of her life pulling night shifts. But his mom, Sam, and Cas had all pushed him to at least apply for some colleges and some scholarships, so he did. Miraculously, he’d managed to score himself a scholarship that covered tuition. The only stipulation was he had to keep his grades up. So instead of finding himself worrying just about money now he worried about not screwing up his grades too. 

There was no room for error in his mind. If he screwed up, then he’d have to take out a loan. If he took out a loan, then he’d be in debt. If he were to be in debt, he’d probably never get out. He knew logically that his mom and Bobby would never let it get to that point, hell, Bobby was the one paying for Dean’s portion of the rent… but Dean was scared becoming any more of a burden to his family if he lost his scholarship. 

The stress of everything just made it impossible for him to allow himself the comfort of sleeping in. So instead of giving in to his base desire to hop out of bed and do _something,_ Dean allowed himself to let it all go, if not the whole week then at least for that one morning. Besides, his best friend had practically taken his arm hostage in his sleep so there was no way he'd be able to pull out of bed without waking up the grump.

Cas shifted in his sleep, pulling at Dean’s arm. It was often that they’d wake up linked together in strange ways being that there would be no physical way for them to stay tangled together each and every night. Numb limbs did still happen. He couldn't explain why but he'd found that even when they did happen to pull apart sometimes in the night they were still always touching. Even when he was the one to wake up too far away in the middle of the night, someway, somehow he’d reach out to make sure Cas was still there. It was like a compulsion. An elbow touching, a hand on an arm, side to side, whatever it ended up being as long as there was some sort of connection he just felt more peaceful. 

He turned slightly to look at his best friend sleep, something he often did since he almost always woke up before the other man. Maybe it was weird… Maybe they’d developed a level of codependence that was bordering insane but they way he saw it, Cas had always been there. Not one memory in his life was without Cas in it, not a day in his life didn’t go by where he doesn’t remember Cas being a source of happiness. Every bad day, Cas was there to make it better; every _good_ day, Cas was there to make it better. So if he just so happened to watch his best friend in his sleep and count his blessings that he'd even stuck around with Dean's crazy for so long... then so what? He'd own it. (Just maybe not publicly). 

He knew people saw their friendship as strange. He knew that people talked. He just tried to ignore it because even his closest friends knew nothing of how he and Cas worked. Cas was his family and--his mom, Sam, and Bobby not included--the most important person in his life. Until someone fell into his life and proved to him that they could fit as perfectly into his life as Cas did, well he wasn’t going to change a thing between them regardless of what people said.

The rumors and whispers didn’t bother him much, it was the fact that people assumed that Dean and Cas had to be more than just friends that bothered him. Why people felt the need to tell him how he felt? How Cas felt? As if neither of them were smart enough to figure it out for themselves. And _for the record,_ neither of them did feel anything for one another. And even if they did, the last person on earth who'd be good enough for Castiel Shurley was Dean Winchester himself. 

Dean pushed his thoughts out of his head as Cas’s snores started to fade away, letting Dean know it was only a matter of time before he woke up. Dean rolled onto his back so that he wouldn’t be caught staring at his best friend while he slept, though it was pretty common to wake up to Cas doing it to him. 

As expected a few moments later Cas started to stir. He must have been able to tell that Dean was already awake because he jumped right into conversation. 

“One of us needs to buy a bed like this for home.” 

Dean laughed at the idea, though he wouldn’t be mad if one of them did ever have a bed like this, “That’s going to have to be you since I’m betting this bed costs more than all of my possessions.” 

“And you have a weird relationship with your bed. You’d never give it up.” Cas replied teasingly. He scratched at his nose like a little kitten. Cas was pretty adorable when he woke up, Dean had to admit. 

“It’s memory foam!” 

Cas didn’t do much more than laugh. He usually wasn’t a big talker right when he woke up, always teetering on the edge of fully waking up or trying to catch some more sleep. It wasn't long before Cas released his hold on Dean's arm before pulling it around himself and pillowing his head on Dean’s shoulder. Clearly Cas was on the same page as Dean when he asked, “Can we just lay in bed for a while?” 

“Yes please.” 

Dean pressed a button on the wall that opened the curtains a little to let some light in before reaching towards the side table to grab the remote for the TV, figuring Saturday morning cartoons were the only way to spend their time in bed. 

“Do you think everyone else is up?” Cas asked after a while. 

“Probably a few.” 

“You should get up then.” Cas said with a playful nudge. 

“What? Why?” 

“You don’t expect anyone else to cook this trip after last night do you? You’ve been selected as chef.” 

Dean rolled his eyes, “They can eat cereal.” 

Cas pulled his head up from Dean’s shoulder and gave him his best shot at puppy dog eyes, “But you’ll make me pancakes, right?” 

“Who do you think I am? Your personal butler?” 

“Are you not? You clean my house for me, do my laundry, and cook for me.” Cas’s wide grin told Dean that he thought he was so funny with that quip. Dean jokingly shoved his best friend but not before getting a better idea, locking his arm around Cas’s shoulders so he couldn’t escape. 

“No. No! No!” Cas pleaded, but Dean didn’t back down. “Don’t—ah—stop. Please! Dean… stop—no! Mercy! Mercy! Mercy!” He begged as Dean relentlessly tickled the other man. Dean only stopped once Cas looked like he might actually explode, tears in his eyes and a bright red face from laughter. Dean was laughing too, finally able to beat Cas in this war, usually it would be him who found himself caught off guard and crying uncle. 

He didn’t really register their position until that moment. He was hovering over Cas, his best friend’s hands pinned above his head with Dean’s left hand while Dean’s right had somehow ridden up Cas’s shirt, fingers resting on the soft skin of Cas’s side. Dean’s green eyes locked on the bright blue ones beneath him and all trace of lightheartedness suddenly dissipated. The air had grown thicker in moments. When had his heart started thrumming? Something, something in the way Cas's eyes shined up at him made it impossible for Dean to draw away and instead he felt his hips instinctively lower, enraptured by the gaze he was receiving. 

He didn’t know what he was doing, just felt himself drawn in. His breath came out shaky. It felt like his whole body had suddenly just taken control from his mind and he couldn't stop himself from settling his hips against his friend's. 

Cas’s sudden gasp cleared Dean from his state. 

His head spun as he pulled away and dropped over to his side of the bed too quickly, wondering what the hell had just come over him. What was he going to do just then? Kiss his best friend? He shook his head. He didn’t even like guys, and he definitely didn’t have a thing for _Cas _… it was just a heat of the moment kind of deal he reasoned with himself. He was still so tired from the long hours of driving... yeah. That.__

____

“Breakfast?” He asked suddenly, feeling the need to bolt from the room. 

“Yes, please.” Cas replied immediately. 

Dean got up, finding he needed to rearrange himself in his pajamas a little because… did that really just… no. He wasn’t turned on. That would be ridiculous.

He didn’t look back at Cas who was still lying in the bed and walked out of the room towards the kitchen. 

He felt odd. What the fuck had just happened? He didn't understand what had came over him... but that in there, that had felt like _something._ Maybe you could even call it a 'moment.' A moment between him and Cas of all people? Those just didn’t happen between them! _Couldn't_ happen between them. 

Well, okay. Maybe they’d found themselves in odd situations before. Here and there. Frankly, it was hard not to being so close to one another all the time. Puberty and wet dreams were kind of unavoidable and waking up to your best friends' boner poking into your hip was just kind of expected when you spent the night with each other every single night. Yeah, they’d felt awkward about at first but they'd inevitably moved past it. Morning wood still found itself present on most occasions but neither of them really cared because they knew it didn’t mean anything. It just happened and they ignored it. That was normal.

And perhaps, there were the few times though that Dean had found himself practically humping Cas like a dog that really made things awkward. He couldn’t look Cas in the eye for days, let alone even think about those few times without turning beat red. But his best friends' reassurances that it didn’t bother him made it less awkward when it did come up every now and then. (Dry spells were a bitch. Sorry). And really, when the situation found itself to be reverse, Cas grinding against Dean in the early morning light, he wasn’t bothered by it in the slightest even when Cas was totally embarrassed too. Again, they just talked about it and moved on, no longer giving it any thought when it happened again. They’d just get up, excuse themselves to the bathroom, take care of business and be done with it. Normal! 

But this… what had just happened between them, it felt different than those times. Dean knew that all the other times were just parts of being a guy. It would have happened to them no matter who they were laying next to in bed. Lying on top of your best friend and feeling like you wanted to kiss them or something! That wasn’t normal! 

His mind was such a jumbled mess that he barely heard Charlie saying good morning to him. “Huh?” He asked when she punched him in the arm.

“I said good morning.” She repeated over her bowl of cereal. 

He blinked at her a few times before speaking, “Oh, yeah. Morning’”

That’s when she looked him over and laughed a little. “If I didn’t know any better I would think that you and Cas just had some steamy sex a few minutes ago.” Dean could feel the red flush creeping up his neck, though for what reason, he didn’t know. 

“What? Why?” 

“You’re rocking some serious sex hair there.” She ran her fingers through said hair, making it feel even wilder than it must have been when he walked out. Dean swatted her hands away and was quick to smooth down his hair.

“What? No I’m not.” 

She threw up he hands in surrender at Dean's terse tone. “Dude chill.” 

“I am chill.” He said through an admittedly not chill expression on his face. His friend seemed to pick up on his weird behavior, and lowered her voice to speak. 

“Wait, did something happen between you and Cas?” 

“Of course nothing happened between us.” Dean shot back. He didn’t know why he was feeling so panicked. Nothing did happen between them. Why was he freaking out? 

“Are you sure? You’re acting pretty skittish.” 

Dean furiously shook his head and practically whisper-shouted at her, “Nothing happened. Nothing is going to happen. He’s my best friend. And I’m straight!” Immediately he felt like an asshole when Charlie looked taken aback by his behavior. 

“Right. I’ll leave you to it then." 

Without another work, or a deeply deserved scolding, she took her cereal bowl and left him alone in the kitchen. He groaned to himself, not understanding what had just overcome him. He was such an asshole. And lashing out on Charlie like that? He'd have to grovel at her feet for her to speak to him again. Knowing he probably _should_ go chase after Charlie and apologize, Dean chose to do the exact opposite and got started on making himself breakfast like the coward he was. 

He was sitting alone at a breakfast nook eating his food when Cas finally came upstairs. 

“Pancakes.” Dean said as way of greeting not making eye contact with his best friend. 

“You didn’t actually have to—“ Cas began to say before Dean cut him off.

“You wanted them so I made them.” 

Dean could hear the hurt in Cas’s voice when the other man replied back with a small, “Thank you.” 

“Yup.” Dean replied shortly. He stood and took his plate to the sink, rinsing it off before wordlessly heading back towards their room to take a shower and get ready for the day. 

He spent far longer in the shower than necessary. He didn’t know why he was overreacting to nothing. And that was what had happened. Nothing! Nothing out of the ordinary physically happened between him and his best friend. They woke up next to each other like always, watched TV together like always, and had a fairly common tickle war (guys totally did that with their friends!). What was out of the ordinary was how he had felt, being caught on top of his best friend, looking into those big blue oceans Cas called eyes, and just feeling enraptured. 

He rinsed the soap bubbles from his hair and resigned himself to never think of the strange moment that morning ever again. He’d just be cool and act like he wasn’t having a minor freak out over nothing. It really was nothing. Right?

Cas wasn’t anywhere to be found when Dean emerged from the room and came upstairs. He considered finding him but figured he could use the time away from Cas to make sure that he was indeed one hundred percent cool. Which he totally was. So cool 

He found some of the guys in the game room and went ahead playing a round of pool as they discussed their plans for the following few days. 

About thirty minutes later they all separated to go get changed for the day. They'd planned to head up to the ski slopes and spend a couple hours there, knowing they had all week to spend more time skiing if they wanted to. It'd been a while since Dean had seen Cas so he went off to go find his best friend and update him on the plans that had been made. He found Cas sitting in the theatre watching some documentary about whales. 

“There you are.” 

“Were you looking for me? Sorry.” Cas turned off the large projected screen and moved to get up as Dean spoke. 

“It’s fine, dude. Hey the majority of us are planning to try skiing today if you’re interested.” 

“It is why we came here isn’t it?” Dean knew Cas was joking to lighten the air between them, and admittedly it did make him feel less awkward. 

“Well, yeah. But for those of us who haven’t gone skiing with their brother and his family once a year since they were five years old, we’re going to sign up for a beginners class.” 

Cas nodded understandingly and smiled when he asked, “Mind if I tag along?” 

Dean gave him a scrutinizing look, “You’re definitely not a beginner, dude. Charlie, Garth and his buddies are doing the intermediate slopes. Benny, Andrea, and Vic are doing the advanced. You could go with either of those groups. It will probably be a better use of your skills.” 

“Oh. Yeah. Sure. I’ll go let Charlie know she’ll have to hang out with me today.” Cas said with a tight smile and sad eyes. 

Dean mentally kicked himself. He’d been avoiding Cas all morning, after being rude to him during breakfast. That hurt look in Cas’s eyes told Dean exactly what Cas was thinking: he didn’t think Dean wanted to be around him so he was making excuses to spend the day away from Cas. That genuinely wasn’t the case, even if he did want to avoid Cas earlier, Cas was his best friend after all and he didn’t want him to ever feel like Dean didn’t want him around. He’d never want to intentionally or unintentionally hurt his best friend. Never. 

“Cas?” Dean said to Cas’s back as the other man tried to leave the room. 

Cas stopped and turned back to him, “Hmm?” 

“Or you could tag along with me. Though I’m telling you it will be boring for you. Don’t you want to do some actual skiing?”

Cas smiled kindly, “I’d rather spend the day with you than without.” 

Dean pointedly tried to ignore the way that those words felt like they grabbed onto his heart and tugged a little. “Okay,” he replied trying to plaster on a non-terrified smile. Because what the hell was happening to him? 

They all piled into cars and headed up to the ski lodge about an hour away from the cabin. When they got there they all broke apart to go where they needed to go for the day. Jo, Ash, Kevin, Pamela, and a guy Dean believed was named Eric, were all going to endure the beginners class together so Dean and Cas followed behind them. 

It was a pretty large group of people that day which made Dean internally clam up with the idea of so many people watching him fall on his ass. Pamela was currently stealing away Cas’s attention with talk of some of her tarot card reading customers, so Dean was silently stirring in his nerves without his best friend to talk to. Dean didn’t like being bad at things and _this,_ this was something he had a feeling he’d be bad at. 

He was staring at the back of his best friend’s head, contemplating stealing him from his conversation when he heard someone speaking. 

“Hey, handsome.” Dean looked around, trying to see who was about to get hit on. He made eye contact with a pretty blonde a few feet away from him. She smiled. “Yeah, you with the freckles. How’s your day going?” 

“Uhm. Good?” Smooth Winchester, he thought to himself. 

The woman didn’t seem deterred by his lack of elegance in speaking. “Your first time?” She asked with an honest to goodness flutter of her lashes. Dean could now feel Cas’s eyes on him. _Now he pays attention to me,_ he thought bitterly for a moment. He really wasn’t interested in talking to this girl when he wasn’t feeling a hundred percent confident in himself at the moment. 

“What?” He asked, completely forgetting her question. 

“Is this your first time skiing?” She clarified, her teeth were stunningly white behind her smile. 

“Oh yeah, is it obvious?” 

She giggled and sauntered a little closer and Dean was pretty sure she was hitting on him. “A little. But don’t worry, I’ll make sure it’s a memorable experience for you.” 

“Thanks?” He was confused what she was talking about until he realized that she was wearing the resort’s logo. She was the instructor. Realization dawned on him and he understood that she was just trying to get to know him, not hit on him. 

“What’s your name?” 

“Dean.” He responded politely. 

“Well, Dean, I’m Chastity. Maybe after the class today I could give you a private lesson, if you’re interested?” 

His eyebrows raised at her question. He didn’t know why but his first reaction was to look over at Cas, who’d now turned his attention back to Pamela. Suddenly and inexplicably, Dean had no desire to talk to the woman anymore. “Oh, thanks but I’m good.” He said as kindly as he could be while turning down her offer. She was probably just trying to swindle him out of his money anyway. And why the hell wasn't Cas talking to him? Didn't his best friend know he was a nervous pile of nerves?

She looked confused by his answer for a moment before masking it behind a smile. “Okay then, I guess we’ll just get started.” 

When she turned her direction away from him and started addressing their group, Dean wondered if he’d made a stupid choice. It was undeniably not like himself to turn down a hot chick. And she was definitely hot, like, looked like some exotic model from Sweden or wherever the hell it was that all-legged, blonde, bombshells with strong features were bred—that kind of hot. But for whatever reason he just didn’t feel compelled to try and woo her which usually he'd have been all over. He figured it was because any interest she’d have in him would be diminished after she saw how many times he was about to fall on his ass. Yeah. That made sense. He didn't want to appear like a complete buffoon in front of her. It was bad enough that all his friends were going to see him make a fool of himself.

Cas sure as hell noticed Dean's lack of game. His attention now back on Dean as the instructor rambled on to their group. Neither of them were listening to her speaking. “Did you seriously just turn her down?” Cas actually sounded baffled. 

“What?” Dean asked with a shrug, like it was no big deal. 

“Her. Chastity. Practically a human manifestation of everything you’ve ever dreamed of in a woman? You just turned down a sure thing from the sounds of it.” 

“Well, yeah. She’s our ski instructor. It’d be unprofessional.” It was the first thing Dean could think to say. Cas nearly choked on air. 

“Unprofessional? Unprofessional? Coming from the man who asked out his TA for _weeks_ Freshman year until she slept with him?” 

Dean shrugged again, “I don’t know man. Maybe I’m just not really interested in dating right now.” 

“You’re always interested in dating.” 

“Well, things change.” Dean tried to follow the rest of the group but Cas caught him by the arm. 

“Are you feeling okay?” 

“Yeah, man, why wouldn’t I?” 

Cas was looking at him like he was a mystery to be solved, “You’re just acting different.” 

“I’m cool. Let’s go learn how to ski.” 

“I already know how—“ 

“You know what I meant, smartass.” Dean said, adding an eye roll in for good measure. 

Skiing wasn’t exactly Dean’s forte. After learning how to stop, turn, and get up from falling, Chastity left them to practice for a while. All Dean had learned how to do was fall. 

“This is stupid!” Dean complained from his spot in the snow. 

“This is only your first try.” Cas tried to reassure him. 

The green-eyed man let out a childish huff of frustration. “Well why ain’t everyone else falling?” 

“They are. You’re just not paying attention.” 

Dean looked over to Jo and Ash who were also on the ground. It still didn’t make him feel any better. “I hate this.” He said with a pout. 

What felt like hours later, Dean was able to stay upright without falling for more than fifteen minutes. He was going at snail speed, but he was starting to feel a little more confident in himself. Cas, bless the guy’s soul, didn’t even seem particularly bothered with how slow Dean was in learning this sport. “You’re probably so bored right now.” Dean said, bumping Cas in the shoulder with his own. 

Cas looked up at him and laughed. “Are you kidding? Watching Dean Winchester not be good at something? It’s an invaluable experience for me.” 

Dean turned a little too sharp to look at Cas with a glare but wound up falling over into the snow. “I hate you,” He bit out, though there was no heat to his words. 

“If that’s how you feel, I’ll just leave and have the instructor come help you out instead. She was quite interested in you.” Cas teased. 

Dean took that moment to glance over at the instructor in question. She was clearly a confident woman, talking loudly and laughing even louder. She also knew she was attractive, using her fluttery lashes to make even the most frustrated men give their skiing skills another go. If Dean were looking for a no holds barred type of Dean from this trip, she'd be his girl but... something about that thought made his stomach twist. He wanted nothing to do with that anymore. But why?

He turned back to his best friend and thrust out his hand. “Just shut up and help me up.” 

It wasn’t long before Dean decided he seriously needed to take a break. They told their friends where they’d be and headed back to the lodge to rest. The two of them found a place to sit for a while since they had to wait for the others who drove with them to file back in before leaving. The fireplace was warm and so was the coffee that Cas brought back for both of them at the small table Dean had found. 

Everything from that morning had completely left Dean’s mind while he was skiing, but now, being alone with Cas it all came back to him. He felt like he owed his friend some sort of explanation for his behavior. And besides, they had always been pretty good about talking about the things that bothered them. “Hey, about this morning…” Dean started but trailed off. 

Cas took a sip of his coffee waiting for Dean to continue, but when Dean didn’t he asked, “What about it?” 

“Are we cool?” Dean looked at his best friend with worry in his eyes. The other man nodded, his features showed that he was confused. 

“We were never not cool.” 

“Yeah but it was weird wasn’t it?” Dean felt nervous asking that question. 

“If you are referring to you being very closed off this morning, then yes that was weird.” 

“No, I meant, when we woke up.” 

Cas shook his head as if he didn’t understand. “Nothing happened when we woke up, Dean.” 

“No?” 

Cas looked concerned and Dean was starting to question if they even lived through the same morning together. “No. Is this why you’ve been weird all morning? Because you thought you did something?” Cas asked slowly. 

“Yeah.” 

“I assure you, there is nothing to feel strange about. At least by my recollection.” Cas took another drink of his coffee, his expression didn’t seem to show any form of a lie. 

“Alright.” Dean took a sip of his own drink. 

Dean didn’t know if what he was feeling was relief or disappointment. What had happened that morning had seemed so potent to Dean, enough so that it was practically clouding his mind all day. The fact that Cas hadn’t seemed to think anything happened between them two made Dean feel like he was going insane. Was he suddenly starting to feel things but Cas wasn’t? It was too much to deal with. So instead of pushing the subject, Dean shied away from it. 

“You ready to head back? I think I’m pooped.” 

Luckily it didn’t take much longer for their friends to all gather back and hop into their vehicles. 

When they got back, Cas dismissed himself to go take a shower and Dean went about cooking up some dinner for the two of them. When Cas came back upstairs Dean greeted him with a steaming bowl of chicken alfredo pasta. “Everyone is on their own for food. I made us some pasta though.” Dean said with a cheerful tone. 

Cas took the warm bowl in his hands and smiled contently, “You’re a wonderful man.” 

“I know. Hurry before Charlie picks the channel.” Dean nudged Cas in the way of the living room, both men plopped down next to each other on one of the large couches. 

The rest of the house all piled into the living room eventually after all cleaning up and changing for the night. It didn’t surprise Dean or Cas when they all tried to beg Dean to cook for them. Sticking to his guns though, he didn’t let them sway him into cooking no matter how much they begged. Though, he did find himself promising to make dinner the following night. 

The sun was just barely starting to die down but Dean felt exhaustion all the way down to his bones, and by the looks of it, everyone else in their group were looking ready to turn in. He knew it was early but he didn’t think he could keep up conversation with anyone else without actually falling asleep mid conversation. 

“I’m gonna head to the room.” He said practically laying his head on Cas’s shoulder when he spoke. 

“Okay, I’ll clean up and head back there.” Cas moved to grab their dishes as Dean stood up on wobbly legs. 

“You can stay, you know.” Dean assured him, not wanting to pull Cas away from their friends just because he was tired. 

“I know but I’m tired as well.” 

Dean just nodded and turned to make his way down to the guest bedrooms. He must have been moving extremely slow, because by the time he got into their room and was attempting to rip off his shirt Cas was already back from clearing their dishes. 

“I’ll run you a bath.” Cas exclaimed, turning to go to the bathroom.

“I don’t need no bath.” Dean argued. All he needed was a bed. 

“Your aching body with thank me tomorrow.” 

Dean rolled his eyes and went to move towards the bathroom, “I’m an adult, I can make my own bath.” 

“Or you can relax while I do it for you.” Cas sassed back. Dean didn’t feel like arguing so he let his best friend handle it for him. 

A few minutes later Cas was ushering him into the bathroom. He had no clue where Cas had found candles or a lighter, but the bathroom was illuminated in the soft glow of firelight. The tub was filled with bubbles and the air smelled like some sort of flower. Lavender maybe? The whole room just screamed relaxation. Dean felt drunk from exhaustion, and touched by Cas’s kind gesture that he didn’t really think out his next words before uttering them. 

“I should marry you.” 

He heard Cas let out a small laugh from the doorway, “As romantic as that proposal is, I’ll have to decline. I assure you you’ll find someone better than me with more skillsets than running bathwater and putting some bubbles in it.” 

Dean looked over at his best friend who was smiling that small, shy, smile he sometimes got when Dean said something nice to him. He liked that smile. He liked that Cas was always so good to him, no matter if Dean had been a dick to him that day. Not even ten hours prior Dean had shut his best friend out and made him feel like he did something wrong, and now Cas was making him a bubble bath so that Dean wouldn’t be as sore in the morning. Dean looked at his best friend with serious eyes, and told him one truth he knew would never change, “No ones ever gonna be better than you, Cas.” 

Something washed over his best friend’s face, something bright and hopeful. It was only there for a moment before Cas’s regularly collected expression washed back over his features. “Go get in the bath. And don’t fall asleep.” 

Dean did fall asleep, just for a few minutes, but Cas was there to shake him awake and order him out of the tub. Somehow Dean found himself with pajamas on and lying in the world’s softest bed. He didn’t really register that he was facing the wrong way, unable to wrap his arm around Cas, until Cas spoke into the dark.

“Dean?” 

Dean groaned as he tried to move, but his limbs were to heavy. “I can’t roll over.” 

Cas chuckled softly from the other side of the bed. “Okay, good night then.”

Dean laid there for a while, waiting for sleep to overtake him, but he just didn’t feel right. Through a foggy brain he realized that Cas wasn’t even touching him. “What are you doing?” He asked groggily. 

“Trying to sleep.” Cas answered back, equally as exhausted. Dean didn’t like that Cas hadn’t just moved to be closer to him, without needing to be asked. 

“Get over here. I get to be the little spoon tonight.” 

“You hate being the little spoon.” Cas tried to argue. 

That wasn’t entirely true though. Dean didn’t know why he ever told that lie to Cas. And her certainly didn’t know why he confessed to it at that moment, “Maybe I’ve just been lying.” 

He felt the bed shake a little as Cas probably laughed at Dean’s confession. In a matter of moments he felt a large warm body press up against his back, causing him to arch a little into the touch. It was always so much more peaceful to sleep next to someone else. Cas’s arm looped over Dean’s waist, covering Dean’s arm with his own. He’d blame it on the exhaustion later, but at that moment instead of allowing Cas’s arm to rest on his, he grabbed Cas’s hand and laid it flat over his heart. Cas’s arm tugged him just a little bit closer and Dean sighed happily. He really did like being the little spoon. 

It only took a short while for the promise of sleep to start pulling him under, but right before he succumbed, he felt something. He might have been imagining it, but he thought for a brief second, he felt a press of lips on the nape of his neck right before he fell asleep. 

* * *

**7 Years Ago  
Dean and Cas, 13 years old. **

“Dude, I finally did it!” That was Dean’s version of hello as he walked into Cas’s bedroom.

“Did what?” Cas asked, turning away from his video game. 

Dean’s smile on his face could light up Rockefeller Center “I finally kissed Layla.” 

Cas looked impressed, “How was it?” he asked. 

Dean plopped down on the ground next to Cas, learning against the other boy’s bed. “I mean it was just a quick peck, but still.” 

Cas turned to look at Dean and smiled. “I’m happy for you.” 

“Now we just have to get you your first kiss.” Playfully, Dean nudged Cas in the shoulder. 

Cas was turning an embarrassed shade of red. “Uhm…” 

“Cas?” Dean asked, almost sure he knew what Cas was going to say. 

“I… I’ve already had it.” The blue-eyed boy didn’t look up from his lap, he seemed almost embarrassed by the confession. 

Dean was surprised that a zing of hurt hit him in the stomach. He figured it was because Cas never bothered to hell him something this major. “What? When?” He asked. 

“A few months ago…” 

That feeling was growing, making Dean feel almost angry or sad. “Why didn’t you tell me? Was it that Hannah girl? Or was it Sarah? Or Rachel?” 

“No… no, it wasn’t any of them.” 

“Then who?” Dean’s heart, for some reason, was pumping a little faster. Was he really this upset that Cas got his first kiss before him? He wanted his best friend to have a first kiss, of course he did, he just thought… no. It didn’t really matter what he thought. 

Cas shook his head. “I’d rather not talk about it.” 

“Cas, you’ve gotta tell me! We tell each other everything. Don’t you trust me?” 

“Of course I do.” 

Dean frowned. “Then why won’t you tell me?” 

“I’m worried.” 

“About what? I won’t judge you. Was it Hester? I know she’s a bitch but if that’s who it was I don’t mind.” 

“No, no Dean. It wasn’t any of them….” Cas’s voice was trembling. Dean had never seen him so scared. He tried to reach out and touch Cas’s hand but his best friend pulled away. “It—it was Inias.” 

Dean’s eyes blew up wide. “Wait, what? But he’s…” 

“A boy? I know.” Cas’s bottom lip was starting to tremble, a surefire sign that he was about to cry. 

Dean was still trying to process what he just heard. Not that he cared, and he had kind of suspected, but he hadn’t been sure. “Cas…” 

“Dean… I—I think I’m gay.” Cas finally admitted, letting out a small sob at the words. 

“No. Don’t cry!” He tried to pull Cas close to him but Cas was already on his feet ready to leave. 

“Cas, come back.” Dean exclaimed, jumping up to his feet and wrapping his arms tightly around his best friend before he could leave. “I don’t care who you like. It doesn’t matter to me because you’re still Cas. You’re still my best friend.” 

Cas was still shaking with tears running down his face, “Won’t you feel weird around me now?” 

“Why would I?” 

“Because I like boys.” 

Dean couldn’t think of one reason why that would make him ever change his mind about his best friend. “So?” 

“You’re a boy Dean. I don’t want you to think I’m trying to date you or something.” 

Dean wanted to laugh at what the other boy had just said, and if Cas weren’t crying, maybe he would have. But at the moment he knew his friend needed him to be serious. 

“I already know you aren’t. We’re buddies.” Dean reassured him. 

“You really don’t care?” Cas looked hopeful, like he’d been thinking all this time that his and Dean’s friendship would be over when he told the truth about himself. 

Dean hugged his best friend again, pulling him so tight in his arms. “The only thing I care about is that anyone who gets to be with you treats you perfect. You’re too good for anyone I know.” 

“Thank you, Dean.” 

Nothing changed between them. Dean didn’t care for one second about Cas being gay. He didn’t feel uncomfortable, he didn’t feel awkward or any other bad way Cas had thought Dean would feel. Instead he felt closer to his friend. He felt more protective of him too. He knew from TV shows that gay boys usually got bullied a lot but Dean was never ever going to let that happen. He’d make sure Cas knew he was awesome forever.

And when they fell asleep that night, Dean let Cas hug him as close as he wanted to in there sleep, just to prove to him how much it didn’t bother him that Cas liked boys.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It actually makes me laugh how oblivious Dean has always been. I didn't intend for him to be QUITE so clueless, it just kind of happened that way. :)


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm still emotional from Thursday night.... I'm pretty sure my heart is broken. 
> 
> I'm sorry that this chapter is pretty angsty, I know none of you need anymore pain. It will get happier eventually but first these idiots need to work out some of their problems. 
> 
> There might be a lot of mistakes near the end, I wasn't able to edit that part as thoroughly because I don't have much time to do that for the rest of this weekend, if I catch any mistakes I'll try and fix them soon. 
> 
> Thank you so much for reading!

Dean had full on freaked out, like had a mini internal episode. Cas could see it in his eyes the moment he had rolled off of him the previous morning after their impromptu tickling war. He’d only seen Dean freak out like that a handful of times before. The first time was in eighth grade when they’d walked into Dean’s house to pick his homework up he’d forgotten and they found Bobby kissing Mary in the kitchen. Dean didn’t immediately know how to handle having his ‘Uncle’ Bobby kissing his mom… but eventually he came around to it. (Things never did work out for them the way Cas knew Dean silently prayed they would, but even when Bobby and Mary decided they were better off as friends Bobby stuck around and chose to be a father figure to Sam and Dean). 

The second time he’d seen Dean freak out like that was when he’d applied to college. Cas knew how bad Dean had wanted it. How terrified he’d been that no college would see him as worthy enough to get in. Cas himself looked over each of Dean’s applications (and maybe paid a few application fees without Dean knowing) as well as previewed each essay Dean submitted. Though Cas knew Dean had an excellent chance of getting in to all the places he applied, he still prayed every night for his best friend to get in. And Dean did get in to every single college he’d applied to on top of getting scholarships to most. 

So Dean freaking out wasn’t unusual for Cas but it’d yet to be because of something he’d done. And that worried him. 

Dean had given Cas this look when he found himself pinned under Dean’s heavy weight. Cas knew he was insane for thinking that there’d been desire in that look—a hint of a moment that meant more than just friendship. Enough of a look that Cas had half the mind to pull Dean fully on top of him and… well he didn’t know. Kiss him probably? The thought had briefly crossed his mind before he’d come around and realized that it was _Dean_ on top of him. His best friend. His _straight_ best friend. One who didn’t have a clue in the world that Cas was probably already halfway in love with him. (Fully. Fully in love). 

Something in Cas’s own look must have trigged Dean’s panic because Dean practically flung himself off Cas and out the door. All day Cas could see Dean working out whatever was bothering him, and Cas just knew it was because of him. Knew that Dean had probably seen something in Cas’s eyes that screamed ‘I need you to kiss me right now’ and was beginning to question their entire friendship. There was no doubt in Cas’s mind that in that moment Dean figured out Cas was harboring feelings so deep down that they’d practically been etched into his core. So much so that his feelings for Dean were never actually a conscious thought anymore and more just a state of being, one that he’d grown use to and lived with. 

But Dean hadn’t so much as suspected it before… and now he probably did and was disgusted with Cas. So Cas had played dumb. Or tried to. Pretended that the morning’s interactions were completely inconsequential that he’d not been bothered by at all. That he didn’t even remember anything happening. 

And by the look of relief on Dean’s face, that had been a choice for the best. Usually it didn’t hurt, knowing that Dean and him wouldn’t ever be anything more than friends. Usually Cas could reason with himself that he was bound to find someone to take his mind off of it eventually. He and Dean would find the right people for themselves, they’d live their lives (of course staying friends), and eventually Cas would look back and laugh at the way he’d ever pined over Dean for so long. 

It wasn’t until he had Dean, lying there in his arms that very night, that he wasn’t able to play stupid anymore. There was something about the day, the whole trip, the way their friends kept looking at Cas with suspicion in there eyes that was making it harder to stifle things down. With his arms around Dean it had felt so _good._ It had always felt perfect to fall asleep next to Dean and Cas had just lain there wondering … daydreamed really, about a life where he’d get to have it forever. A life where’d he fall into bed and snuggle up with Dean, wake him up just for a goodnight kiss and drift into a peaceful sleep. 

Knowing Dean was asleep, Cas indulged himself just a little… pressing his lips to the back of his best friend’s neck right before falling asleep. It was pathetic and it just made it harder for him to stomp down all the feelings he’d been hiding for so long. He needed them to stay repressed. It was hard enough lying in his best friend’s embrace most nights and not allowing himself to feel anything, telling himself that the only reason Dean let him was because they were both just use to each other’s company. It meant nothing—it had to mean nothing. 

But something had shifted inside him and it didn’t feel like it would snap back any time soon. It was as if fourteen years of pent up emotion was starting to claw its way to the surface and all Cas wanted was to hear that it wasn’t one sided. 

Cas didn’t sleep much that night and was awake far earlier than he liked. But it meant he was awake to hear his phone buzzing on the side table. Looking at the screen he saw that he had five missed calls and about ten unread texts. All from Sam. 

He quickly skimmed through all of the messages before reading the last one. 

_Sam: Cas, is everything okay? Please answer._

**Cas:** Yes? Are you all right?

_Sam: Dean didn’t call me last night._

Cas looked at his phone with confusion. Dean called Sam every single day no later than after dinner, without fail. 

**Cas:** He didn’t? 

_Sam: No. I tried to call both of you but neither of you answered._

Cas knew Sam had probably been worried all night long. He felt guilty that neither of them answered and that he hadn’t heard his phone in the middle of the night, his mind too clouded with his thoughts. 

**Cas:** I’m very sorry. We all had a long day and went to bed early. Dean is still asleep. Would you like me to wake him up? 

Cas expected a text response but instead got a phone call from Sam. 

“Hello, Sam.” Cas answered, trying to keep his voice soft enough to not wake Dean. 

“Hey Cas, wake him up please.” He could hear the worry in Sam’s voice and was plagued by another wave of guilt. 

As gently as possible he shook Dean by the shoulder, knowing Dean wasn’t a fan of being woken up before his internal alarm clock. “Dean, Sam’s on the phone.” 

“Why?” Dean asked as he opened his eyes groggily. 

“You didn’t call him last night.” 

“Crap! Give it to me.” He sitting up and reaching for the phone immediately, spewing apologizing to his brother the moment the receiver met his ear. “I’m sorry Sammy! I just forgot. I was so tired.” 

There was a short pause before Dean spoke again, “I know. I didn’t mean to worry you, kiddo.” 

Cas was fairly close to Gabriel, but it was nothing compared to the way Dean and Sam were close. Dean always talked about Sam like he was the most important kid in the world and that was one of the infinite things Cas loved about his best friend. 

It was hard for Dean to move five hours away from Sam but Dean promised he’d call his brother every night. It was something Dean stood by. It seemed to be more of a comfort for Dean than it probably was for the sixteen year old. Still, not hearing from Dean without any explanation must have given the kid a scare. Cas was surprised Mary hadn’t called as well out of worry—the two of them had gotten quite the lecture on being safe on the trip and letting her know that they were not buried under hundreds of feet of snow.

There was something immensely comforting about the sound of Dean’s voice, especially the gravely timbre that always came out in the early morning hours. Cas found himself almost lulled to sleep listening to Dean’s side of the conversation with Sam. Dean had scooted up the bed to sit against the headrest, and without much thought to his movements Cas laid his head in his best friend’s lap. Almost automatically Dean’s fingers found Cas’s hair and began weaving through it with gentle strokes. 

Cas figured he’d probably been in that halfway stage between sleep and wake for about twenty minutes when he was pulled back around by the sound of Dean’s laugh. The room was brighter than it had been when Cas had first closed his eyes, he assumed Dean had opened the blinds—he was too lazy to open his eyes and find out. He felt Dean’s hand resting in his hair, as if somewhere during his sleep Dean had forgotten what he’d been doing. 

“Sammy, you’d love it up here. Next time we come I’m going to drag you along.” Cas could hear Sam murmur something on the other end. “Yeah, Cas is having fun too.” There was a tingling feeling down his spin as he felt Dean’s fingers start their movement in his hair again at the mention of his name. His head jostled a little when Dean let out a chuckle. “Shut up. He’s not a bitch like you and doesn’t make fun of me for falling.”

Cas lifted his head up glaring at Dean for the shaky wakeup. Dean winked at him before his attention turned back to whatever Sam had said. “I am too getting better!” He exclaimed. Dean rolled his eyes but Cas detected the fondness in the gesture.

“Sammy wants to talk to you.” He said, directing his attention to Cas.

He grabbed the phone from Dean and put it to his ear, “Sam?” 

“Is he actually getting better?” There was suspicion in the kid’s voice and Cas was confused what he was talking about. 

“At what?” 

“Skiing?” Cas laughed a little at Sam’s question. He’d found himself in the middle of one too many I-told-you-so battles between the brothers but couldn’t seem to mind it too much. It made him feel like he was a part of the bond between them. 

“He is.” Cas said honestly, because Dean definitely didn’t suck as much as he had by the end of the day. 

“You’re lying!” Sam accused. 

“I’m not.” 

“How many times has he fallen?” There was a bit of sass in his tone when the kid asked. Why Sam and Dean played these wars with each other was beyond him but sometimes he did like to help Sam with them… 

“Countless. And I can assure you he does look hilarious when falls.” There was a rough shove to his shoulder that caused him to laugh. 

“Dude!” Cas smirked at Dean whose eyes had blown wide with mock-betrayal. He was about to make fun of Dean for being too sensitive when he heard Sam speak directly too him. 

“Hey… Cas.” Dean was trying to grab the phone from Cas but Cas knew Sam’s voice sounded suddenly more serious. He refused to give the phone back to Dean and sat up so that Dean couldn’t overhear whatever Sam was about to say. He had a feeling he knew. 

“Yeah Sam?” 

“Have you done what we talked about yet?” 

Cas tried to nonchalantly angle his head away from Dean who was trying to eavesdrop. “No, I haven’t.” 

“I really think you should.” There was determination in the teenager’s voice. 

He let out a sigh. Sam had been bugging him for a few weeks on the subject and Cas just wasn’t sure, “I still don’t think it’s a good idea.” 

“What’s not a good idea?” Dean asked petulantly, trying to scoot closer to hear. 

Sam knew better than to say anything that Dean could overhear, so he brought the conversation to an end. “Just think about it.” 

“I have been thinking about it. Maybe when the time is right.” Cas insisted. 

“When the time is right for what?” Dean probed again looking put out. 

“Here’s Dean back.” Cas said into the receiver before offering the phone to Dean. His best friend snatched it away and began questioning Sam. 

“What was that about? Are you and Cas keeping secrets from me now? One of you is going to tell me what that was about.” Dean gave a pointed look in Cas’s direction as Cas slid out of bed. He figured if he were in the shower Dean wouldn’t hound him too much on the subject. On the other hand, it wouldn't be the first time Dean followed him into the bathroom to bug him. 

“Fine! But I’m not going to let this go.” He heard Dean say from the bed. “I promise I’ll call you tonight. Bye, Sammy. He says bye Cas.” 

“Bye Sam!” Cas called out as he closed the bathroom door. 

When he was undressing he heard a knock at the door. He groaned a little, thinking that Dean was going to bug him about his conversation with Sam during his entire shower. “Yeah?” He called through the door. 

“What do you want for breakfast?” 

He sent a silent prayer up to the heavens for Dean being unable to deny a growling stomach. At least he got a while longer to come up with an excuse for what he and Sam were keeping from Dean. “Scrambled eggs?” Cas asked as he stripped out of his pajama pants. 

“Bacon or sausage?” He heard through the door. 

“Both?” He waited until he heard Dean’s affirmative, “You got it” before turning on the water to the shower. 

It didn’t take him long to shower and get dressed for the day. It was still a little early in the morning but he wasn’t surprised to see most of the group awake since they’d gone to bed so early the night before. He heard a chorus of ‘good morning’ as he walked into the great room. Most people were sitting around the dining room table eating the breakfast he was certain Dean had quickly whipped up for all of them. He joined them at the table, sitting right between Dean and Charlie. Now that it was morning again and everyone was sitting around eating, everything seemed to go back to normal. Cas was certain whatever had happened the previous day had been long forgotten and Dean’s freak out was well in the past. He was even starting to feel confident in his own ability to start cramming his pesky feelings back down into the box where they belonged. 

Breakfast didn’t last long since everyone decided they wanted to get a head start on skiing for the day. Dean had managed to convince Cas to spend the day with Charlie so that Dean could hang back and continue working on his skiing skills. Cas was actually quite excited to be able to ski for real for the day but he hoped that Dean would pick it up quickly now that he’d had a day of practice so that Cas could go on more adventurous runs with him. After changing and gathering whatever they'd need for the day, they quickly broke off into groups for who would be in the same car together. Cas was to be with Charlie, Benny, Andrea, and Victor—all of who were eager to get out the door as soon as possible. He haphazardly got ready and was running down the hall before he realized that he left his gloves in the room. Five minutes of searching later he found them balled up in the pocket of his pants. 

He was surprised Charlie had not been sent to come find him since his group was anxious to get out the door but thankful for not being too rushed. He ran down the down the hallway towards the stairs to the ground level but stopped short when he heard an unfamiliar voice saying Dean’s name. 

“Dean, right?” From his vantage point on the stairs, Cas noticed the man speaking was someone he hadn’t been formally introduced to. He thinks Dean had mentioned his name could be Eric. 

“Yup.” Dean confirmed sounding uninterested. Cas didn’t know why he stood there instead of walking out to the living room and heading for the garage, but something in the way the other man was staring at Dean made Cas hesitant to interrupt. 

“I’m Aaron.” Said the man, leaning back against the kitchen counter next to Dean. 

“What’s up?” Dean asked barely looking up from the dishes he was drying. 

“I wanted to introduce myself, I haven’t had a chance yet.” 

Dean offered a hand, “Nice to meet you.” 

Aaron took a step closer to Dean and Cas could feel the glare that was forming on his face. “You going in Jo’s car?” 

Dean seemed so unassuming when he responded with, “Yeah. You?” 

He was completely oblivious to a man who was clearly trying to come on to him, something that was plain as day to Castiel just based on the predatory look that was in the shorter man’s eyes. “Well maybe…” Aaron supplied, failing miserably at luring Dean in with his aloofness. 

Dean dried off his last dish and placed it on the drying rack before turning to Aaron to politely say, “Okay. Well I should go get changed. Maybe I’ll see you then.” 

Aaron caught Dean’s arm as the green-eyed man started to walk away. “Wait—I just…” He let go of Dean’s arm when Dean eyed his grip on his arm suspiciously. But Aaron didn’t seem to be deterred from his end goal. “For the record, there’s nothing going on with you and that other guy right?” 

If Cas hadn’t already been eavesdropping, that question surely would have gotten his attention. He felt like if he even breathed he’d ruin whatever it was that seemed to be unfolding in front of him. “What other guy?” 

“Blue eyes?” 

“Cas?” Dean’s tone was confused. 

“Yeah, the one who’s always hanging around you?” 

“He’s my best friend. Why?” 

“So you two aren’t a thing?” 

“A thing?” The question was spoken slowly, as if Dean was allowing Aaron time to ponder if he really wanted to ask this question. 

“You dating him?”

It stung how clipped Dean’s ‘No. We’re just friends,’ came out. And if Aaron knew Dean, he’d have known that when Dean answers questions so shortly it mean’s he’s done with the conversation. If Aaron knew Dean, he’d have figured out that Dean was ready to flee at any moment based on the way his eyes were frantically avoiding eye contact. If Aaron knew Dean, he’d have backed down on this subject matter because it was a surefire way to get Dean to shut down. 

But Aaron didn’t know Dean. So he carried on with his futile flirting. “Good.” 

“Good?” There was a hint of panic in Dean’s voice as Aaron stepped forward and crowded Dean’s space. It was close enough that Cas was ready to intervene, to save his best friend from this unwanted attention. He was frozen in his spot though, worried about how Dean would react and also quite possibly seething with a jealous rage. He watched in disbelief as Aaron slid his hand up Dean’s forearm. 

“I was thinking, what if we ditched the slopes today and just hung out here? We can spend the day getting to know each other better. Much better.” 

“Excuse me?” 

Aaron smirked, “I snatched one of the master bedrooms. What do you say you ditch out on skiing today and come have some fun with me instead?” 

It was like watching a car crash. Cas knew he should come out from the shadows and be of some sort of assistance to his best friend, but there was this deep seated part of him that wanted to see how it ended. He was waiting for Dean to either throw a punch or storm off in a huff. Instead all he saw was a stoic figure gaping like a fish, “Uh—“ 

“I’ll make it a good time. Really good.” Aaron insisted, he was nearly chest to chest with Dean now, practically oozing with lust. 

Something in Aaron’s look must have snapped Dean out of his haze because he took a sharp step back, nearly clambering onto the counter that Aaron had crowded him against. “Dude. What do you think you’re doing?” 

“I don’t think I’m making myself clear. No strings. Just a good time. No one even has to know if that’s what you’re worried about.” 

“What the hell? I’m not into dudes.” There was a squeaky quality to Dean’s voice. 

Aaron narrowed his eyes, almost amused, but still stepped back to let Dean out of his space. “Right...” 

“It’s true!” Dean argued back. 

The shorter man seemed to have gone from one hundred to zero in a matter of seconds, he almost looked bored with Dean now, clearly annoyed he didn’t get to ‘have some fun’. “You could have fooled me.” 

Aaron was walking away now but Dean sputtered in his direction, “What the hell is that suppose to mean?” 

“Doesn’t matter.” The other man said with a shrug. 

Dean moved quickly to block the guy from leaving the kitchen area. “No. Tell me. Why’d you think I was gay?” 

“Why does it matter?” 

“I just want to know.” 

Aaron gave Dean this assessing look, like he wasn’t sure if Dean was telling the truth about wanting to know. To be fair, the way Dean seemed to be slightly panicking over the seduction attempt would be enough to alert Cas that Dean definitely _didn’t_ want to know the answer. But Dean stood there staring at Aaron until he answered. “You just give off this vibe. Like you’re willing to bat both ways if the right opportunity presented itself.” 

Cas was almost worried Dean’s brain short-circuited with the way he didn’t immediately retort Aaron’s answer. When the denial did come, it sounded frail. “That’s insane. I’m not—I’m not gay.” 

“You don’t have to be gay to like men.” There was amusement in Aaron’s tone. 

Dean huffed loudly, “I know that! Doesn’t change anything. I still don’t like dick.” 

Aaron didn’t look convinced but completely backed down. He took a few steps backwards, heading towards the stairs that would lead him to the upper bedrooms. “Okay then. Forget I said anything.” 

Dean nodded dumbly, “Right. Yeah. I will.” 

“See you in the car.” Aaron purred with a wink before retreating away. 

Cas didn’t immediately walk out knowing that would look suspicious. He waited a few more seconds, wondering how the hell he’d managed to go so long without anyone from his car searching for him. He stepped into the living room attempting to look distracted with having just found his gloves. Dean didn’t notice him at first as he was standing there starting at the granite countertops looking like it personally offended him. 

“Dean?” Cas asked hesitantly. 

Dean’s eyes shot up quickly. “Cas? What are you still doing here?” 

“I couldn’t find my gloves.” He held up the items in question to solidify his alibi. 

Dean’s eyes were distant and distracted, “Oh. Yeah, right. Sorry about that.” 

“You have nothing to apologize for, I was the one who misplaced them. Anyway, they’re all waiting for me. I should hurry.” 

His best friend didn’t even look at him when he nodded his head and said ‘Right.’ Cas wanted to ask him what was wrong. Wanted to try and make Dean feel better in whatever way he could but the way Dean shoulders were slumped forward told Cas that this was a ‘not-right-now’ gesture. He sighed internally and did his best to step around Dean’s distress. 

“Are you not going today?” Cas wondered out lout. He figured Dean was definitely not in the mood to spend any more time with Aaron than necessary. 

It was an innocent question, Cas thought, but Dean’s eyes nearly bugged out of his head as he fumbled over his words. “What? Of course I’m going. Why would you think I’m not going?” 

Cas was sometimes rather talented at coming up with lies on his feet. So instead of saying ‘Well you just got propositioned by a guy and are kind of freaking out,’ he shrugged and said, “You’re not dressed,” instead. 

Dean looked down at his attire as if realizing it for himself, “Oh… yeah. Garth’s friends are still sleeping. We’re just waiting on them.” 

“I understand.” When Dean said nothing in return, Cas decided it was time to dismiss himself. “Well, I better not keep them waiting anymore. I’ll see you later today.” 

“Mhm.” Is all he heard in return. He sighed again, wondering if Dean would feel comfortable telling him about what had happened in the kitchen. He figured it was highly likely that Dean wouldn’t say a word of it. 

He was almost to the door when he heard Dean’s voice right behind him. “Cas?” 

Cas stopped in his tracks and turned around, suddenly enveloped in a warm, safe hug. “Be careful.” Dean commanded when they pulled apart. 

He smiled at his best friend, “Of course Dean.” 

When he got to the garage the rest of his group was already waiting for him in the truck. Victor was the only one who looked put out from waiting so long. 

“Everything good?” Benny asked casually. 

“I couldn’t find my gloves.” 

“It happens.” The big man responded, giving Andrea a look Cas couldn’t quite decipher. 

Skiing with people who didn’t fall on their ass every five minutes was almost refreshing. It was nice to be able to go at his own pace, feeling the wind biting his cheeks as he flew down the mountainside. He really did like skiing and always had. When he was younger and would come up with Gabriel and Gabriel’s other siblings, he use to imagine if he could go fast enough he’d eventually be able to just take off and fly. Something about the snow too just felt magical to him, otherworldly to someone who grew up near an ocean. 

It was also great to catch up with people who weren’t Dean. Not that he’d ever really tire of Dean, but sometimes the two of them were paired together so much that their friends often forgot they were different people. With Benny, Cas liked to debate on different political stances—and with Charlie he liked to discuss the different factors in global warming and preventative strategies for the matter; those weren’t subject matters that would go very far if Dean were in the conversation being that he wasn’t passionate about them the same way Cas was. 

It was a good day and Cas was glad he listened to his best friend and went off on his own for it. He was a little disappointed, though, when the weather started to grow a bit rough while only a few hours into their fun. Collectively, they decided to call it a day, not wanting to be stuck in a snowstorm. They figured they had the whole week to find better days to ski but still wanted to spend the rest of their day outside of the cabin. They chose to stick around town and maybe check out a few places to eat before heading back to the cabin after Charlie had decided on a group game night for that evening. And apparently group game night rules deem they all needed to pregame before the festivities. 

They found themselves crowding a few high top tables at a bar waiting for their entire group to trickle in. The place was filled with other people who apparently had the same idea as the rest of them. The air was thick and muggy but the atmosphere was cheery and even though he’d never found himself one for big crowds he was actually having a good time. 

That was until Dean and his group showed up. 

He walked in, arm flung over Pamela, laughing his loud and manic laugh that he only let out when he was trying too hard. It was that laugh that alerted Cas that Dean’s downstairs brain was the only one working for the moment and was solely focused on finding a prize for the night. Not that Pamela would ever give Dean a chance but it still made Cas’s insides churn at the sight of them so cozy. Dean didn’t even so much as acknowledge Cas’s presence, instead continued to flirt incessantly with Pamela until she sent him away. His quick stint with wooing Jo was shot down before his mouth even opened. 

So that’s how Cas found himself staring daggers at the back of Dean’s head as he whispered what Cas was sure was filth into a pretty blonde girl’s ear at the bar. 

Charlie, bless her soul, did everything in her power to distract Cas. He knew she knew about his feelings, she was a genius after all (though he knew it didn’t take someone with more than a kindergarten education to figure it out at this point) so she kept him supplied with alcohol and discussion on her latest LARPing costume idea. It wasn’t a foolproof plan, but it distracted him enough to wait it out until Benny, Andrea, Kevin, and Charlie all decided to head back. 

“Could I join you?” Cas asked Benny almost desperately. 

“You’re not going to stay with Dean?” 

Cas rolled his eyes, “If you haven’t noticed, he’s a bit occupied.” 

Benny looked over in Dean’s direction, the big man looked almost upset with Dean. “Yeah, come with us.” He met Cas’s eyes with a small smile. “You should probably let Dean know we’re kidnapping you, though.” 

Cas squinted at Benny, because why would he have to tell Dean where he was going? Besides, he really didn’t want to interrupt _that._ “That won’t matter. He’s busy.” 

Benny, for whatever reason, didn’t look convinced. “Right… come on then.” 

Cas was tense the whole ride home. He badly wanted to pull Charlie away once they got back to the house and vent to her about everything that had been plaguing him since the previous day but she seemed too excited about setting up game night that he didn’t want to burden her. 

When they got back, he decided to wait out in his room and watch whatever was on TV until he was called back upstairs for the games. He figured he had an hour or so since the rest of their party had still been enjoying a few more drinks back at the bar. 

He probably shouldn’t have allowed himself to be alone as his mind immediately wandered to Dean and the blonde girl. 

He’d seen it a hundred times, Dean putting his charm on overdrive and talking his way into their pants. Hell, he’d been Dean’s wingman a couple of times in the past. He’d even lived through a couple of Dean’s actual attempts at relationships. It was never easy. Of course it wasn’t easy to watch the person he felt everything for go and seduce overly willing women. But he’d grown use to it over the years, learned to compartmentalize even. Just now… it wasn’t so easy to pretend it didn’t hurt something awful. And if Dean knew it was hurting him, there was no question that Dean would stop being so blatant in his affections for other people. But telling Dean it hurt him meant telling Dean that Cas had feelings for him and that was not something he was willing to share. So Castiel just felt resigned to forever watch the person he loved remain completely oblivious to his crumbling heart. 

It hurt. Tonight it hurt more than Cas wanted to accept. It’d really been a while since Dean had been successful in his endeavors, so long that Cas had started to pretend that maybe he didn’t have anything to worry about anymore. Dean’s past few attempts at dating were failures and Cas secretly relished in the fact that he was the one that got to have Dean in his bed and not some random chick he’d never believe would be good enough for his best friend. Despite Dean’s recent strikeouts, Cas was certain the girl from the bar wasn’t going to turn him down—not with the way she’d practically pulled Dean into her lap. 

And it just… God. He didn’t feel he could do it anymore. Looking at Dean the following morning and knowing he’d been with someone else, in someone else’s bed, it wasn’t something Cas felt he could stomach. He’d stupidly let himself grown comfortable having Dean lying next to him every night, whereas before he’d been sad but still okay when Dean would spend the night somewhere else. Everything felt different now though. 

His heart hurt. His bed smelled like Dean. And his tears decided they couldn’t stay at bay. It was rare he ever allowed himself to cry but sometimes he just couldn’t fight them back anymore. He decided to just get them out now. It was better than breaking down in front of Dean at a more inconvenient time. 

Hardly forty minutes later he heard the door to the room open. Expecting Charlie, he looked up, trying to school his features to look somewhat normal. 

“You didn’t tell me you were leaving.” Was the first thing Dean said as he walked into the room. He looked disappointed. 

The door on Cas’s emotions quickly slammed shut. He cleared his throat with a cough and tried to speak levelly, “You were busy.” 

“You could have still told me.” Dean insisted as he walked towards the dresser to pull out some pajamas. 

“I apologize. I didn’t want to interrupt.” Cas was really confused why Dean was already back so he asked. “What are you doing back?” 

Dean shrugged, “I got tired.” 

It didn’t sound like a complete truth. “Oh really?” 

“Mhm.” Dean said, stripping off his shirt and pulling his pajama shirt on. 

Cas really, really didn’t want to know the answer to the question he was about to ask, but he knew it was expected that he asked anyway, “What happened with the girl?” 

Dean’s response was almost uncaring as he stripped out of his pants and into his sweats, “I ditched her. She was too bubbly.” 

“Curse those happy people.” Cas responded, trying to sound mocking but certain he wasn’t convincing. 

Dean slid under the covers and studied Cas for a moment, “Hey, you okay?” He asked. 

“Yes.” His smile didn’t reach his eyes, but Cas felt his voice didn’t convey the sadness he was feeling. Apparently he wasn’t so successful. 

“That doesn’t sound like you’re okay. What’s up?” 

“Nothing.” Cas lied. 

“Come here.” Dean slung his arm around Cas’s shoulder, settling once they were side-by-side. “Did something happen?” 

Did something happen? Maybe. If Dean was lying about what’d happened, it had been an hour, which means there’d probably been enough time that the girl and Dean could have…. But Dean said that he ditched her, and he wasn’t one to lie about those things. And well, something else did kind of happen too—Cas’s heart decided it didn’t want to be stifled any longer and it was causing him to cry like a child over some fractures it obtained. But that wasn’t something he wanted to share. So he lied again. “I…. I don’t know.” 

Dean narrowed his eyes, “Did someone say something to you?” 

“No. It wasn’t that.” Cas said with a shake of his head. He tried to turn away to look back at the TV screen but Dean cupped his cheek and forced him to look at the green-eyed man. 

“What’s wrong then? You look like you’ve been crying.” 

Cas blinked a few times, wondering if he could say it was allergies, but decided Dean wouldn’t believe that. “Forest Gump was on TV.” Is what he said instead, it wasn’t a complete lie; he did see that as one of the guide options. 

“You’re lying.” There was worry in Dean’s eyes. One thing Cas knew to be true, Dean couldn’t stand when Cas was hurt, it was touching most days but now Cas wanted Dean to back off and not dig so much. 

“I’m not. It was really on TV.” Cas insisted. 

Dean gave Cas a pointed look. He usually didn’t rest until he got the whole truth out of him. Cas didn’t want the night to go that way.

“It’s fine Dean.” 

Dean was shaking his head, the beginnings of his temper were starting to flare up. “No it’s not. If someone did something or said something to you, you need to let me know.” He had his ‘big-brother’ voice on, the one that meant he was ready to go to battle if someone hurt either Sam or Cas… if only Dean knew why Cas was hurting. 

Cas shook his head now too, “No. No one did anything like that, I promise.” 

“You’re worrying me.” Dean’s eyes looked sad, like he didn’t understand why Cas would keep something from him—admittedly it was strange since they rarely kept secrets but Cas knew this was for the best. 

“I’ll be okay.” He gave a tight-lipped smile to his best friend before extracting himself from the bed. “Let’s go join the others.” He supplied before walking out of the room, not allowing Dean to question him any further. 

It didn’t surprise him much when Dean stayed right next to Cas’s side all night. Usually he was the one to be caught staring at Dean but that night every time he looked up, Dean’s eyes were locked on him and Dean would offer a small, gentle smile. Cas could tell his best friend was doing everything in his power to make him smile too, or laugh even. And usually it would work, any attention he received from Dean had always been more than welcome, but that night, each brush of shoulders against each other, every hand that rubbed down his back, all fingers that smoothed his hair back felt like a bitter reminder of something he’d never really get to have. 

He could practically hear the cogs churning in Dean’s head, trying to suss out what was wrong with Cas. Castiel desperately hoped that he wasn’t completely wearing his heart on his sleeve, knew that he kind of was by the pitying look Charlie had given him the few times he’d made eye contact with her. He didn’t want Dean to realize that it was because of him that Cas was feeling this way. He did his best to play pretend, but he knew his best wasn’t good enough. 

Neither man said anything as they made their way back to the bedroom after the group had called it a night. They were both already in their pajamas so each of them dove straight into bed right after brushing their teeth. 

Cas immediately moved to lie on his side, to be the little spoon, but Dean didn’t let him. Instead Cas felt a tug to his arm and knew, without asking, what Dean meant. Cas rolled over to face Dean, hesitantly laying his head down on his best friend’s chest, right above his heart. Two strong arms were wrapping around him instantaneously, hugging him firmly to his chest, the way Dean always did when Cas had had a particularly rough day. 

Cas felt a couple tears prickle at his eyes because as much as he wanted it, wanted it to be real, it never would be. If only Dean could feel anything more for Cas than friendship, they might have a good shot at making each other happy—it wasn’t like they didn’t already get along seamlessly. Cas knew that it wasn’t possible though. He knew that the only part of Dean he’d get was this, falling asleep next to him while Dean was none the wiser about how much it hurt to have him so close but be so completely unavailable. 

* * *

**6 Years Ago,  
Dean and Cas, 14 years old. **

“Dean, I don’t even like Katie.” Cas whispered to Dean. 

Dean stepped a little closer to whisper back. “I know, but the only way Jamie would go tonight was if Katie and you go too.” 

Cas looked up and over to the two girls waiting by the ticket stand, they seemed to be giggling with each other about something. It made Cas feel annoyed, “You said it was just going to be us.” 

His best friend sighed and had a guilty look on his face, “I know. But I knew you wouldn’t go if I told you.” 

“You still should have asked.” 

“Please Cas? Will you do this for me?” Dean looked at him with a pleading face, one that he’d perfected over the years of their friendship. It was always hard for Cas to say no to him after that. 

“Okay, fine. Just this once. I mean it Dean.” 

Dean smiled proudly, “You’re awesome.” 

He didn’t feel so awesome when twenty minutes into the movie he heard the grotesque smack of lips next to him. He turned to his right to see Dean practically suffocating his date with his tongue down her throat. 

It was quick and painful, the rip that suddenly seared hot through his core. In a matter of moments he felt all the air sucked from his lungs and burning in the corners of his eyes. His heart was pounding heavily in his chest. He thought briefly that he was dying… he’d never felt this way before and it scared him. Without much though he got up and exited the theater, walking quickly to get to the bathroom. 

He flung himself into a stall and pinched his eyes shut, trying to get his breathing under control. 

His mind supplied an endless reel of the sight of Dean kissing Jamie. It made the limited air in his lungs dwindle even further. 

He hated it. He hated seeing Dean kissing someone. He’d never seen it happen before, just heard of the handful girls Dean had kissed over the year. But seeing it was awful. Seeing it made him realize he never wanted to see that again. 

His lower lip was trembling and he knew he was going to cry. He felt like an idiot, running away to a bathroom stall to cry over his best friend kissing a girl. 

Cas didn’t know what to do, but he did know he didn’t want to go back into that theater. 

He reached into his pocket and pulled out his phone. 

“Yo, little bro! What’s up?” Cas heard after two rings. 

Castiel’s breath was ragged when he spoke, “Gabe… can… can you come get me?” 

Immediately, all trace of Gabriel’s playful attitude dissipated, “Cassie? What’s wrong?” 

“I’m—I’m at the movies.” 

“Did something happen? I’m on my way. Talk to me kiddo, what’s wrong?” 

Cas didn’t know how to word exactly what he was feeling, “Dean—“ 

“What did he do?” Gabe bit out almost angrily. 

“He… he’s with someone and he—he was kissing her. And I—I just…” 

Cas could hear a sad sigh on Gabriel’s end. “Cassie, just breath okay? I’ll be there in fifteen minutes. Go wait for me outside.” 

Cas nodded his head though he knew Gabe couldn’t see him. His brain was still trying to process what he’d just seen, “Why does it hurt so much?” 

“I don’t know, kiddo. I’ll be there soon,” His big brother promised. 

Gabriel had picked him up and taken him home that day. He spent the whole night with Cas listening to him open up about what exactly it was he felt, helping Cas realize that maybe it wasn’t just friendship he felt for Dean Winchester. 

His older brother had stepped up to the plate too when Dean started frantically calling, trying to figure out where Cas had gone. He even body blocked Dean from getting into the house, coming up with the story that Cas had come down with a nasty batch of food poisoning. 

That was the first night of many that Gabriel would pick Cas up off the floor after Dean had bruised his heart unknowingly. It was the first night of many that Cas would hear Gabriel insist that Dean would understand if Cas just told him how he felt. 

It was also the first night of many, that Cas would find himself lying in bed feeling miserable because he wasn’t the one that Dean had picked. He knew he’d never be the one Dean picked, so he told himself to learn to accept the way he felt on those nights. One day, he told himself, it would stop being so hard.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don’t want this to read as Dean is homophobic in any way. The reason I see Dean being so weird about everything is that he’s always seen himself as one way, everyone has always known him as a ladies man, he’s always been kind of a charmer/player. It’s his reputation. Now, it feels like everyone is telling him that he’s someone else and he doesn’t like to not feel in control of who he is. He hasn’t exactly sat down and thought about how he feels, so hearing how he feels from other people is making him anxious and act out in silly ways.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay! Another chapter! Let me just start by saying that this was one of the only chapters that I didn't have a plan for what was going to happen so I was really struggling to get the plot to move along. A few nights ago I had an idea and it happened to be exactly what I needed to get this chapter to end where I wanted it to. I hope you enjoy!

Dean was mid scarfing down more chocolate chip waffles than he was willing to admit when he heard his phone ringing on the table. He looked at the name on the screen with confusion before swiping a sticky finger across the screen and answering. 

“Gabe? I think you called the wrong person.” He answered around a mouthful of food. It was rare that Gabriel called him during daylight—most phone calls were a three AM ‘could you come get me I’m drunk and don’t know where my car is’ type of deal. 

“Did I? Nope. ‘My Baby Bro’s Man Candy’ is definitely the name I wanted to click.” 

Dean rolled his eyes, having actual proof that was his name in Gabriel’s phone. “What do you want Jackass?” 

“Where’s the can opener?” 

Dean almost laughed because the last phone call he received like this had been the other man wondering where the detergent was. “Drawer to the right of the sink.” 

“Okay, and the baking pans?” 

“Underneath the oven.” Dean uttered back without a beat. 

“What about the pizza cutter?” 

“Also to the right of the sink.” Dean got up to grab another waffle (what? They were delicious), and spewed off the answers to each of Gabriel’s questions. 

“Oven mitts?” 

“Left of the stove. Did you even bother looking?” He asked with an amused eye roll. It wasn’t uncommon to get these phone calls from Cas as well. Neither brother seemed inclined to actually learn where things were in their own home. 

“No point. It’s faster to call you since you’re the one who organized this damn kitchen. You really should just move in. One more: ice cream scooper?” 

“Probably in the sink since I’m betting you used it last night. And you only want me to move in just so I can cook for you all the time.” Dean accused, Gabriel often joked about replacing Cas with Dean mostly after some of Dean’s most notable recipes. 

He could practically hear the eye roll in Gabe’s voice, so reminiscent of his brother’s. “Oh yeah. That’s definitely the reason. Not that you spend half your time here and at least half of our apartment is covered with your things. I’m betting my brother’s stuff makes up most of your place too.” 

He wasn’t wrong, he and Cas did seem to leave their belongings at each other’s more often than not. “So?” Dean asked, wondering if there was a point to the conversation. 

“Wouldn’t it just make sense to combine it all into one place? Less back and forth.” 

It wasn’t like Dean hadn’t ever considered it. He and Cas had wanted to move in together at the start of college but Gabriel’s older brother Michael was going through a nasty divorce and was threatening to live with Gabriel. Not particularly fond of family drama Gabe begged Cas to spare him the pain of living with an overly judgmental has-as-stick-up-his-ass brother. Cas had moved in with Gabe and Benny had reached out to Dean when he heard he was in need of a roommate. Neither he nor Cas had ever really talked much about living together since then, things were fine the way they were. 

“Maybe. But I can’t leave Benny without a roommate and you don’t seem keen on having anyone else move in with you.” 

“Don’t get me wrong. I love living with my baby bro, but I’m more than willing and capable to live on my own if you two finally realize it makes infinitely more sense to live together.” Gabe’s words came out muffled and Dean could only assume it was because he’d shoveled something sweet into it. 

“Are you seriously eating ice cream for breakfast?” Dean knew he wasn’t one to talk with his chocolate chip waffles, but still… waffles were breakfast food. 

“Yeah so? I’m going to make a pizza to wash it down once I figure out how to turn the oven on.” 

Dean cringed at the thought of Gabriel using the oven. “The instructions I left for you are on the fridge. Don’t burn the place down, please. I’m positive I left my good cassettes there and I don’t want to sift through EBay to find them again.” 

“See? You need to just move in.”

“As great as this conversation is, do you need anything else?” Usually this would get Gabe to hang up, he wasn’t one for chatting on the phone, but apparently a few days alone in his apartment were making him chattier. 

"How is Cas? Is he with you?” 

Dean huffed in annoyance, “No, Charlie and Kevin kidnapped him for the day.” 

“Whatever will you do without him?” 

“Oh shut up. I spend time without him all the time.” Dean hoped his glare could be felt through the phone. 

Gabriel let out an undignified snort, “When? And don’t say when you’re in class because that’s when you literally have to be away from him.” 

“I go out!” He sounded like a petulant child, but that’s just the side Gabriel seemed to bring out in him sometimes. 

The other man was downright laughing now. “Riiiight. Well, tell my brother not to get lost or freeze to death. I’ll see you both in a couple of days.” 

“Bye, dick.” Dean hung up the phone without waiting for a response, knowing that Gabriel was likely still laughing at him. 

He did too spend time away from Cas, it just wasn’t _preferred._ And so what? They were best friends for a reason, it was normal to want to spend most of their time together but they were capable of spending time with other people too. 

Dean just wished that today wasn't a day they had to spend apart. Cas had been off the night before and Dean really wanted to be there for his friend. It had hurt that Cas felt he couldn't trust Dean to tell him what was wrong. It had hurt even more to see his best friend so upset and for him to be so helpless to fix it. Maybe if he wouldn't have been distracted by that woman at the bar he might have noticed that Cas was having a rough day. Fuck, he didn't even know why he'd even talked to her in the first place. Probably because he was an idiot who'd been _hit on_ by a dude earlier and needed to prove to the world that he could still get with chicks. Who even did that? If he wouldn't have been such an asshat he could have caught that Cas was upset and saved him from a night of tears.

Why wouldn't Cas tell him what was wrong?

Oh and screw Charlie for stealing him for the day.

So being that Cas wasn’t around and Dean didn’t want to spend the day stuck in the house moping, and he wanted to prove to Gabriel that he too went out and had fun without Cas, Dean decided to tag along with Benny to go skiing. Everyone else in the house had seemed to disband and go their own ways for the day so it was just the two of them. Benny was driving a very distracted Dean through the snowy mountains up towards the lodge. There wasn’t much chatting between the them, never really was actually, and it was nice to have to not fill dead air with idle talk sometimes. 

He’d known Benny since high school when the man had moved to their town from Louisiana, he was a big surly dude who’d looked like he could rip your face off with one fell swoop and no one really wanted much to do with him. When Dean had gotten paired with him for an English project, Dean had thought he’d be in for a hell of a time but instead quickly learned that the big man was nothing more than a giant teddy bear. Benny was welcomed into their group with open arms pretty soon after and he quickly became Dean’s closest friend outside of Cas. 

Dean had been staring out the window for quite awhile absentmindedly thinking about how it’d be nice to live in a place where it snowed during the winter. He thought of how amazing it would be to see actual seasons opposed to the mild shift in temperature his side of California got. He pictured a nice house, a dog, and a few kids running out on Christmas morning and making a snowman together before huddling around a fireplace opening presents. He liked that image a lot but suddenly remembered how cold Cas always seemed to get, even in the dead heat of summer. Quickly that snow-filled fantasy wasn’t as appealing anymore. 

And that thought kind of hit him. He never really made a decision that didn’t take Cas into consideration. Even ones of his future with a family. It’s like a part of him expected Cas to be shacking up in his spare bedroom or something even after Dean settled down. That had to be normal right? Planning for the future with your best friend in mind?

Like when the two of them had decided on schools, Dean knew he wanted to be as close as he could to his best friend and was willing to pick his third or fourth pick school if that’s where Cas had wanted to go. Even his plans for his career, if he ever worked his way up to the FBI like he hoped, he had run it by Cas if he’d be willing to relocate to D.C. if that where Dean’s career path took him. It was just hard for him to imagine a future without Cas being there too and that realization was starting to weigh heavily on his shoulders. Maybe it was a bad thing that he was so dependent on Cas always being around. Dean must have been sending off a hell of a ton of distress signals because Benny finally broke the silence. 

“Where’s your head at chief?”

“Hmm? Oh. Sorry, I’m just thinking about stuff.” He tried to shrug off, not knowing if he wanted to talk about it. 

“Care to share with the class?” 

Dean took a moment to form the right words before he settled on, “Are Cas and I too codependent?” 

There wasn’t even a chuckle from Benny like Dean expected there to be, the other man just answered simply, “I wouldn’t say that. You’re just closer than most.” 

Dean wasn’t really big on talking about anything deeper than the weather with people who weren’t Cas or Sam, but Benny had never once shown him that he judged Dean for anything and that made Dean comfortable enough to open up. “It’s weird though, right?” He asked his roommate. 

Benny just shrugged like he didn’t see a problem, “I think it’s your guys’ normal.” 

“I hear what people say about us though. That we shouldn’t be this close if we’re just friends.” 

“You’ve never cared what people have said about you two before.” And that was part of the problem wasn’t it? Why did he care what people were saying all of a sudden? People had been talking about them since middle school, hell even his mother had the ‘are you and Cas sleeping together’ conversation with him at one point. It just didn’t make sense to him why it was affecting him now. (Except maybe he did know and didn’t want to come to terms with it quite yet). 

“Maybe it's time things change though.” He suggested but the words came out frail. 

“Do you want things to change?” Benny asked seriously, picking up on Dean’s tone. It took Dean a while to answer. He tried to imagine things being different, not having Cas stay over so much, not spending most days with him, not having dinner together. He tried picturing showing up to family or friend events separately or one of them not going at all. He tried to even picture this trip without Cas there and realized all those thoughts made him feel unsettled. Incomplete almost. 

“Not really... Not at all actually.” 

“Then don’t listen to what people are saying.” 

It sounded simple coming from Benny’s mouth but Dean didn’t feel completely at ease yet. “Gabe said something this morning too.” When Benny acknowledged Dean with a curious look, Dean continued, “Do you think it’s stupid that Cas and I aren’t living together?” 

This forced a small laugh out of Benny’s throat. “I mean you practically do already, it just don’t say that on your drivers licenses.” 

“But in all seriousness, would it be a good idea?” 

“Why wouldn’t it be?” 

Dean turned back toward the window and shrugged, “I don’t know man. It’d leave you without a roommate. Plus trying to find an apartment as nice as ours for the price and location wouldn’t be easy. And Cas doesn’t have to pay rent with Gabe right now but I can’t afford to pay for both us so really—“ 

“I’m gonna stop you right there brother. Those sound a hell of a lot like excuses for something you haven’t even brought up to him yet. And I’m not all right with me being one of those excuses. You know you wont have to worry about me needing a roommate, I’ll hopefully have a replacement for you if everything goes well tonight.” 

Dean looked back over at the other man and smiled knowingly, “You’re asking her tonight?” 

He was nodding his head with a slight nervous air about him, “I don’t think I can wait any longer.” 

“She’s gonna say yes.” Dean assured. It was the real reason they had all come out, Benny wanting to have a big group around him to celebrate this step in his and Andrea’s life together. 

“I hope so.” Benny said with a grin. He looked transfixed for a moment, clearly thinking about his girl. After a beat he shook the fog out of his brain and glanced at Dean, “But we’re talking about you right now. Do you want to live with him?” 

“It does make more sense if we live together.” 

Benny seemed to pick up on the slight hesitation in Dean’s voice. “But?”

“But what if it… messes everything up?” 

“Messes what up exactly?” 

And that’s where Dean slammed the door shut on his emotional outpouring for the day. “I don’t know.” He lied. 

“Run it by him and see what he thinks.” Benny suggested, the other man seemed to be able to tell that Dean was holding something back but he didn’t push. He leaned over and flipped through the radio stations until he found something he liked, leaving Dean to think. 

Would it mess things up between him and Cas? Initial instinct told him that it would have to be something catastrophic to mess things up between them. But then again, living together could turn out that way. Would they need two rooms? They already only ever stayed in one bed so why would they need two rooms? But would having only one room make things weird? How would friends or family see it if they ever came over and realize they only had one room, one bed, but weren’t a couple? And what if they wanted to bring someone else home… 

He stopped himself right there feeling something akin to sickness at the thought of someone else being brought back to their fictitious home. In their fictitious shared bed... 

He could already picture it though, how much simpler things would be if they did just move in together. No more running back and forth between each other’s houses to find missing articles of clothing. No more double shopping trips to make sure both pantries and refrigerators were filled to Dean’s liking. No more accidentally crawling into a bed that didn’t have the other in it and having to leave to drive to the other apartment just to get some sleep. The picture in his mind lit something up inside of him.

“I think I’ll talk to him.” Dean said almost to himself, a soft smile forcing its way onto his lips. 

His day with Benny was actually really good. He was starting to kind of not suck at skiing. He wouldn’t go as far as to say he was good at it, but he was good enough that he didn’t die when Benny talked him into some more intermediate slopes. They didn’t stay too long (which Dean was eternally grateful for because there was less chance of him eating shit if they left early) as Benny wanted to get back in time to get ready for his big night. The house was still pretty quiet when they got back meaning that most of the others still hadn’t come home from wherever they’d wandered off to. Dean immediately began searching around the house for Cas, finding him holed up in a master bedroom with Charlie, Kevin, Jo, and Garth’s three friends Ed, Harry, and Corbett. It looked like they were playing Dungeons and Dragons and Dean knew it was unwise to interrupt… Knew Charlie didn’t take kind to people interrupting her games, but he did it anyway. 

“Can I have Cas back yet?” Dean asked the group from the doorway, more specifically to Charlie. She didn’t even glace in his direction when she answered back with an annoyed, “Nope.” 

“What? You guys have been together all day.” Dean tried to argue. 

He was met with an icy glare from across the room, meaning that he interrupted and a very inopportune time. “And you two have been together for a hundred years. You can spare one day.” 

“What am I suppose to do?” Dean whined. 

“Go find Garth?” She sassed, turning her back to him again. 

“But—“ 

“Cas is mine until sundown. Deal with it.” 

“Cas?” Dean asked his best friend exasperatedly, even thought it was a futile attempt. 

Cas threw up his hands in surrender when Charlie looked at him with her killer eyes. “You heard her, you can have me at sundown.” He said, sending an apologetic look Dean’s way. 

“Fine!” Dean scoffed and closed the door behind him. He found Garth and Pamela watching a movie in the theater and decided to join in until it was over then volunteered himself to help get ready for the engagement celebration they knew they were going to have that night. 

Everyone started getting back to the house around sunset, after Benny and Andrea had left for the evening so she wouldn’t suspect anything. That’s when it was go time on getting the house set up. To Dean’s shock, Garth was surprisingly a great party planner. He’d rounded up a few decorations from god knows where but mostly ordered Pamela to pick up a lot of booze and Dean to get some snacks ready. 

Benny had picked the nicest restaurant in town and the rest of them weren’t expecting the couple back for a few hours, enough time for a couple of drinks and for Dean to get dinner ready for everyone not getting engaged. 

A few hours later, after everyone had devoured the barbeque chicken Dean had whipped up, Benny had texted that they were on their way back. Everyone crowded into the living room to wait for them to get home. 

The front door opened and neither Andrea nor Benny said anything or gave off any signal that their night went poorly or well. 

“Well?” Dean asked impatiently. 

Andrea’s face lit up as she showed off the ring, “I said yes!” 

Everyone still erupted into cheers even though they knew there was no way Andrea would have said no. They all made their rounds hugging and congratulating the happy couple. The atmosphere was bright and cheery, and Dean was genuinely happy for the two of them. 

Dean automatically searched the room for Cas, wondering if he was feeling the same level of joy for Benny and Andrea as Dean was. He found him standing a little to the side watching everyone with a content smile on his face. And maybe Dean was a little tipsy but he couldn’t deny that those small smiles always made him feel something fluttery. Before he knew it he walked up to his best friend and pulled him into a little hug. 

“What’s this for?” Cas asked but hugged back nonetheless. 

“I missed you today.” Dean answered honestly. 

“Did you?” 

Dean nodded against his shoulder. “I barely got to see you.” 

“I was still around.” 

“Not the same.” Dean gave a little squeeze before pulling out of the hug and looking at Cas with a smile. “Besides, I wanted to talk to you about something.” 

“Yeah?” 

“I was starting to think that maybe you and I—“ 

They were interrupted by Garth loudly proclaiming, “Shots! Let’s go! Cas, Dean, get in the kitchen!” 

“Remind me to bring it up later.” Dean said to his best friend before pulling him toward the kitchen for the first round. 

Apparently one shot wasn’t enough because before they knew it they were all three shots down and a couple mixed drinks in all sprawled out on the living room couches and floors. 

Dean was half convinced that Charlie had packed one suitcase dedicated only to board games because she had more options that Dean knew existed out in front of them all. Benny and Andrea’s first game pick was Pictionary which was even more of a hot mess than anyone predicted it would be, though everyone soon found out that Jo was a better artist than anyone knew. 

It might have been the drinks talking but Dean was having a really good time. He was sprawled on the couch, arm slung over the back, with Cas leaning a little tipsily against him. Every time something made Cas laugh, Dean felt him lean more into Dean’s side, and that made Dean weirdly happy. He was feeling more like himself, surrounded by his good friends with his best friend by his side, in some goddamned mansion in a winter wonderland. He was feeling good. 

He looked at the cup in his hand and then at Cas’s and realized they were both long overdue for something more to drink. He moved to stand but Cas’s hand gently grabbed his wrist. “Where you going?” 

“To get us more to drink.” 

Cas glanced down at the cup in his lap and seemed to just realize his was empty. “Yeah that’s a very good idea.” 

Dean winked as he walked away. 

He was in the kitchen for barely more than two minutes when his bubble of happiness popped. He looked up from the counter and across the room at Cas to see that Aaron had taken the seat that Dean had left unoccupied. He was whispering something in Cas’s ear that made the other man laugh, causing Dean to tense up. Not exactly clear minded, Dean let his body lead him across the room and right up to his best friend. 

“You mind if I have my seat back?” He asked Aaron with a look of danger in his eyes. 

“Dean!” Cas chimed in, blissfully drunk and smiling at Dean like he hadn’t seen him in hours. 

“We were just talking.” Aaron said not so innocently, trying to turn back to Cas to ignore Dean. Cas wiggled a finger in Aaron’s direction, “He is quite funny.” 

Something inside Dean didn’t like that Cas thought that Aaron was funny nor the way Cas leaned against Aaron when he laughed the same way he’d done with Dean. No, Dean didn’t like that one bit and that feeling led him to squeezing himself in the small sliver of space between the two men, putting a not at all possessive arm around Cas’s waist. It was because he didn’t like that Aaron guy and didn’t want him trying to put the moves on Cas, he was just protecting his best friend. That’s all. 

“Excuse you?” Aaron barked trying to pry himself away from Dean. 

“I did ask for my seat back.” Dean said with a shrug. He pointedly ignored the nearly ten pairs of eyes looking their way. 

“Is this for me?” Cas asked pulling a drink from Dean’s hand and gulping it down immediately. 

“It is.” 

“You’re the best.” There was a carefree aura about Cas that had him shifting himself on the couch so his back was halfway pressed against Dean’s chest. Dean didn’t mind in the slightest. It meant Aaron would stay far away from his best friend. 

Hours flew by and their handles of liquor were nearing the bottoms when they all found themselves playing drunk Jenga. Silly dares, probably an illegal amount of of shots, and stupid truths were filling the air. A few people, Cas included had switched to water a while ago but no one was anywhere near sober. 

“Ask the person to your right one truth.” Victor read from his block. He looked over to his right and saw none other than Castiel next to him and let out an amused laugh. “Castiel, if you could date anyone in this room, who would it be?” 

Cas looked around the room like it was a challenging decision before his eyes settled and he said in a deadpan tone, “Garth.” 

“You’re such a liar!” Jo said through some high-pitched giggles, followed by a few hiccups. 

Cas tried to respond seriously, “What? Garth seems like he’d be an excellent partner.” 

“Castiel, the whole point of truth is to actually tell the truth.” Victor tried to reason. 

Cas had a look in his eye like he was worried about something but tried to stick to his guns, “Like I said Garth is—“ 

“The truth!” Victor said louder than necessary. 

“Dean. I’d want to date Dean.” Cas responded immediately. He gave a deadly glare in Victor’s direction. 

The man was laughing when he asked, “Was that so hard?” 

“I’m going to get another drink.” Cas said before standing up and practically running to the kitchen. 

“What the hell was that for?” Dean asked in an angry hushed tone, he might have been drunk but he could still tell Vic was trying to be a dick. 

“What? It’s just a game.” Vic said with a shrug. 

Dean was about to get up and follow after his best friend but met Cas’s eyes from across the room and knew the blue-eyed man wanted a moment alone. Dean shifted over so that Cas could sit on the other side of him, away from Victor when he came back. A water glass was placed in his hand when Cas came back and Dean knew that he was effectively cut off from any more drinks that night. Though that was a wise choice on Cas’s half because Dean was at that slurring speech, the ground is spinning kind of state. He was drunk enough too that that he didn’t see a problem when he leaned over and whispered in Cas’s ear, “Out of everyone in this room, I’d want to date you too.” 

He felt proud of himself when he saw his best friend’s smile wash over his features again, returning to his prior state of contentedness. 

The game went on with some more ridiculous shenanigans. Dean had to strip down to just his boxers. Cas had to kiss Benny. Jo and Ed had to sing a god-awful duet of Don’t Stop Believing. To say that everyone was drunk would be an understatement. Sloppy would be a better term for their state. Dean doesn’t remember who, but someone eventually declared that it was time for everyone to go to bed. Like obedient children the group dismantled and all stumbled back to their sleeping quarters. Cas must have been sober-ish because he was attempting to clear up the living room before heading to bed. Knowing it could wait until morning Dean tried to pull Cas to his feet but lost balance, effectively landing on his best friend with a loud thunk. He cringed when he heard Cas’s grunt of pain 

“Sorry.” Dean offered immediately. 

“’sokay.” Cas huffed out. Neither man moved to get off their spot on the plush rug, the alcohol and late hour weighing them down.

And Dean was actually pretty comfortable. Despite Cas being stronger and slightly more muscular than Dean there was still a softness about him that Dean snuggled into. 

“Thanks’r bein’ a sof’ place to land.” Dean mumbled into the collar of Cas’s shirt. 

Cas laughed. “Welcome.” 

Dean could feel Cas’s hands trailing patterns up his back, a methodical movement that was quickly pulling Dean under. He never wanted the feeling to stop. “Mmm. I’m gonna sleep right here.” 

“Okay.” Cas whispered into the silent night air. 

Dean was on the brink of sleep when he heard his name, “Dean?” 

“Mm?” He tried to form words but that was the best he could do, the soft trail of fingers on his back never stopping. 

“What’d you wanna talk about earlier?” 

“Oh yeah…” He stopped talking for little while trying to remember hard what he wanted to ask Cas. He had it on his mind but it couldn’t come to his mouth. But it was such a good idea. He was so cozy it was hard to focus but then it came to him albeit a little jumbled in his mind. 

“We should stop stayin’ at eachother’s houses ‘ny more.” 

The hands on his back stopped moving and he immediately missed the feeling. 

“Oh. If that’s what you want.” Cas sounded sad and Dean didn’t like that. Maybe Cas didn’t believe Dean wanted to live with him. 

He wanted his best friend to know that he really really wanted it, “I do. I want that. ’s a good idea.” 

“Alright Dean.” Cas replied. 

Dean smiled, knowing he got his point across, and nuzzled against Cas’s neck. He smelled good Dean thought, so he told Cas as much.

“It’s your soap.” His best friend mumbled back. And Dean liked that too. 

“I like when you smell like me.” 

“You need to sleep now, Dean.” He felt Cas shift a little and thought he was going to make Dean move, but suddenly he was underneath something soft and knew Cas had found them a blanket from the couch. 

“Mm’kay. Night ‘andsome.” Dean grumbled before completely passing out. 

* * *

**5 Years ago.  
Dean and Cas, age 15.**

“What’s going on?” 

He had to think about why he was on the floor, but then remembered the sleep over. He blinked his eyes open a few times, trying to adjust to the morning light. Above him an unhappy face looked down at him. It took him another moment to realize it was Balthazar, Cas’s boyfriend. It took him one more moment to realize he was spooning Cas on the floor, with Cas’s boyfriend staring daggers at them. 

Dean felt like he was about to get punched in the face but Cas sat up without any trace of anxiety. “I think I rolled off the couch.” He supplied. 

Dean knew full well that was a lie because he’d been woken up to Cas tugging at his arm and blanket, muttering something about the couch being too small to share. 

Dean looked around the room to see his brother and a few of his brother’s friends sleeping on the floor like little burritos. The night before had been Sammy’s birthday and he’d invited them all over for video games and pizza. Dean and Cas of course had been invited too—but Cas being three months in to his relationship with Balthazar thought it would be okay to invite him along too, much to Dean’s chagrin. 

They were all over each other all night and Dean felt like he barely got to speak with his best friend. It was royally pissing him off. Their whole relationship had been getting under his skin since it all started. It was out of nowhere that Cas was suddenly dating this guy, a year older than both of them, and by far more experienced than anything Dean assumed Cas would go for. But he dealt with it as best as he could for his best friends sake. 

He decided he hated the guy completely the night before. They’d all been lounging on the couch and Dean went to go grab some sheets and blankets to make up his spot on the couch. That prick Balthazar had the audacity to take the sheets out of Dean’s hands and claim the couch for his own. Then to top off Dean’s already miserable night, when Cas had gone to settle down next to Dean on the floor Balthazar had practically purred at Cas to come join him on the couch. 

Dean had practically seethed, ignoring the apologetic look on his best friends face, and turning his back away from the scene on his couch. With his best friend. 

He wanted to break something when he heard the telltale sounds of good night kisses from behind him. 

It was because he hated this guy for Cas. Knew Cas could do infinitely better than that sleaze. But he didn’t think it was his place to step in. 

Whatever reason it was, Cas had still found himself next to Dean that night. And now Dean was feeling the icy glare Balthazar was shooting in his direction. 

“This doesn’t look like you just rolled onto the floor.” He spat out. 

Cas just stood up and shrugged, explaining his and Dean’s predicament like it were the weather. “I know. I get cold though. I tend to just cuddle anything with body warmth at night.” 

“Right. Well I should go.” Balthazar started heading to the door, not even bothering to put on his shoes. 

Cas didn’t seem to catch on that the guy was pissed. “I’ll walk you.” He offered. 

Balthazar looked like was about to say no, but chanced a glance at Dean who must have look irate at the thought that Cas wasn’t just letting the douche walk out. Instead he smiled predatorily at Cas, “Yeah sure, babe, come on.” 

Dean locked himself in his room that day. He knew he was throwing a fit, but he felt like he was losing his best friend to some complete asshole and it killed him. 

He thought he was actually going to throw up when he got a text from Cas saying he’d be sleeping over at Balthazar’s that night. It’s not that he didn’t want Cas being happy or that he didn’t want Cas dating, he just didn’t want him dating someone that was so clearly wrong for him. Dean knew what was best for his best friend, and that guy was definitely not it. 

He felt like he was losing his cool when he heard his mother’s signature knock on his door. 

“Yeah mom?” 

“Hey sweetie.” She stepped into the room and looked around confused. “Is Cas not coming over tonight?” 

“No.” Dean replied, knowing he sounded more upset than he wanted to. 

“Did something happen?” She asked, taking a seat on the edge of his bed. 

“He’s just staying at someone else’s tonight.” 

“Oh. It’s quiet without him.” She noted. 

Dean was staring at his blank TV like it had the answers to all his troubles. “Yeah,” he mumbled miserably. 

“Dean… I know this may be awkward but I guess now is the best time to ask since I have you alone.” 

He sat up a little and gave his mom a curious look, “What's up?"

"Are you and Cas... having sex?"

Dean’s eyes nearly bugged out of his head at the question, a heat was rising up his neck and cheeks. "What? No! God mom!”

"You know you can tell me, I won't be upset I just want you both being safe." Her eyes were soft and nonjudgmental, and if Dean weren’t a fifteen-year-old boy being accused of sleeping with his guy best friend, maybe he would have been more appreciative of her support in whatever decision he made. 

"No! Cas is my best friend. We would never do that! And he has a boyfriend!"

His mom gave him a sweet smile, "Dean, you two sleep over with each other almost every night. And you're always very close when you do. I saw you two this morning and it just made me wonder."

"Mom! You know that's just how we are." Dean felt like he was floundering. Why was this so embarrassing for him? 

"Honey, it's okay if you have feelings for each other. There's nothing wrong with being--"

His hands immediately flew up. "No. Stop. I'm not gay. I swear."

"It's not exactly normal behavior to be cuddling with your male best friend every night. I'm not saying it's wrong, just... people are going to start to wonder if it doesn't mean something more."

"Well it doesn't." He insisted. 

She looked, almost disappointed. "Does Cas know that?"

"Of course he does.” 

“What about his boyfriend?” 

Dean rolled his eyes, wondering why his mother was being so insistent. “He knows Cas and I are just friends.” 

“Okay honey. I’m sorry for bringing it up.” 

“It’s fine! Just weird… like that’s never going to happen. Ever.” 

She patted his leg before standing up. “Alright. Get some sleep. I love you.” 

“Night mom. Love you too.” He replied as she clicked off his light and shut the door. 

Cas showed up the next day as if he hadn’t just ditched Dean for his boyfriend. And Dean tried to play cool, he really did, but he couldn’t help that he felt betrayal deep in his gut. To top it off now even his mom thought that he and Cas were together, and it was all just too much for Dean to handle. 

So while they were working on their homework they’d neglected over the weekend, Dean blurted out, "Hey. Uhm. I think we should try staying at our own places for a while."

Anxiety flared up in Cas’s eyes, "What? Why? Did I do something wrong?"

Dean shook his head. "No. I just—my mom said something that got me thinking."

"What did she say?" Cas’s voice was almost trembling. Dean didn’t understand why his suggestion was causing that to happen. 

"She says people are going to start thinking we're together if we keep sleeping together."

Cas shook his head like he was trying to process the words. "It doesn't make us romantically involved to spend the night at each other's houses."

"But we, we.... cuddle... and people think that guy friends shouldn't do that." Dean didn’t know why he felt the need to stare at his homework instead of look at his best friend. But he refused to make eye contact. 

Cas’s voice sounded upset, "I don't care what people think. I know it doesn't mean that. It's just comfortable to us."

"Maybe we should try to stop though? Just so people don't talk. Plus, you have a boyfriend." It took a lot of effort to make that last part not sound bitter. 

"That shouldn’t matter, he knows we’re just friends. Nothing has to change."

And Dean truly didn’t want anything to change but he couldn’t help but feel that somehow things already had. It made a pang go through is heart to say, “It’s probably for the best.” 

“Oh—Okay. If that’s what you want.” 

The next few days went by like normal only without the boys staying over at each other’s houses. Dean felt like him and Cas were fine, they still did homework together, still hung out after school, still made fun of Sammy together (okay Dean made fun and Cas tried to play mediator), but the way Cas looked, exhausted and irritable, told Dean that neither of them were really doing well without each other. 

No matter the time they spent together during school or after seemed to take away the feeling of something missing that was nestled in his gut. He was unhappy with how things were going and he didn’t care what people thought about it, it’d only been a few days and he knew he wanted things to go back to the way they were. He'd gotten use to always having Cas there. There was nothing wrong with that. It helped him sleep better and it kept Cas's bad dreams away. And it kept him from tossing and turning all night because having someone asleep next to him just made it easier to fall asleep.

Maybe he didn't need to wrap his arms around Cas at night. And maybe their legs didn't need to be so tangled. But Cas had read somewhere that being that close could synchronize their heartbeats and make them calmer at night and therefore it would help them sleep better. It was for scientific reasons that they were a heaped pile of grabby octopus legs and blankets every night.

Dean hated not having Cas around at night. One week of that crap had him feeling like he'd been rammed by a truck. He just needed a good night's sleep. He just needed his best friend back, completely. 

They were in the hallway about to go to one of their few separate classes for the day when Dean stopped Cas to talk. 

"Will you spend the night tonight?" He asked, locking green eyes on blue, pleadingly. 

Cas shook his head sadly, "I don't think that's a good idea. I would rather not sleep on your floor. I know how often you vacuum."

Dean was the one to shake his head now too, he placed his hand on Cas’s lower arm to keep the other boy from walking off, "No! That's not what I meant. I meant will you spend the night like normal with me?"

"But you said—“ 

Dean sighed, "I know what I said. But it was stupid to say it. I don't care what people say about us. They can talk all they want, but we know the truth. You're my best friend and that's all that matters.” He knew he could have left it there, but he needed to let Cas know he was seriously, so lowering his voice to almost a whisper he added, “I miss you."

And maybe it was stupid to say he missed someone that he still saw every day, but Cas seemed to understand the feeling because he smiled sadly when he replied, "I miss you too."

"Will you please come over?" Dean practically begged. 

"Yes."

Dean figured someday in the future they wouldn’t want to be so close anymore and that would be fine and all, but until then, Dean was content to keep things they way they were. He was happier that way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think! I love reading any and all comments. :) 
> 
> I will say that for next chapter it might be a little bit of a one step forward two steps back... but it will all work out eventually.


	6. Chapter 6

Cas woke up to a heavy weight fully on top of him. It took quite a few, definitely hungover moments for him to remember the drinking and falling down the night prior—or a few hours prior judging by the soft light shining through the windows. He was still on the floor with his best friend's dead weight on top of him.

It wasn’t the discomfort of being squished into the hard ground by heavy body that was his best friend that woke him. No, it was the pleasure-filled feeling of said best friend slowly grinding his hardness against Cas’s own paired with the hot pants brushing against his neck where Dean’s face was buried. It wasn't the first time he'd been woken up to the feeling of his best friend panting against him, rubbing his erection on any piece of Cas that his sleep-induced mind could reach. And damn if it didn't stir something molten hot in Cas's groin each and every time, making it an immediate necessity to run to the shower and stroke himself to completion.

Cas _knew_ he should wake Dean up, but the ache of desire deep in his belly had his mind and body at a disconnect. It was nearly automatic to wrap his arms, which were already encircled around the figure on top of him, just a little tighter. It was inevitable that his back arched ever so slightly into the movement that was sending small waves of pleasure down to his toes. It was unstoppable the shallow thrusts he supplied as Dean continued moving unknowingly in his sleep. 

Settled deep in his mind he heard his better judgment screaming at him to stop, to not let it go any further... but he was already so close. Who knew how long this had been happening before he even woke up. His body’s responses were telling him long enough; he already felt his toes curling. In his sleep, Dean let out a sleepy but pleasured moan, tearing what fragile hold Cas had on his sanity apart—involuntarily pulling a whimper of Dean’s name from Cas’s mouth as he suddenly shattered to pieces. 

A mistake. 

Such a huge fucking mistake. 

Dean was suddenly awake and staring down at Cas who, for all intents and purposes, felt completely mortified with what he’d just done. Castiel gaped like a fish up at his friend who was hovering, forearms planted on either side of Cas’s head, eyes darting back and forth across Cas’s face like he was trying piece together what just happened. Cas knew that Dean could see the flush on his cheeks, and by the uncomfortable squirming Cas was doing, there was no doubt Dean had pieced together all the details. 

Before Dean could even so much as cast a look of disgust in Cas’s direction, a voice from above was heard ripping the boys' attention to the speaker. 

“Well that looked _cozy._ ” Victor amused over his bowl of cereal. He was sitting across the room, with the coffee table halfway obstructing his view of Cas and Dean but Castiel was certain he’d had a line of vision enough to fairly asses what he’d just seen. 

Dean flung himself off and away from Cas, grabbing the blanket to wrap around his waist as he stood. “No. God. What the hell? That was definitely not what it looked like.” His cheeks were beet red and his breath was erratic. 

“No? I’d say that was quite the wakeup call you got there.” Victor supplied cheerfully, eying the state both Cas and Dean were in. 

“God no.” Dean scoffed. Actually scoffed. Followed by babbling, “No. No. That was _not_ what it looked like. No. I was asleep. I’d never actually… No!” 

Cas felt the weight of his stupid half-awake choice kick him squarely in the gut. 

There he was sitting on the floor of some mansion in Colorado after he’d been invited merely out of his association with Dean, sitting in his jeans from the night prior that were now filled with his own come, as his best friend stood, babbling away, in abject horror because Castiel couldn’t resist that early morning temptation. And now his best friend had been humiliated in front of one of his friends because Cas had been such a fucking idiot to think that getting off to his _very asleep_ best friend was a good fucking idea? What a pathetic human he was. In a mater of milliseconds Cas flung himself to his feet and actually sprinted down the hallway towards their room. The door shut with a satisfying slam and he quickly locked it behind him. He’d barely sunken to the ground when his breathing became harsh. He felt a stinging behind his eyes that he knew wasn’t from sadness but from humiliation. It’d have been one thing if it’d just been him and Dean safe in a bed… Cas would have been embarrassed, but Dean would have let it slide. It’s not like something like that hadn’t happened before between them. But Victor—Victor of all people having witnessed Cas’s brief moment of illogical decision making made this situation infinitely worse. The horror in Dean’s expression was something Cas didn’t think he’d ever wash from his mind. 

He wasn’t crying but tears were still lining his vision and his breathing wasn’t coming easily. He felt paralyzed to his spot on the ground though he new he needed to shower. His pants were starting to feel uncomfortable. How long had it already been? Maybe fifteen minutes. He told himself he’d allow just a few more moments of panicking before he got up.

There was a knock high above his head. “Cas?” 

Dean’s voice sounded gentle. Always sounded gentle when Cas was upset but Cas didn’t deserve gentle. He deserved Dean to be rightfully furious with him. Dean had to have figured out that Cas wasn’t asleep… that what had happened wasn’t exactly an accident. He ignored his best friend’s voice and tried to focus on getting his breathing under control. He sniffled a little, and that’s when Dean spoke again, lower now, like he heard Cas through the door and was speaking at his level. 

“Cas? Open up. Let’s talk about this.” He paused for a beat. “I’m not—I’m not sure what happened, but I know you’re upset or embarrassed. I just want to talk.” 

Cas was sure the tears in his eyes were going to bubble over. How had he been so stupid? How did he think grinding against his best friend while he was sleeping was going to turn out? He couldn’t face Dean yet. Not until he figured out an apology. There was a small thunk on the door and Cas figured Dean had hit his forehead out of exasperation. Dean sighed, “Okay, we don’t need to talk, but can I at least grab a change of clothes?” 

Cas knew he had no right to deny Dean entrance into the room and his belongings, so he felt he had no choice in the matter other than standing up and unclicking the lock. He turned the handle just enough that the door opened slightly and then he ran straight into the bathroom to hide. He couldn’t exactly hear Dean moving around in the other room. Didn’t know if he was actually grabbing his things or if he was just hovering awkwardly by the bathroom door. Knowing Dean it was more likely that he was doing the latter. 

Cas was tense just waiting to hear Dean’s voice through the door again. He knew he couldn’t avoid talking about what had happened forever but he couldn’t do it then. The embarrassment was too fresh. He figured Dean was expecting him to come out of the bathroom at some point because it did not take ten minutes to grab a change of clothes. Either way, Cas stayed put not willing to come out until he knew for certain that Dean had left. Eventually Dean must have given up on waiting. He knocked on the bathroom door. 

“Look, buddy, I just want to talk but I’m not going to push it. I’m going to try and hang with Jo all day and stay out of your hair. Don’t stay holed up in here all day, you still gotta eat at some point.” Cas knew he was waiting for a response but he didn’t provide one. “If you want to talk, just come find me. Please.” Dean finally said before leaving. 

Cas waited another few minutes before jumping into the shower. He decided he was going to stay in the room all day until his stomach decided that he had to go out and eat. It was a blessing that he’d only gotten a few hours of sleep because it gave him a way to spend most of the day. Once he was out of the shower he quickly curled up into some pajamas and crawled into the too big, too cold bed. His sleep wasn’t peaceful but it was enough to keep him shut away in the room. 

When he looked at the clock on his phone he’d slept for a little more than seven hours, making it nearly three in the afternoon. He lingered in bed for a little while, wondering just how awkward his confrontation with Dean was going to be. He only felt slightly more at ease when he remembered that Dean said he’d try to make himself scarce until Castiel wanted to talk.

Cas couldn’t deny his rumbling stomach anymore so he threw himself out of bed, deciding he’d just grab some cereal and eat it alone in the room. He silently prayed no one would be in the living room or kitchen to try and speak to him. 

His prayers went unanswered. 

As he walked into the kitchen Victor descended the stairs and headed straight in Cas’s direction. “Cas.” Victor said by way of greeting. 

Cas’s voice was terse as he responded in kind, “Victor.” 

Victor sat down on a barstool opposite Cas and started talking, “Look, I’m sorry for this morning.” It might have been a surprise that Victor was apologizing, but the way that Victor had made fun of what had happened that morning, spurring Dean into a frenzy made Cas relive the whole moment again. He was still upset. He was still embarrassed. When Cas didn’t acknowledge the apology, Victor continued. “I know you think I’m some sort of bad guy but I’m really just trying to help you out.” 

Cas let out a bitter laugh. Who did Victor think he was kidding? “Is that so?” 

“Yes.” 

Castiel stared at the countertop bitterly, trying to employ as much distaste to what Victor had just claimed into his voice. “So you call it helping me out when you tell anyone new to our circle of friends that Dean and I are dating, just to watch us have to explain to yet another person that we are not? It’s ‘helping me out’ when you make me point out my desire to date my best friend in front of our entire circle of friends when it wasn’t already blatantly obvious? You call it ‘helping me out’ when you mock Dean and I in a moment that was already embarrassing for me, causing Dean to freak out further than he would have had you kept your mouth shut? Thank you Victor. I see now that I’ve misjudged you.” 

He picked up his cereal bowl and spoon and made a move to leave when Victor reached across the counter to grab his arm. “Cas come on—“ 

Cas dropped the bowl on the counter, spilling the contents onto the floor. In a moment he rounded on the other man, fury behind his eyes. It was a culmination of the weekend’s events, the way Cas continuously kept screwing up with Dean—the way Dean kept freaking out over every insignificant look between the two. It made Cas explode. His voice was controlled but raising in volume at each word. 

“No you come on! I’ve been nothing but courteous to you since I’ve met you, yet for years you’ve seemed to have it out for me. All the subtle hints you try and make about Dean and I being together. Each and every time you make a snide remark about my ‘pining’ or ‘longing glares.’ I don’t know what I did to make you dislike me so much but I will do anything for you to just stop.” 

“I am not out to get you. As I said, I am just—“ 

“Trying to help. Yeah, I heard you. How? How exactly are you trying to help?” 

Victor rolled his eyes like the answer was obvious. “Everyone else just tip toes around it. I on the other hand think you and Dean need a swift kick in the ass. Tough love if you will.” 

“We don’t need any form of ‘love’ from you. Just leave it be Victor. I don’t appreciate the help!” Cas yelled. 

This seemed to piss Victor off, he stood up and slammed a hand on the countertop with a resonating thud. “Fine! If you want to continue to walk around with that pitiful doe eyed look all the time, like Dean hung the moon, be my guest. It’s sad how wrapped around his finger he has you. You can’t even see just how lost you are, always following him around, always hanging onto every damn word he says. It’s almost pathetic—no it _is_ pathetic Castiel. And it’s not just you though it’s—“ 

Victor’s words were interrupted by an angry voice from the stairs. “Is there a fucking problem here?” 

“Dean,” Cas sighed. He must have heard Cas yelling and came running to help. Usually it would have made Cas feel more at ease but now he was just more on edge. 

“There’s no problem here.” Victor spoke coolly. 

“No? So I didn’t just hear you calling him pathetic?” There was a trace of venom in Dean’s voice. 

Cas tried to pacify him, stepping in between the two men. “This is a conversation between myself and Victor, Dean.” 

Dean pushed passed Cas to get closer to Victor but not close enough to warrant a fight. “No, screw that. Vic what the hell is going on?” 

“We’re just talking.” His voice was almost bored as he responded to Dean. 

Dean’s eyes glowered as he looked back to Cas. “Cas, what else did he say to you?” 

Maybe Victor’s words had been pissing Cas off and perhaps he was still mad at the man but Cas didn’t want Dean constantly trying to defend him. Cas knew he could handle himself. “It’s none of your concern.” He tried to reason, but it came off more like pettiness. 

Dean only grew angrier. “Bullshit!” 

“He’s a big boy Dean he can speak for himself.” Victor spat out behind Dean’s back. 

In a moment there was an angry finger in Victor’s face. “You need to back off.” 

“You need to stop acting like some big hotshot. Your boyfriend is fine.” 

“Watch yourself.” Dean practically growled. He was in fighting mode, and Victor seemed to rise to the occasion. 

“Or what?” The other man challenged. 

“Cas, can I talk to Vic alone?” 

Cas sighed; he could see that the others in the house were lingering in the shadows, attempting to watch the showdown happening in the kitchen. Not wanting it to go any further Cas tried to calm his voice and step back in between the two angry men. “No, Dean. He and I were speaking, you should just go.” A moment later he added, “please.” 

Dean shook his head, he was assessing Cas as if he were crazy. “Like hell. I heard how he was talking to you.” 

He tried to breath through his nose calmingly before responding to Dean, “I am fully capable of handling myself.” 

“Your boyfriend has a point.” Cas grumbled under his breath. Of course Victor went there again. Of course he had to push the one button Dean seemed to respond to the most violently. 

“Stop fucking calling him that!” Dean shouted. 

“What? Your boyfriend?” There was an amused smirk on Victor’s face, like he assumed he had just gotten the upper hand. 

Dean’s hands were in angry knots by his sides. “You know that’s not how it is. Why do you always insist on pulling shit like this?” 

“I’m just stating what I observe.” Victor started to walk off, thinking he’d just gotten the last word but Dean gripped his arm violently. 

“The fuck is that suppose to mean?” 

Victor shrugged off the grip and got close, spitting the words right into the green-eyed man’s face. “It’s ridiculous, this game the both of you keep playing. It’d make everyone less insane if you’d just admit to this thing between you and Cas.” 

“Got damnit Victor stop!” Dean swiped the closest thing to him off the counter, which happened to be the dropped cereal bowl from earlier. It went flying across the room, shattering against the wall. “There is nothing going on between me and Cas. Nothing. And there never will be. It’s not like that, has never been like that, and will never be like that. He is my best friend. My _FRIEND._ Or do I need to spell that word out for you to get it through your thick fucking skull? That is all we are _ever_ going to be so quit with your fucking games!"

Victor didn’t respond just turned directly to Cas, ignoring Dean completely. His voice was collected though there was a trace of barely restrained fury beneath. “I’m sorry Castiel. Despite what you may believe I have just wanted to help. My goal was never to hurt you but I see that I’ve manage to do that indirectly and I sincerely apologize.” 

Cas merely nodded, unable to form words, he felt like he was in shock from what he’d just witnessed. What he'd just heard. Victor walked closer to Cas and lowered his voice so that only Cas could hear. “You can have better than this Cas. You’re a good guy. A great one actually.” 

The words resonated with Cas. Maybe he could do better than feeling something for a man who practically just yelled for the whole household to hear just how not interested in Cas he was. _It’s not like that, has never been like that, and will never be like that._ He felt a suffocating grip wrap around his airway while a sharp sting tore through his chest. He blankly stared through the ground wondering if it could obliterate him and make him disappear for good. He wasn’t even aware that tears were now unabashedly running down his face until he was forced to blink. 

“Cas?” Again with the tender, caretaking voice—quite the contrast to the full-fledged fury from a moment ago. Cas actually flinched when Dean’s hand made contact with his arm. 

In a matter of seconds he was pulled down into a hug, as an angry voice yelled over his shoulder, “You need to back the fuck off Dean Winchester.” 

“Charlie, I didn’t—“ He heard his best friend’s worry but his own pain was too much to care. 

“No! Go. Now!!” Charlie spat out. 

“Please. Let me talk to him. Cas—I’m sorry.” 

“I said get lost Dean! You’ve already caused enough damage. If you come anywhere near him I will make your life a living hell.” Charlie’s hands were suddenly cradling Cas;s face, she looked at him with such tenderness as she spoke it made him ache even further. “Cas, come with me. Okay honey? Let’s go upstairs.” 

“Cas please, talk to me.” Dean pleaded. It sounded watery, but Cas didn’t have the energy to turn back. He kept his back to his best friend as he was lead up the stairs and into a master bedroom. 

“What happened?” Were the first words Charlie spoke as she settled him down on the loveseat near the window of the room. 

Cas shook his head willing away the complete meltdown he felt brewing under the surface. “I don’t know where to begin.” 

“I mean we can start with what the hell happened down there. But you’ve seemed off all weekend. It’s why I kidnapped you yesterday, I thought you could use a break. Why don’t we start from the beginning? Did something happen?” 

He nodded as he tried to form coherent sentences for everything he’d been going through the past few days. He told her everything, blubbering through his words. The tickling, the near kissing, the instructor Dean turned down at the slopes, the woman at the bar... all of it. He made sure to mention the way Dean always had his fingers in Cas’s hair; how Dean had told Cas he should marry him; that Dean had whispered to him the night before that he’d date Cas out of everyone there. He spared no detail, didn’t even leave out the part where’d he’d let himself get off to Dean moving on top of him that very morning. He felt a little like an exposed nerve once all of it was out in the open. 

Charlie pulled him into a hug. “I’m so sorry dude. I’ve always shipped it but I guess I just thought that Dean would have to come around to it eventually.” 

“There’s nothing to come around to. He doesn’t feel anything for me. He never will. You heard him.” Cas uttered meekly. 

“I don’t believe him. There’s something there.” 

A bitter smile crossed his lips. He was glad that Charlie was trying to reassure him but he knew her words were baseless, “You’re mistaken.” 

“Look. I hate pulling out the smart card but you know I’m practically a genius right? Granted, it really doesn’t take someone with my level of brainpower to see the way Dean looks at you is not at all platonic. Now being the genius that I am, I know that he feels something because of the way he talks about you too like you’re freaking sunshine embodied. He just has to realize it for himself.” 

She sounded so sure of herself, but Cas couldn’t allow her words to give him any hope. He’d spent too much of his life having hope that Dean could see him as something more than a buddy. “I appreciate what you’re trying to do here Charlie. But it’s not helping. I just need to distance myself from him until I can get a hold on the way I feel.” 

“How? You spend all your time with him.” 

Thinking about how he’d distance himself from Dean was more pain that Cas wished to bare at the moment. His and Dean’s lives were so entwined that he didn’t see a way to really get distance from the other man without a complete shut out. “Well for starters, I definitely shouldn’t be sleeping next to him anymore. Can I stay with you tonight?”

Charlie looked at him with exasperation, “Duh. This is Kevin’s room, I’m actually in the game room but I doubt you want to be down there right now. How about we play something until bedtime?” 

“Sounds good. And thank you, for being there for me.” 

“It’s what friends are for.” 

They stayed up there for a while, not coming down except when Cas remembered he hadn’t eaten. Even then Charlie shut him away in the room to keep him from accidently bumping into Dean. After a while Kevin came upstairs to join them and recounted the events that he’d seen after Charlie had escorted Cas away. Apparently Dean wasn’t looking so hot, especially after Jo reamed him for the things he’d said. 

It didn’t actually make Cas feel better. 

The night died down and Cas felt sufficiently kept away from any more drama for the night. When it was officially dark out and Charlie was yawning they bid Kevin a good night and walked down to Charlie’s little nest in the game room. 

There were two couches nestled in the corner so Cas commandeered one of them for the night. Charlie made sure to get him a few pillows and a blanket before she conked out almost immediately. Cas tried to watch a movie but just couldn’t get into it, so eventually he resolved to trying to find sleep, knowing it would likely evade him. 

The couch was comfortable, but it wasn’t as comforting as falling asleep next to Dean. Deep down he knew nothing ever would be, but damnit he was going to try. He tried to wrap the blanket around himself tightly. Tried to put the pillows behind his back so it'd feel a little bit more like another human… but it didn’t help. Nothing was going to help. He tossed and turned for a few hours, wondering if he was ever going to fall asleep, wondering if he shouldn’t go pull out the treadmill he’d seen locked away in the theatre closet—maybe that’d wear him out. 

Eventually, he found himself on the brink where he wasn’t quite sure if he was dreaming or actually sleeping yet. All of a sudden he was pulled awake as strong, warm arms encircled him. He knew just by the way those arms seemed to fit around him just right that it was Dean. 

“Dean? What are you doing?” Cas whispered into the night. His heart was already starting to pick up speed because he was not expecting a midnight confrontation. 

“Trying to sleep.” Dean whispered back, tightening his grip around Cas’s waist. 

Cas’s heart started to ache again. Why did Dean have to do this? “Why are you on the couch with me?” 

“Because you weren’t in bed.” He replied simply. 

Cas wriggled out of the embrace and sat up, moving himself as far away from Dean as possible. He was still trying to whisper in order to not wake Charlie. “I wasn’t in bed for a reason. I need space.” He tried to reason. 

Dean looked at him with sorrow in his eyes, “Even to sleep? Cas why? We’ve been sleeping like this since we’ve known each other. I don’t even know how to sleep without you.” 

Tears were threatening to spill from Cas’s eyes. He didn’t need this right now. He looked up to the ceiling and tried to blink them away. “You’ve done it plenty of times before. Please go back to bed.” Cas stood up then and gestured in the vague direction of the rooms. 

Dean shook his head stubbornly. “No.” 

“Then you can stay on the couch.” Cas grabbed the only blanket on the couch out of spite and started making his way across the vast living room. If Dean wanted to sleep on the couch then fine, Cas would get the bed. 

He heard the pitter patter of Dean’s feet scrambling after him. “Damnit, Cas please stop shutting me out. Talk to me.” 

Cas turned around angrily but made sure to not let his voice raise too much, “I don’t want to talk!” 

“Why?” Dean pleaded. 

Cas waved the blanket around as he stumbled over his words. He was not going to let himself cry. “Because I’m embarrassed and I'm hurting from the things you’ve said today! So if you could please just leave me alone.”

Dean was on him in a second, cupping his face tenderly and forcing Cas to look him in the eye. “Cas, I didn't mean to hurt you. I swear.”

Cas put his hands to Dean’s chest and pushed, not too hard but enough that it ceased the contact between the two. “No. You never mean to Dean. Yet you keep doing it, over and over it keeps happening. You say things like if you’d date me over everyone here, if you liked guys I’d be your choice, that you should marry me, that no one is better than me. Yet you jump at any woman who so much as glances at you, not stopping to think that maybe your actions affect me. That they _hurt_ me!” 

His bottom lip was trembling and it was getting harder to get the words out but he’d already opened the gate to his pain, it was best to just let all the demons out. 

“God, you hold me every single night, Dean, like I'm important to you or something. You take care of me all the time. I spend nearly every minute of every day with you and you’re completely oblivious to the fact that you keep hurting me. It hurts me when anyone even implies that you're interested in me how you freak out making sure everyone knows how _straight_ you are. Like it'd be the worst thing in the world for you to ever have feelings for me. It hurts Dean! It hurts knowing the most important person in my life is so appalled by the thought of having feelings for me!”

For Cas’s words being spoken at only a whisper, they left a gaping chasm in their wake. Dean said nothing for a long period of time, before he settled on, “I'm not appalled.”

“You are! You think caring for me as more than a friend is the worst thing you could do.”

“That's not true Castiel and you know it.” Dean’s face was serious, his words didn’t sound like a lie but Cas knew better. 

He couldn’t keep his voice down any longer, “Then tell me why you get so upset! Tell me why you run off to the closest female you can find when someone implies you might like a guy, let alone me? Tell me why you’re so vocal in telling others how deterred by ‘dick’ you really are. Tell me why it seems like having any sort of feeling for me terrifies you into shutting me out for whole days. Tell me why Dean!” 

“Because it does terrify me!” Dean began pacing around the living room now, wringing his fingers through his hair. “Everyone else seems to see things about me that I don’t yet. They seem to have such a firm grasp on how I feel and who I am when I have no idea myself. I don’t always know why I do the things I do. I don’t know why I keep reacting the way I do. I’m not scared of liking dudes or something; that’s not my issue—I just hate when people tell me that I do when I haven’t figured that out for myself. I don’t know if it’s who I am or not.” 

He wasn’t answering the one question Cas needed him to answer, so he rephrased it. “Why do you get so upset when people think there is something more between us Dean?” 

The question brought Dean to a stop in the middle of the room. It looked like it pained Dean to answer. He opened his mouth to speak a few times but couldn’t seem to find the right words. Eventually he began. “You’re my best friend. You’re the single most important person in my life outside of my family. Hell, sometimes I think you are the most important in my life. But a relationship? Between us? I’d screw that up in ten seconds flat. You’d run for the hills and I’d probably lose you forever. I already hurt you enough as it is and we’re not even together.” 

Cas couldn’t figure out if that was an admission of something or just a round about way of telling Cas that they were ‘just friends.’ He settled on the one thing he did understand. “You think you’d lose me?” 

“I know I would.” Dean responded back weakly. 

Cas crossed the room and stood toe to toe with the taller man, “How long have I stuck by your side Dean?” 

“Cas—“ Dean was trying to deflect but Cas wasn’t going to allow that. 

“How long?” 

“Forever.” Dean responded. His face was scrunched up in pain and Cas didn’t like that. 

“Forever.” He echoed as he gently placed his hand on the side of Dean’s face. “Why do you think that would change if we became something more?” 

There was something vulnerable in the features of Dean’s face. “Cas—“ 

“Answer me.” Cas pleaded. 

Dean couldn’t meet his eyes. “I already don’t deserve you as my best friend.” 

“That’s not an answer.” 

There seemed to be battle raging in that beautiful mind of his, and Cas wished he could see exactly what was occurring. Some side of that war must have won because Dean’s face showed less emotion and he was able to meet Cas’s eyes. He gently removed Cas’s hand and placed it back at his side. “You deserve more than me. More than I could give you. You deserve someone perfect for you who never hurts you, who makes you happy.” 

That didn’t make any sense because Castiel knew there was no one in the world better than Dean. “You don’t think you make me happy?” 

“I don’t deserve someone as good as you.” There was a pained smiled on Dean’s face. It broke something in Cas to see how little Dean thought of himself. 

“You don’t think you deserve to be happy.” It wasn’t a question. 

There was another long pause, and when Dean did speak again it could barely be heard, but the words were loud in Cas’s ears. “Not with you.” 

He couldn’t accept that. If there was one thing he knew to be true was that Dean deserved every ounce of happiness the world could give him. Cas threw his hands up and clutched at Dean’s shoulders, silently begging him to look Cas in the eye. He spoke intently, pouring every ounce of love he could into his words. 

“You deserve stars lain down at your feet, Dean Winchester. And if I had the power to deliver each one I’d spend my entire lifetime doing so.” 

Dean’s eyes screwed shut as he looked to the ceiling and Cas knew his words resonated with the other man. 

“Cas.” Dean murmured in a small, almost scared, voice. 

“Do you want this?” Cas asked, cupping Dean’s face in his palm and pulling him down until their lips were merely centimeters apart. He just needed the go ahead. He needed to know Dean wanted it too. His heart was pounding, waiting for a response, waiting to know that even though Dean didn’t think he deserved it he at least wanted it too. Cas could deal with breaking down whatever self-hatred Dean had festering away later. Right now he just needed to hear the words that the love of his life wanted him in the same way. Hope was bubbling to the surface. He waited. He didn’t move. He didn’t breath. He just waited to hear that he was wanted back. 

He didn’t expect to hear what he did. 

“No,” Dean whispered. There wasn’t a trace of emotion in that single syllable but it still managed to fracture something deep in Cas’s soul. 

Cas doesn’t remember when he was left standing in the middle of the room. All he knew was he was cold, colder than falling snow that was swirling haphazardly outside the cabin. He didn’t imagine he’d ever know warmth again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter turned into a freaking monster and if there are a million mistakes I am so sorry that I couldn't catch them, it's just reading 12,000 words over and over again makes my brain hurt. 
> 
> Note: The rating of this fic has changed from T to M, because of the end of this chapter. It was at all my original plan but it's just what happened.

**1 year ago.  
Dean and Cas, 19 years old.**

**Dean:** I’m about to leave. Don’t fall asleep. You promised we could watch a movie. 

_Cas: No promises._

**Dean:** I’ll be there in fifteen. Don’t make me wake your sorry ass up. 

"Who’re you texting?" There was a kick to his shin on the couch as he heard the words. He looked up to see his girlfriend of just shy of a month looking up at him. 

"Cas." Dean replied speaking more to his phone as he finished his text. He looked up at Lisa again after hitting send on his message only to be greeted with a look of detest. Generally she was a happy chick but something must have bugged her about his answer. 

She scowled, "Why?"

He slid his phone into his pocket and crawled across the couch, bracketing her against the armrest. He tried to lean in for a kiss as he answered her question, "I'm just letting him know what time I'll be over."

It was unusual for her to turn away from a kiss. "You’re going over there? It’s ten at night on a Tuesday.” 

“Yeah, I’m sleeping at his place tonight.” Dean pulled back, realizing she wasn’t in for any ‘no-don’t-leave’ make out sessions. He decided to reach for his shoes instead, preparing to go. 

Lisa looked like she was ready to bubble over in frustration, “Why?” Her arms were crossed. Dean had never seen this annoyed side of her before. He didn’t understand where it was coming from. 

He answered her question honestly, not seeing the point in doing anything but sharing the truth. “Because he’s already at home and it wouldn’t make sense if he left and drove to my place.” 

“So what? You just randomly sleep at each other’s houses during the week? Do you carpool to school some days or something?” 

“No?” Dean stood up to grab his jacket off the back of a dining room chair, shrugging it on as he looked at his girlfriend with confusion. 

“Then why do you even go over there?” She looked like she was ready to start an argument, eyes narrowed in his direction. 

“It’s just what we do.” 

“I don’t get it.” 

“Don’t get what?” He thought he’d done a pretty solid job explaining to her that he and Cas had been best friends practically all their lives. He even had them meet each other after three weeks of dating so Lisa would be able to put a face to a name whenever he told her stories about his best friend—which, frankly, were most of his stories. 

She stood up off the couch, arms still crossed. Dean wanted to tell her how cute she looked when she was grumpy but thought better of it. 

Her voice was laced with annoyance when she asked, “How often do you stay over there during the week?” 

Dean checked that he had his wallet and keys, feeling them in his jacket pocket, as he answered her question. “I don’t really keep track. We switch off whose house we stay at depending on who gets home first.” 

“You make that sound like you stay the night with each other every night.” There was accusation in her voice, as if she already expected the answer. Dean didn’t see the point in lying to her; he wasn’t ashamed of his friendship. 

“When I’m not here or something, yeah.” 

“So you’re saying you sleep at each other’s houses every night? Like not just the weekends when one of you gets too drunk to go home?"

“Yeah?” 

“Where do you sleep?” The conversation started to feel an awful lot like an interrogation, one in which Dean didn’t feel the desire to sit through. He crossed his arms over his chest, mirroring her stance. 

“In bed. Like normal people.” 

“Together?” She raised a challenging eyebrow. Dean knew the truth wasn’t going to make her happy. Could see all the red flags telling him to get the hell out of that situation, but he decided he wasn’t going to lie. He couldn’t be with someone who didn’t accept the way he and Cas were. 

“Yeah.” Dean answered shortly. He watched as shock, confusion, and lastly disgust washed over her features. 

She fumbled over her words. “Are—are you… dating him?” 

“What? No. Obviously not because I’m with you.” 

She threw her hands up in frustration. “Dean you just said you sleep with your _guy_ friend every night.” 

“I don’t see the big deal,” Dean replied chancing a few steps closer to her. Once he was in arms reach Lisa flinched away, moving to stand on the opposite side of the kitchen. 

“You don’t see the big deal? You’re sleeping with a guy! Every. Single. Night!” She slammed a hand on the counter to emphasize her words before fixing Dean with a glare. “In the same bed! A guy who you’ve told me is gay. Oh my god Dean, are you gay?” 

Dean blanched. Had she not been there an hour ago for the sex they’d just had on the couch? His temper was now starting to rise. “What the hell? Of course I’m not!” 

“Then why the hell are you sleeping with your best friend? That’s not normal!” 

He hated that phrase. Hated that fucking phrase more than anything. For years he’d been hearing it, that it wasn’t normal how close he let Cas be to him. That it wasn’t normal that he liked to cuddle with a gay guy. _Dean_ it’s not _normal_ to care so much about your best friend. He was sick of hearing it. It _was_ normal and everyone else were just idiots. 

“It is for us.” He said it as calmly as he could, not wanting the argument to go any further. He was staring down at his feet as he spoke, kept his temper in check better. “Cas and I have been sleeping next to each other since we were six. There’s nothing weird about it. I’m not fucking him if that’s what you’re so freaked out about. It’s just sleeping.” 

“Oh my god.” There was an obvious level of disgust in her voice. He looked up to meet her eyes and saw that it was plainly written on her face as well. “You’re delusional.” 

“Excuse me?” 

"This?” She gestured wildly between the two of them. “This isn't going to work considering you’re already in a goddamn relationship. When you break up with your boyfriend, maybe give me a call."

He stood there for a moment, feeling his blood boil under his skin. He wanted to yell at her. Wanted to make her feel bad about the choice that she’d just made but he couldn’t bring himself to say anything. If she couldn’t accept the role Cas had in his life, then Dean didn’t want the relationship to work out anyway. He could tell by the thinly masked insecurity in her eyes that she wanted him to try and fight for her but the thing was, anyone not okay with Cas in his life was not someone he cared to fight for. He double checked that he had everything he needed before turning towards her front door, he didn’t even glance back as he shut the door behind himself after muttering a flippant, “Bye Lisa.” 

He got back to Cas’s apartment only to find that Cas had indeed not been able to stay awake for a movie. Seeing as his best friend was just too peaceful to wake up, Dean slipped down to his boxers and crawled into bed. Cas reached out for him immediately, though he was still asleep, and it caused all the anger Dean had simmering inside him to fizzle away. 

Dean fell asleep in moments, not a thought of his recent fight with Lisa on his mind. 

He forgot to even miss her.

* * *

**Present Day.**

He stood in the unlit theatre trying to get himself under control. He couldn’t remember how he got to the dark room, all he knew was that one second he was with Cas and the next he’d left his best friend hurting in the darkness. 

He was a shitty person. 

And he felt even shittier. 

The moment the word had come out of his mouth he wanted to take it back. It left him feeling jagged, broken, dishonest. He wanted to run back upstairs, gather Cas in his arms and apologize over and over for being an idiot, for hurting him, for lying to the only person he swore to never lie to. He wanted to grovel until it made his voice hoarse. 

His feet couldn’t move from the spot they were planted.

Coward. That’s what he was. 

All he knew was how to screw things up. There was this darkness in the pit of his stomach telling him he’d irreversibly messed up this time. He wasn’t going to be able to make it right. 

And why? Why did he throw everything good he’d ever had away? 

His best friend, the kindest most understanding person in the entire world, had confessed to having feelings for Dean. And suddenly Dean knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that he felt it too. He’d assumed for a while he was feeling something, realized the moments his heart would skip a beat around Castiel were more frequent than before. Dean understood that he was falling, had already fallen, for the one person he knew would willingly catch him no matter how little he deserved it. Yet, the moment he knew Cas’s feelings were real all Dean could see was the future—the future where Cas walked away, took those words back; where Dean lost him. 

And if there’s one thing Dean knew he couldn’t survive, it was losing his best friend. 

He crumbled onto one of the reclining loveseats, feeling all ounce of energy drain from his body. 

He’d screwed up so bad. He was supposed to protect Cas’s heart, make sure that no one came close to ever breaking it. He was supposed to make sure Cas always felt safe and cared for... loved. But he himself was the one to hurt Cas and his best friend was never going to forgive him; fuck, he was never going to forgive himself. Dean wanted more than anything to be able to go back in time, the beginning of the trip when he’d started acting like a complete idiot and just fix everything he’d done wrong. 

Hell he’d even go back to the previous morning. 

He slammed his head back against the couch, furiously thinking back to the events from the day before. 

Yesterday he’d woken up from a dream, a dream where he’d been with Cas, lying in their bed, in _their_ home… one they’d found together. And he was happy. He remembers that in the dream he’d been able to roll over and just stare at Cas beneath him, looking at those blue eyes so filled with love. In the dream he’d leaned in tantalizingly slow, teasing his best friend as his lips ghosted against the other man’s. It felt good. It felt right. And he felt himself in the dream work up to something more, something he’d always longed to do but forced to stay buried.

He remembers suddenly waking up and finding himself grinding into his best friend, just as he’d done in the dream. It was overwhelming. A moan escaped his lips without his permission but the sensations washing through him felt too amazing to care. It wasn’t until he heard his name on Cas’s lips that he’d realized how selfish he was being. He pulled back to look at his best friend, to apologize for waking up once again thrusting against Castiel’s soft, warm body but he was surprised by the pink hue covering his friend’s cheeks. Cas’s breath was just coming down too, like he’d just—Dean felt himself burn with desire when he’d realized just what it meant when his name found it’s way on Cas’s lips. 

He’d wanted then to tell Cas that it was okay, that he wanted it too. It scared the hell out of him but he wanted it. 

But Victor was there. Victor was there and he saw. 

He saw and he’d said something. 

And Dean freaked. 

God fucking damnit! He _hated_ himself for caring so much but he'd tensed up with panic. He was ready to admit whatever was bubbling inside of him to Cas, and to Cas alone. But to anyone else—he couldn’t… he wasn’t ready for that. 

He was a goddamned idiot. 

The look of pain he saw on Cas’s face right before he ran off was enough to tell Dean that he’d messed up. He’d gone and sputtered some half-cocked bullshit to Victor before hurrying off after Cas. He stood there at the door for an embarrassingly long time trying to figure out what to say. Dean worked himself up, coming to the decision that he was just going to lay it all out. He was going to tell Cas how terrified he was of everything he was feeling and he was going to beg Cas to be patient with him. Let Dean work it out slowly before jumping in and telling the whole damned world. 

It hurt something deep inside him when Cas wouldn’t answer. 

Maybe that’s why he just kept screwing up the rest of the day. 

If he could have just gotten through to Cas. If he could have just sucked up his nerves and apologized through the closed doors until Cas unlocked them… If he could have just tried harder maybe he wouldn’t have found himself in the situation he did, lying on the stiff movie theatre couch feeling empty, broken and alone. 

But he’d been angry at himself, worried about his best friend, stressed that he couldn’t just talk to someone about all the panicky feelings he had going on inside of him. So it all came out in the worst way imaginable. 

Why he yelled at Victor and said what he did, he didn’t know. But he knew he hated himself more immensely than ever before when he saw Cas crying. Hurting Cas was the worst thing he could have done. 

And everyone was pissed at him. He’d never seen Jo so angry, even Benny had let him hear how selfish and thoughtless Dean had been. He didn’t think he could ever make it right. 

And for all his talk of finally confessing to Cas, he’d ran like a little bitch with his tail between his legs when things had gotten too intense.

But he was scared and he didn’t know how to fix it. 

It was a black pit of nothingness that he fell into that night. It couldn’t even be called sleep. And just to add insult to injury he’d been startled awake by the heart-stopping sound of an emergency alert message on his phone. He shut the damned thing off before throwing it across the room. 

He didn’t want to get up and face the day. He especially didn’t want to face the pissed-off looks and silent treatments he was going to get when he surfaced. Shit he was almost surprised Charlie hadn’t woken him up with ice water dumped on his head—it wasn’t like he didn’t deserve it. 

He couldn’t tell how long he stayed there, what with his phone being on the other side of the room and all, but after what felt like an hour he hauled himself up and made the journey up the stairs. 

The house was mysteriously quiet. 

He looked down at his phone (after he’d picked it up off the floor) to see that it was nearly nine in the morning, the typical time everyone started waking up around there. Dean quickly grabbed himself something to eat before the others woke up and took it to his and Cas’s room. 

It was immediate that he noticed. All of Cas’s things were gone. Needing to know for certain, Dean dropped the bowl of cereal on the dresser and started ripping all the drawers open. Nothing. Only his things. He looked around the room, expecting to see a pile of Cas’s dirty clothes sitting in a pile on the floor. Nothing. He ran to the bathroom and looked at the counters. All of it was gone. Cas had taken all of his things. 

Cas had left him. 

The wind had been knocked from his lungs. He didn’t think it’d been so bad that Cas would take his things just to get away from him. He needed to find him—Dean needed to find Cas at that moment and beg him to come back. They could work it out. They had to. 

Cas was gone. 

Dean had seen Andrea, Jo, and Garth’s friends still there—none of whom would tell Dean where the hell Cas had gone. Jo wouldn’t even look at Dean. His breathing was shallow and his hands were shaking as he dialed Cas’s number. 

No answer. 

He called Benny straight away, praying that at least he would give him some answers. 

“Hello?” 

Dean was almost hysterical, “Benny! Where is he?” 

He heard a disdainful sigh on the other line, “Brother I don’t know what happened last night, but he asked me to take him to the airport first thing this morning.” 

Fuck! Dean wanted to scream. He’d driven Cas out of the fucking state because he’d been such an idiot. Cas really had left him… He didn’t want to believe it. “No…” He cried. 

There was a long pause on the other end. Dean thought for a moment Benny had just hung up on him. There was another sigh before Benny spoke again. “I managed to talk him out of it so we’re here at the slopes.” He said it like he wasn’t sure if he wanted to let Dean know where Cas was. “I’m going to try and keep him occupied all day but I told him if he still wants to go by dinner time I’ll take him.” 

Mixed feelings overcame Dean. He didn’t want Cas to come back if he truly didn’t want to but shit, if he didn’t get the chance to at least try and talk to him he didn’t know what he was going to do. 

“Benny…” Dean started, it almost sounded like a plea, but he didn’t know how to finish it.

“Look chief, I’m not gonna ask you to tell me what happened, but just so you know whatever happened has him real shook. He looks like shit, Dean. I’ve never seen him like this before and I honestly have half the nerve to take him to the airport like he wants. I don’t know what you did but I’ve tried to buy you time to come up with some way to fix it. I made him keep his stuff back in the garage so we’ll have to come back later. That will be your chance to convince him. If not, I’m helping him out.” 

Dean felt relief; Cas wasn’t able to disappear, yet. “Thank you.” He offered sincerely. 

“Don’t thank me. Just fix whatever it is you did.” 

The first thing he did when he got off the phone was walk to the garage and check that Cas’s stuff was still there. He breathed a sigh of relief when he saw his suitcase indeed sitting there, ready to go. Refusing to believe that he wasn’t going to be successful in getting Cas to stay he hauled the suitcase into his arms and delivered it right back to their bedroom. He didn’t go as far as unpacking it, but the thought did cross his mind. 

By the time he’d flopped onto the bed, he was already dialing the one person he knew could help him fix this mess. 

“Hello honey, how’s your trip going?” Mary’s voice was pleasant and cheerful. He’d have thought it would make him feel better but instead it made him feel the opposite. 

“Mom, I screwed up.” He offered, knowing he couldn’t back out of telling her everything now. 

He could almost picture her walking to the living room and sitting down on the fugly floral couch they’d had since Dean was born. “Dean, what happened?” Worry was present in her voice. 

“Me and Cas— we, we… I just... I—“ He knew his fumbling words were just going to worry her more but he couldn’t help it. 

“Honey, take a breath. Tell me what happened.” 

His mom was going to be so disappointed in him. It took him a moment to work up the nerve to finally say what he’d done. “I—I told Cas I didn’t want him.” 

“What do you mean?” 

“I, I… Uhm he… we. Damnit. Sorry.” Dean buried his face in the pillows. Why couldn’t he even get the damn words out? Why was it so hard to tell his mom this? 

“It’s okay.” She was always so patient. He didn’t deserve a mom as awesome as her. 

He pictured her smile in his mind, and the way she’d always run her fingers through his hair when he wasn’t feeling so well. He wished she could be there with him now, a comfortable presence next to him to help pull his stupidity out of him. The thought of it would have to be enough though. He took a deep breath and let the floodgates open .

“There’s just, there’s just been stuff going on with us this week—and like before this week too, but mostly these past few days. And everyone kept trying to tell us we were together, or that we have feelings for each other. And uh, and Victor really made me mad about it and I—I just freaked. I said shit I didn’t mean. Mom, I hurt Cas so bad.” 

“How?” He knew she was trying to keep any judgment out of her tone until she knew the whole story. 

Dean swallowed his nerves down, he was essentially about to come out to his mom and he didn’t know how to feel about it. “I was trying to talk to him because I’d already made him sad earlier and I was trying to fix it but then—but then he, he asked if I wanted something more. And he was going to kiss me. And he looked so, so happy but I… I, I said no.” 

“Honey, if that’s how you felt, it’s better than you didn’t lie to spare his feelings.” 

He was a fucking asshole and now his mom was going to know. “But I did lie.” Dean whispered to the phone. 

“What?” He wasn’t sure if his mom couldn’t hear him or if she was asking for clarification. He decided to answer for both. 

“I lied. I wanted to say yes. I wanted so badly to say yes but I couldn’t let myself.” 

“Why not?” 

“I’d just hurt him.” 

“Sweetheart,” Dean screwed his eyes shut he didn’t deserve her patience. “I know you, and I can’t imagine a world where you’d ever intentionally hurt him. He’s your best friend.” 

And wasn’t that the kicker? Hurting Cas was the last thing he ever wanted to do. “I hurt him now.” He confessed. 

“Why?” 

“I don’t know.” 

“Do you think that maybe everyone has been pushing you to be something more with Cas that you think you have to be? That maybe that’s why you couldn’t say yes?” 

He thought of the possibility, but he knew better. He knew what his gut has been telling him for years. 

“No. I want to be with him, mom, I do. But—but I just… I don’t even like guys! Why am I changing now?”

“I don’t think you’re changing. I think it’s always been there, you’ve just rewritten the way you feel in your mind as friendship, a very deep friendship. Let me ask you, would you ever act the way you do with Cas with Benny instead? Or Garth or Victor?” 

“God no. That’d just be wrong.” 

“But with Cas?” His mom had to have a superpower. The way she knew Dean better than he knew himself was eerie sometimes. 

“It’s different. He’s different.” And Dean knew it was true. Cas had never just been his friend, there was always something more bubbling beneath the surface with them two. It was just, different. 

“Maybe that’s what you should focus on. It doesn’t make you like girls any less or make you a different person. You’re still going to like what you like, you’re still going to obsess over your car and put all your effort into the police academy and eventually the FBI. And you’re probably still going to talk with your mouth full at the dinner table when you want to tell us a story that ‘just can’t wait.’ You’re still going to be Dean Winchester, my strong and kind and loving son.” 

He felt like he could cry, they were the words he needed to hear. Yet, one fear still plagued him. “But Cas wouldn’t be my best friend anymore.” It was the one thing he wouldn’t be able to handle if it went away. 

Mary didn’t seem to see the problem. “Why not?” She asked patiently. “Taking that next step wouldn’t suddenly make your friendship go away, in fact I can only see it making your friendship stronger. Sweetie, you two have such a strong bond, that’s not just going to disappear because you want to be together.” 

“What if it doesn’t work out between us? I don’t know how to be in a relationship, mom. I’d just screw it up with him and he’s too important for that!” He knew he was trying to find faults in her reassurances. But he needed to know for damn sure that being with Cas wouldn’t screw everything up worse than he’d already managed to screw it up. 

“Just because you don’t think you know how to be in one doesn’t mean you’re not going to make it work. Look at how the two of you are already. You make compromises and sacrifices for each other all the time. You never hesitate to put the other first. All you have to do is keep being who you already are and if you really want it enough, you’ll keep fighting for each other.” 

“I don’t know what to do. I hurt him so bad, I don’t think he’ll talk to me.” 

“It might take him a while but he’ll talk to you. You’ve been friends for nearly three fourths of your lives, that’s not something you just walk away from. But you do have to show him that you are truly sorry.” 

His lip wobbled a little as he spoke. “He packed his stuff up. He wanted to go to the airport.” 

“Do you blame him? He’s heartbroken.” 

“I never wanted this to happen.” 

“You’re just going to have to fix it.” Mary asserted. 

“What if he doesn’t forgive me? What if he leaves me forever?” 

He could hear the small smile in his mom’s voice. “That’s not going to happen.” 

“But what if it does?” 

She took a long moment to answer. “Dean, are you sure you want this?” 

“What?” 

“Think long and hard. Is this what you want? To be with Cas?” 

And so he did, think long and hard about it. Hell he’d been thinking about it for longer than he wanted to admit. And no matter what he always came to the same conclusion. “Yes.” He confessed. 

“Then don’t stop until you get him. Tell him how you feel. Tell him what you want. And if he doesn’t believe you keep telling him until he does.” 

“Okay.” He was uncertain, but he was going to try. 

“I love you sweetie.” 

“I love you too mom.” He replied back. He thought she was going to hang up but she spoke once more. 

“And Dean, I love Cas too. He’s a part of this family and I want to keep it that way. Fight for him. He’s good for you.” 

He smiled uncertainly but he still made a promise. “I will.” 

She said her goodbyes and he promised to call her later before he hung up and sat in silence for a while. If his mom thought that he should fight for Cas and make sure he knew how much Dean cared about him, then that’s what he was going to do. He _wanted_ to do it.

Dean jumped about ten feet in the air when another emergency alert showed up on his phone, pulling him from his thoughts. He looked down this time to see that this was a storm warning message. He walked over to the window to look out. Everything looked normal from his point of view, he wasn’t sure what the hell the warning was about. 

Around lunchtime after too much alone time and practically dying from boredom, he relegated himself to groveling at Jo’s feet. Decided he needed her on his side in order to figure out the best way to apologize to Cas and to keep him company until everyone got home. 

He found her in the kitchen attempting (and struggling) to make box macaroni and cheese. Not wanting her to burn the house down Dean nudged her away from the stove and silently took over the cooking duties. Jo crossed her arms and glared at him but knew better than to try and attempt to burn any more food. 

Dean didn’t want to have to apologize, but he knew he’d better start sooner or later. He had a lot of bridges to repair so to speak. “I’m a dick and I say stupid shit when I shouldn’t.” He exclaimed, mostly to the pot of boiling noodles but he knew Jo heard him nonetheless. 

“Yeah, and?” 

He chanced a glance at her and saw that she wasn’t going to back down until he spilled his guts. He was thankful no one else was around, though he wouldn’t have minded killing two birds with one stone if Charlie were there too. He knew that feisty redhead wasn’t going to fold easily though. 

“I’m an asshole who hurt Cas in front of everyone because I was scared of owning up to the truth.” Dean confessed. 

She nodded. “You are an asshole. You really did hurt him. Everyone is mad at you.” Her words made him feel awful. 

“I know.” He pretended that keeping the pot from boiling over was more important than looking her in the eye. He could see her glaring at him nonetheless. 

“Do you know how awesome Cas is?” 

Dean scoffed. What kind of question was that? “Of course I do! He’s my best friend.” 

“Obviously you know. But like Dean, he’s a catch.” Dean looked up at her, suddenly intrigued. She went on. “Everyone loves him. We all know he is shy but whenever he is around he literally listens to everything we say. And he remembers those things too. Do you know how rare it is for people to actually remember the things you tell them? All of us love him.”

He smiled happily at the compliment towards his best friend. He did pick a good one. “He’s great.” He agreed. 

“You know other people see it too. Guys I mean.” Jo’s look was pointed, like she knew she was about to hit a nerve. Dean’s shoulders tensed up. “He gets hit on like everywhere we go.” 

“No he doesn’t.” Dean argued. He’d rarely seen Cas get hit on—when he had he practically Hulked out on the other guy but still, Cas didn’t get hit on as much as Jo seemed to say it did. 

She rolled her eyes. “You’re always to busy trying to get into the closest bimbo’s pants to notice. The dude seriously gets at least three numbers every time we go out somewhere.” 

He felt his heart rate rising. How did he not know this? “You’re lying.” He accused. 

“Why would I lie?” 

“Then why do I never see him talking to these guys?” The thought of Cas getting hit on by some sleazy scumbags made him want to hit something. Where was Dean when it was happening? How did he not know? And why didn’t Cas ever tell him about the guys who hit on him? Did he ever go home with them? Dean would have known if he did. Because Cas was always home. But sometimes Dean wasn’t home… Did he go home with those guys when Dean was out? 

Jo let Dean stew in his jealousy before she answered his question. “You don’t see it because he always shoots them down.” 

Dean sagged a little with relief. “He does?” 

“Every single time.” She didn’t look pleased with that fact. “We’ve tried to tell him not to. Tried to push him into accepting just one or two offers but every time he just says ‘I already know what I want and it’s not any of them.’” Dean’s heart did a little flip at those words. Did that mean what he thought it meant? Jo rolled her eyes again. “Guy’s loyal to you, more than you probably deserve sometimes. So you better nut up before he gets back unless you want him to decide that maybe what he does want is one of those other guys. Like Aaron maybe?” 

He grit his teeth at the mention of the name. Aaron, who’d tried to hit on him but had moved onto Cas. Aaron who wasn’t here at the cabin, which meant he was out skiing with everyone…. He could be with Cas right now, trying to hit on him. Cas didn’t have to be loyal—not after the way Dean screwed up—he probably didn’t want to be loyal. What if Cas wanted to give Aaron a shot now? The thought made him see red. He glared at Jo for putting the image in his mind. “Jo…” 

She rolled her eyes yet again. “I’m just saying, we’ve all been routing for you two. We all see just how good you are for each other. We just want you both happy.” 

Everyone was routing for them? Why did he have to be so stubborn and blind all this time? He closed his eyes and sighed, “I want that too.” 

“Good. So stop being an idiot.” She moved over to grab the boiling pot of noodles over to the strainer as Dean got the rest of the ingredients out of the fridge. 

And like that he had at least one person on his side again. 

Dean kept watching the clock, knowing that they’d have to be back somewhere around five if they stayed until closing. He was antsy with the anticipation of talking to Cas again. He still didn’t know what to say, he was never particularly good with words, but he didn’t know what he could _do_ to show Cas how sorry he was besides kiss him. Somehow he didn’t think that’d go over well without an apology first. 

It was seven. Two hours after he’d expected them home. He reasoned with himself that they’d all gone to dinner, despite no one having checked in with those that were back at the cabin. Still it wasn’t late enough for it to warrant any concern. Dean was just impatient for Cas’s arrival. 

Over the course of the next hour Dean found himself pacing around the place, checking out the windows for any sign of cars returning. He was starting to lose his nerve. He was second guessing if Cas would even allow him the time to apologize. Again, he found himself at the window looking out at the front of the cabin. And like each time he did it all he saw was the wind picking up more and more snow, tossing it in every which way. 

Somewhere after his twelfth look out the window, his phone went off again with an emergency alert, warning people to avoid traveling. That was the first moment he allowed himself to start worrying. 

He called everyone, Cas, Benny, Garth, Pamela, Charlie, Victor, and Kevin. Not a single person answered. More than half of their numbers went straight to voicemail. Despite knowing that Cas was upset with him, and despite knowing that his phone call had already gone to voicemail straight away, Dean continued to call Cas hoping that maybe by the next try he’d pick up. When the calls weren’t successful he sent multiple messages begging Cas to just let Dean know he was safe. 

No answer. 

The minutes ticked away and it was suddenly nine at night—no one had been heard from. Andrea and Jo were both starting to call, both of them only getting voicemails. It was Andrea who started to panic first. She called the resort hoping that their friends were still there—the phone kept ringing without an answer. The police told her there was nothing they could do at the time. They were given instructions to call places around their area they believed their friends could be. All phone calls to restaurants, motels, and even gas stations turned up empty. Dean could feel his resolve slipping quickly as his nerves started turning to panic. He tried to stay calm for Andrea’s sake but he knew he wasn’t fairing well. The weather outside had grown nasty, there was hardly a foot of visibility in front of him and the things he could see were dangerously bowing from the heavy winds—he could barely hold his footing in it. Dean could hear the screaming wind from every angle of the house, and often a loud crash would sound somewhere outside. It was unnerving. 

Of course the thought of their friends being stuck out in that made him feel worried but the thought of _Cas_ out there… well it was making him downright demented. 

By ten the power had gone out and Dean was ready to lose his mind. He didn’t know any way to calm down. So he found himself with his phone to his ear once again. 

“Dean?” The voice sounded tired. 

“Sammy?” 

He could hear his little brother groan. “Dean, why are you calling so late?” 

Dean didn’t know what else to say other than the truth. “I’m freaking out here man.” 

“Why?” Sam sounded worried. Dean hated that he was calling him this late but he didn’t know who else to call. 

“None of them are home. They were supposed to be back five hours ago and we can’t get ahold of them. We called everywhere even the police and no one knows anything. There’s a fucking blizzard outside and the power is out here…. And damnit. Cas is it with them. I don’t know where he is.” He knew he was in full-blown worry mode but he didn’t know how to reel himself in. 

“Let me get mom—“ Sammy started but Dean stopped him. 

“No! No! Don’t get mom. She’s just going to make me worry more.” He loved his mom to death and she’d been a great help to him earlier but if he told her that Cas was stuck in a blizzard she’d probably panic just as much as Dean. She saw Cas as one of her sons and worried about him just like she did Sam and Dean, Dean knew that much. 

Sam sounded a little scared when he responded. “Dean I don’t know what to do to help.” 

“I just—fuck Sammy. I need to just know he will be okay.” Why was he putting it on his sixteen-year-old brother to comfort him? That wasn’t fair! 

“He will be.” Sammy assured him. 

“What if he’s stuck in the middle of the storm?” 

He heard Sam sigh, “Dean he’ll come home.” 

Why couldn’t Cas already have been home? If Dean hadn’t have been such an ass the night before Cas probably wouldn’t be out there. He’d be safe with Dean and Dean wouldn’t be panicking to his kid brother over the guy he loved. 

The guy he loved. He _loved_ him. He loved Cas more than anything. 

Now seemed like the perfect time to tell his brother. “Sammy—“ Dean knew there was worry in his voice but he didn’t want Sam to stop looking up to him for this. But he didn’t want to lie to him either. 

“Yeah?” Sam sounded worried again. 

Now was the time to tell him, Dean thought. Now or never. “I think I… I think I love him.” 

“I know.”

Dean’s eyes went wide. “What?” 

“I’ve known you felt that way about him for forever.” 

The way Sam said it, so certain of his words, confused Dean. “How? I just realized it myself.” 

“Dean, everyone knows there is something between you guys.” 

“And you’re okay with it?” This was what Dean needed to know. He knew his mom was okay with it. He just needed his brother to feel the same way and then Dean would feel content. 

Sam actually laughed. “Okay with it? Dude, I’ve been dying for you guys to get together for years. I’ve been bugging Cas to ask you to move in together because I thought it would make it happen faster. I mean I even got Gabriel on board my mission of getting you two together!” 

“Seriously?” It was Dean’s turn to laugh. 

“Yeah! I mean even mom wants you to date him so bad. Me and her talk about it all the time. We think that you're crazy for not getting together sooner.” 

Dean pictured the two of them gossiping about him and Cas. Why hadn’t they said anything to him sooner? “I—I didn’t know.” 

“Have you told him how you feel yet?” Sam questioned. He sounded genuinely excited. 

Dean shook his head mournfully, though his brother couldn’t see it. “No—I… I haven’t gotten to that yet.” 

“Do it soon.” Sam commanded. 

“I will.” Dean promised. There was a long pause as Dean didn’t want to get off the phone with his brother quite yet. It made him feel minutely better to have that comfort on the phone. He knew he had to say goodbye when Sammy yawned though. 

“Dean, he’ll be back.” Sam assured his big brother. “I know you’re going to worry, but just trust that he’s okay.” 

“Thank you Sammy.” He’d gotten lucky with that dweeb for a kid brother. “I’ll call you tomorrow.” He promised before handing up. 

By midnight their phones were all dead. That somehow kicked Dean’s worry back up into high gear. 

Dean couldn't sit still. His mind was a flutter with every worse case scenario that could have possibly happened, if they'd gotten stuck in a snowstorm, if their car has drifted off the road, if another car didn't see them in all the snow…. He didn’t feel like something awful had happened. Weren’t you suppose to know if your loved one was hurt or in danger? But he wasn’t going to trust that Cas was okay until he was safe with Dean. 

Jo had to physically restrain Dean from going out there himself when it hit one o’clock and they weren’t home. Not even the unrelenting wind and zero visibility was enough of a reason for him to not go out there and find Cas. Only when she screamed at him that if something _did_ happen to them and Dean wasn’t there to find out, did he stumble back inside. 

Andrea was a mess. Dean didn’t feel like he could breath. Jo was pacing all around the room and Garth’s friends were one more comment away from Dean actually breaking every bone in their bodies.

It was almost three in the morning and Dean legitimately thought he was going to throw up. There was no way that them being missing for that long could turn out well. 

He didn’t care what the fuck Jo said to him this time, he was going to go out there if it was the last fucking thing he did. He needed to be fucking useful because Cas wasn’t fucking home and he didn’t know what happened to him. He stood up, ready to grab a jacket when he heard the click of the front door opening. 

All of them piled in, looking exhausted and cold, but not a scratch could be seen on any of them.

Dean heard Andrea choke out a sob, and knew that she was hauling herself at Benny who was muttering something comforting and sweet to her but he couldn’t pay attention to any of it. His legs were moving at their own accord the moment he spotted that perpetually wild hair and those baby blues. Within a millisecond he was wrapped around Cas, gripping him like his life depended on it, because it did. Dean could feel himself shaking as he held his best friend, one hand coming up to lock in that raven hair. He felt like he could suddenly breath again, all the worry from the past few hours was still fresh under his skin but damnit, he had Cas safe in his arms; the only place he ever wanted Cas to be. 

"It's okay. We’re okay. I'm okay." Cas said soothingly. There was dullness to his voice. His hug wasn’t as strong as Dean’s was but Dean didn’t have time to consider this. He needed answers. He pulled back just fractionally to look over his best friends for any sings of hurt or impending hypothermia. 

"What... what happened?" He nearly cried. Tears were threatening to make an appearance but he tried to stifle them down, busying himself with moving Cas to the couch and wrapping him up in anything warm he could find despite the fact that Cas didn’t look particularly cold. Dean sank to his knees in front of Cas. 

"The blizzard hit and we weren't able to leave. They blocked off the roads. We thought we could just wait it out but it took hours and all of our phones were dead. By the time we thought of calling the land line the power must have already gone out. It took us nearly four hours to drive back but we didn’t want to wait it out."

Dean wanted to scream at them for driving in that weather but they were home and they were safe and he couldn’t find the energy to be mad. "I've been so worried." He said through a shaky breath. 

"I know. I'm sorry." Cas replied sadly. 

"I thought something happened to you."

Dean didn’t realize his hands were still touching every part of Cas that they could until Cas laid one of his own on top to stop the frantic touching. "Nothing happened. I'm perfectly fine."

Dean didn’t know where Jo had come from but suddenly she was speaking. “Idiot wanted to go out and look for you.” 

Cas’s eyes went feral. “Dean…” He chastised immediately. 

“I didn’t know where you were…” Dean tried to explain. It didn’t calm Cas’s irritation. 

He seethed at Dean. “You could have gotten yourself hurt!”

“You shouldn’t have been driving in that! You could have been hurt! I just needed to know you were safe!” 

“What would I have done if I came back and you weren’t here?” There was pain in Cas’s words, like he was picturing coming home to find Dean missing. 

“I just—I just panicked.” Dean explained. “You weren’t answering. No one was answering. I didn’t know where you were. I’m sorry.” 

Cas closed his eyes and sighed, seeming to understand where Dean was coming from. "It’s alright. If you'd have been missing for nearly 10 hours I would have been out of my mind."

Maybe it was the validation of Dean’s panic or just the sheer fact that he had nothing to worry about anymore, but Dean finally deflated. He didn’t care that it was an awkward angle, him kneeling on the floor between Cas’s legs, he simply fell against Cas’s chest wrapping his arms around his best friend’s waist. "I'm sorry. Cas, I’m so so sorry." He murmured into the many layers of cotton that were covering his best friends chest. “Fuck I never want that to happen again. I was so scared.” He confessed. 

Cas rubbed small circles on Dean’s back. “We’re all okay, Dean.” 

“Never do that again.” Dean pleaded, gripping just a bit tighter. 

“Alright.” Cas promised. 

Dean didn’t move, just kept hugging his best friend for a few minutes longer. He didn’t care how silly he looked, he just couldn’t bring himself to let go. When his knees started to ache he pulled back and looked up at Cas with large pleading eyes. 

“Can we talk? Please?” 

Cas’s eyes were tired and sad. He nodded his head to Dean’s question.

When Dean was up off the floor he started speaking rapidly again, still feeling the need to make sure Cas was one hundred percent okay. “Are you hungry? Do you want me to make you something? Or get you something to drink? Hot chocolate? I can make it really fast.” 

Cas crossed his arms over his body almost protectively and shook his head. “I’m fine. Let’s just… let’s talk.” 

Dean didn’t say anything more to that. He lead them both towards their shared room, away from the eyes and ears of the rest of their group. 

When they got into the room Dean busied himself with lighting the fire straight away. Cas shrugged out of that day’s clothes and switched into pajamas before settling down on the small sofa in front of the fire. While he was warming up, Dean decided to get comfortable in his pajamas as well. He was nervous. He didn’t know where to start with his apology. And after this long ass night he wasn’t sure if Cas even wanted to ear it yet. Dean walked back over to the sofa and took a seat, trying to allow Cas some distance despite every bone in Dean’s body wanting to just draw Cas against his chest and keep him there forever. Dean was trying to find the best way to start, but Cas beat him to it. 

“I’ve had a lot of time to think today.” He started, fiddling with the edge of a knitted blanket. He didn’t meet Dean’s eyes as he spoke. “And I’ve come to realize that though I may feel what I do for you, I’m not going to let your lack of reciprocation effect our friendship. The last thing I want is to lose you as my friend or my family.” Cas looked up at Dean then, sorrow etched deeply in his features. Dean wanted to stop him there and tell him that he was wrong, but something couldn’t bring him to do that. Cas continued, “But I do need some time to let myself heal, so I want to say that I now agree with you when you said that we should stop staying at each other’s houses. When we get home I will have my stuff out of your place no later than Saturday morning. We’ll just have to figure out how to make our friendship work with this change. I hope this is a reasonable decision for you as well, but I will fully understand if you’d rather sever our friendship due to my feelings for you.” 

Dean’s heart was pounding. There was so much wrong with this conversation. Cas never spoke to him so formally, he only did that with people he barely knew. And Cas wanted space from him? He was going to take his stuff out of Dean’s house? Because Dean said they shouldn’t stay at each other’s anymore? Dean’s confusion led him to ask, “When… when did I say we should stop staying at each other’s houses?” 

“The night of the engagement.” Cas explained. “You were drunk but you said you didn’t think we should stay at each other’s houses anymore.” 

The night Dean wanted to ask Cas to move in with him… Dean was an idiot. “I—I didn’t mean that.” 

Cas looked confused and upset. “I don’t understand how else you meant it then?” 

“I—I was going to…” Dean was stumbling over his words so bad that he couldn’t form a complete sentence. 

Instead of letting Dean try to say something, Cas cut him off. “Regardless, it’s still the best choice so that I can work through this and potentially move on.” He moved to stand up, throwing the blanket he’d been using over the back of the couch. Dean was up on his feet in seconds. This was the time he needed to freaking say something. Make Cas know that Dean did too feel the same way and that the last thing he wanted was for Cas to get some space. 

“Cas—“ He started to say, but nothing else formed in his mouth. 

Cas waited patiently for a few moments before shaking his head. “I’m going to be staying with Charlie again tonight.” He turned to head towards the door. 

“Please don’t.” Dean choked out suddenly. 

“Dean…” 

Dean approached him like he would a spooked mare. “Please, just give me one more night next to you. If this… if this is what you want, of course I won’t say no, but I just want one more night.” 

Fuck, Dean just needed some more time to choose the right thing to say. It’d been a long night and Cas had just said that he wanted space… Dean didn’t know exactly how to make any of this right when his heart was hurting at the mere thought of Cas not wanting to be around him as much anymore. 

Cas was shaking his head at Dean’s plea. “I don’t think I can…” 

“Cas, please. I’m begging you.” And he really was. His hands were gripping Cas’s shoulders, and he could feel the tears in his eyes. 

He stared at his best friend for a long while, silently begging the other man to just grant him one more night. Miraculously, Cas agreed. 

There was uncomfortable tension in the air as they both climbed into bed. Cas positioned himself on the far edge of the bed, out of Dean’s reach. Dean didn’t think it was his right to protest. He was lucky enough Cas was allowing him to share a bed. 

He fell into a fitful sleep nonetheless. 

_He was searching everywhere. But the forest was never ending. Every turn he made only made him further lost. He couldn't find him. He didn't know where to look. He was shouting himself hoarse._

_He didn’t remember why they were separated. Something had grabbed Cas. Or maybe Cas had left him. He didn't know what to do. It was so cold. The snow was so thick now. But there wasn't snow before. Now it was to his waist. He knew if Cas were caught in the snow he'd never find him._

_He was pleading with anyone to help him. No one was there. He just needed to get to Cas and he'd be okay._

_He was suffocating from the snow. He couldn’t breath. He couldn’t shout anymore._

_Cas was going to be gone. Dean was going to lose him forever._

_Dean couldn’t lose him. He’d die._

Suddenly he was yanked out of whatever nightmare he was having.

"Dean, Dean wake up." Cas was pleading, shaking his shoulders. 

The mere sight of Castiel next to him, safe, was enough to send Dean’s emotions spirally. He was shaking, real tears pouring out of him. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry." He repeated on a mantra. 

"Shh. I've got you. Come here." Cas said softly, pulling Dean until he was leaning on Cas’s chest. "God your heart is pounding." Cas observed. 

Dean was still shaking, he was too tired to care. "I couldn't find you. I didn't know where you were. You were gone."

He felt gentle fingers card through his hair as Cas spoke softly to him. "It was just a dream. I'm right here."

"I can't lose you." Dean cried. 

"You won’t. I swear." Cas whispered against Dean’s hair. 

Dean gripped Cas’s shirt tightly "Promise me.” He begged. 

"I promise Dean. I'm never going to leave you."

Maybe it was the adrenaline from the nightmare or maybe it was the security in Cas’s words, whatever it was, Dean found himself looking up into gentle eyes and finding the courage to lean up to press a kiss against those soft pink lips. It only lasted a second before Cas jerked back like he was stung. 

“What was that?” 

The next thing Dean knew Cas was scrambling out of the bed. 

Dean was up a moment after. “Cas—“ He tried to move forward, to keep some sort of physical contact with the other man. 

The fury in Cas’s eyes had Dean stopping in his tracks. “No… Dean… damnit. You can’t just kiss people….” 

“I didn’t mean…” 

Cas cut him off angrily. “You didn’t mean to? Is that what you were going to say?” 

Dean sighed. “Yes…” 

Cas wrung his fingers through his hair agitatedly. “You don’t just accidently kiss people Dean! 

“I know!” Dean shouted back but flinched at his words. He didn’t’ want to fight. “I meant I didn’t mean to do that right then… I shouldn’t have done that then.” 

Cas’s eyes were wild, angry. “Why? Why did you do it?” 

And here it was. Dean had to let him know he meant it. He crossed the room, placing his hands on either side of Cas’s face. “I… I wanted to.” He explained with conviction. 

Cas shoved, causing Dean to stumble back. “No.” Cas declared. 

“No?” 

He shoved an angry finger into Dean’s sternum. “No! No! No! You don’t get to just kiss me because you suddenly get the urge to experiment.” 

Why couldn’t Cas see that Dean wasn’t just fucking around? “It wasn’t an experiment.” Dean insisted. 

“Bullshit! You can’t tell me that that was anything more than a sudden urge to see what it feels like to kiss me. What, you think that since my heart is already broken what’s one more shattered piece? Let’s just go ahead and kiss Cas and make him feel even worse?” 

“No! Cas, you know I’d never—“ 

Cas cut him off, nearly yelling the words. “At this point I don’t Dean!” Dean didn’t know what to say. He just stared blankly at his best friend who was convinced Dean would never want him. “What's going on?” Cas pleaded with his head in his hands. 

He didn’t know how to explain to Cas that what he was feeling was real. So he said the first thing that came to mind. 

“People don’t stay together forever.” It came out more as a mumble than a coherent sentence. 

“What?” There was irritation in Cas’s voice. 

“People don’t stay together forever.” Dean said again, more fully. 

“You’re not making any sense here…” Cas shook his head and wiped at his eyes. 

Dean spoke again, more clearly this time. “You believe that people find their soul mates. You think that people find the one for them and then they live happily ever after. But that—that’s not true. It doesn’t work like that.” 

“Dean?” Cas sounded no less confused. 

Dean knew this wasn’t going well, hell he barely knew where this was going, but he needed to get it out anyway. “My dad didn’t even love my mom. Just saddled her with two kids and then left her alone to raise me and Sammy, didn’t even bother to check in on us, just vanished! Hell, not even my mom and Bobby loved each other forever, just tried to make it work for me and Sam. Love doesn’t work out. It doesn’t last. Or it dies. Cas, your mom _died_ when you were born… she died. And your dad never got over her. And they were only together a little while…” 

It was Cas who approached Dean this time, laying a gentle hand on his forearm. “Dean, slow down. What are you talking about?” 

Dean took a deep shuttering breath before he laid it all out. “I’m in love with you. I’m in love with you and it scares the hell out of me because I could lose you. I could screw up. I could say the wrong thing. I could do the wrong thing and you'd leave or you'd stop loving me. Or god… I could really lose you. And I'd never be able to survive if you left. I need you.”

Cas looked taken aback, Dean could tell he was battling with believing what Dean had said or not. “Why would I ever leave you? Have I ever left you before?” Cas asked gently. 

“You could.” Dean argued, even the thought of it sent a twinge of pain through his heart. 

Cas let his hand roam up Dean’s arm, cupping his best friend’s face softly, lovingly. Dean leaned into the touch. “I could never stop loving you.” Cas whispered. “It would tear my soul in half to ever leave you.”

This. This was what Dean needed to hear. He felt the same way. He just needed to find the strength to say it. “Cas…” He started to say, but Cas shook his head—it was still his turn to speak. 

“Dean Winchester, I have loved you since I was six years old. The moment you tugged me close to protect me from that storm, I was gone for you. No one has ever nor will ever compare to you. You are and forever will be my home.”

Dean felt like he could sob. He pressed his forehead to Cas’s, praying that Cas believed him when he spoke. “It’s always been you. I’m just—I’m just scared.” 

“I’m not.” Cas smoothed his thumb over Dean’s cheekbone. 

“You’re not?” Dean asked. 

Dean could feel it as Cas shook his head in response. “If there is one thing I have faith in, it’s you.” Cas whispered. 

The words made Dean’s heart feel warm. “Cas.” 

“Tell me you want this.” Cas pleaded and Dean was not going to make the same mistake as last time. 

He leaned up to press a kiss to Cas’s forehead. “I want this. I want forever with you.” He promised. “Please be patient with me.” 

Cas’s smile had finally returned and Dean felt his heart soar. “As long as you’re sure about this.” 

Dean nodded his head. “I am. I’m more than sure. I don’t know why it took me so long to get my head out of my ass but it’s always been there.” He was trembling but he knew Cas deserved to hear Dean lay his heart out on the line. So that’s what Dean did. “Cas, I look forward to coming home to you after a long stressful day, or damn even on a good day I just want to be with you. And I—I don’t feel settled until my arms are wrapped around you. And god, hearing your snores…” 

“I don’t snore.” Cas interrupted, making Dean laugh. 

“You do…” Dean swiped his thumb down the bridge of Cas’s nose, placing a gentle kiss to the tip before continuing, “but I love them more than anything because whenever I hear them I know you’re asleep and peaceful and safe with me. Castiel Shurley you are my best friend, my other half, and the only person I could ever see spending my life with. I might be terrible at this and I might screw up all the time, but I’m going to fight to be a good man for you. It’s what you deserve.” Dean had to thumb a few stray tears off of Cas’s cheeks, but he knew by the look of hope in Cas’s eyes that they were happy tears. “I love you.” Dean finally said. 

Cas choked out a relieved sigh. “I love you too.” 

And it was only natural to fall together. Cas’s lips against his solidified that this was everything he didn’t know he was searching for, yet he found it right at the tip of his fingers. Fingers that were electrified with each touch to Castiel’s face, shoulders, arms; it was everything. Dean knew he was never going to have better than this man, knew he’d sell his soul for another kiss like this one, knew the only way he could live was to have all of Cas, forever. 

Soft, chapped lips were bruising against Dean’s own before they moved away. Dean chased after them, but they were trailing delicately down his cheeks, across his jaw—stubble catching with a delicious scrape—down the column of his neck, until they came back, nipping at his bottom lip. Dean couldn’t resist. He traced his tongue on the seam of Castiel’s mouth begging for entrance. Cas didn’t let him down. Dean moaned into his best friend’s mouth, savoring the taste. But he needed more. 

His hands were already trailing up Cas’s sides, the skin underneath his hands warm and perfect but he couldn’t stand the barrier anymore. Dean’s hands moved to grip the hem of the shirt before he pulled it off, breaking their kiss for a brief moment. Cas whined, tightening his grip in Dean’s hair as he pulled their lips back together again. But Dean wouldn’t allow it. There was so much of Cas he got to kiss now. He was going to kiss every part of Cas’s body. He’d do it forever and it still wouldn’t be enough time to worship it the way he wanted to. 

He started with Cas’s jaw, dragging his lips along that gorgeous layer of stubble, relishing in the way it tugged against his own. He darted his tongue out as he trailed down Cas’s neck; he could inhale that beautiful scent that whispered to him, letting him know he was home. His kisses turned to nips as he met the juncture of Cas’s neck and shoulder, savoring the way his best friend shivered under the feeling. Dean never wanted Cas to stop feeling that way. 

He pulled back to look into those vast blue eyes, eyes that never failed to look at Dean like he was worth something, like he was special. Those eyes had gotten him through breakups, bad days, and bouts of self-loathing just from once glace of undying devotion. He was going to spend the rest of his life looking into those oceans; Cas was it for him. 

That smile too, that crinkle-in-the-eye smile had a way of melting him to a puddle of mush at Cas’s feet. That smile looking up at him through long lashes provided him the answer to the question he didn’t know he was asking. 

“I want you.” Cas breathed. It was exactly what Dean needed to hear. 

They crashed together again, this time with a purpose. Cas was scrambling to get to Dean’s shirt while Dean continued to kiss and nip and lick every part of Cas’s neck, chest and shoulders. 

“Dean, let me get this off of you.” Cas demanded and Dean would be a fool to deny him anything. He pulled his lips back just enough to allow his shirt to be pulled off over his head. 

The second it was gone Dean was hungrily demanding entrance in Cas’s mouth. He pushed, blindly walking them back. Cas’s legs bumped against something soft and Dean hoped for the life of them that it was the bed and not just the couch as he pushed his best friend down. He didn’t have time to climb up onto the bed before Cas was pulling him down and flipping them, straddling Dean’s hips like it was his plan all along. 

Cas assaulted Dean’s chest, racking his fingernails down as he kissed his way back and forth and all the way down, biting marks as he got to the soft flesh of Dean’s tummy. 

“You’re so beautiful,” Cas praised, trailing his way back up Dean’s chest, sucking one of Dean’s nipples into his mouth. Dean arched off the bed with a groan. 

He couldn’t reply, didn’t know how to take the compliment. “Kiss me,” he whispered back instead. Castiel obliged immediately, not allowing his hands to stop touching any part of Dean’s skin it could reach. 

Dean was overwhelmed with need, and trust, and love. He wanted to show Cas just how deep that love went. He tugged at Cas’s hair, regretfully forcing the kissing to stop. Cas pulled away, only enough to look Dean in the eye. Dean felt warmth surge through to his toes seeing the divine smile that was settled in his love’s features. It made him feel brave. 

“Let me make love to you.” He pleaded, needing more than anything to come together completely. 

Cas only answered back by sealing their lips together once more. 

It took a few moments to fight clothes all the way off as neither of them wanted to separate for any amount of time, but when Dean felt the rigid line of Castiel’s length against his own, those brief moments were suddenly more than worth it. He groaned loudly at the sensation of Cas wrapping his hands around both of their members, sliding along their lengths at a deliciously slow pace. 

Dean didn’t know what to do with his hands, he wanted to touch every part of Cas’s body yet he wanted to wrap them around Cas’s hand, bringing them both closer to the edge. There was pure bliss on Cas’s face and all Dean desired was to see that look forever. He didn’t care if it stopped Cas’s movements of his hand, he needed to kiss him and he needed to do it then. He threaded his fingers through Cas’s hair and yanked roughly to get Cas’s lips on him. The blue-eyed man moaned as their tongues tangled together. It was a taste Dean knew he’d never tire of. 

Softly he trailed his fingers down the ridges of Cas’s spin, following the path down, down down. He spread his palms wide as he kneaded the soft flesh of Castiel’s ass, swallowing the man’s pleasured moans. He massaged those perfect globes with his left hand as his right followed his previous path, descending further towards Cas’s entrance. A shuddering gasp broke from Castiel’s mouth as Dean swirled his middle finger around the tight ring. 

Dean looked up at Cas’s face, waiting for his lover to answer the silent question he was asking. 

“Please,” Cas breathed, pushing pack towards the feel of Dean’s touch. 

The green-eyed man pulled is hand back up, sucking his finger into his mouth before returning to his previous task rubbing over the small pucker before pushing into Cas’s waiting body. 

“Dean,” Cas whimpered above him. 

Dean tenderly kissed each of his eyelids. “I’ve got you, baby.” He promised. 

Things moved quickly from there, both men pent up with such vibrant need. Cas, with more grace than Dean knew could be mustered at that state, flung himself across the room to search for the blessed bottle of lubricant he’d stashed away in his bag; before Dean could even feel a chill at the loss of contact, Cas was clambering back on top of him pouring the slick liquid straight onto Dean’s fingers. 

Dean followed Cas’s lead, listening to every pleasured moan and breathy plea to guide him into making Cas fall apart. When Cas was pushing back on three of Dean’s fingers with abandon, Dean knew he wasn’t going to last much longer. 

“I need to be inside you.” Dean practically sobbed. 

Cas groaned in response. “Please.” 

Dean was trying to keep his head clear but he was struggling. “Condom?” He managed to ask. 

Cas shook his head. “I’m clean.” 

“Me too.” 

That was enough for Cas to dip down and breath into Dean’s ear. “I need you.” 

Dean flipped them and Cas’s legs immediately moving to wrap around Dean’s waist. He had to calm himself with a few steady breaths, not wanting it to be over the moment he entered his best friend’s flawless body. Before he kept Cas waiting too long he grabbed the small bottle, made sure he was slick enough, before lining up against Cas’s entrance. 

Green eye’s locked on blue, waiting, pleading for an answer, not wanting to take something that was not his to take. 

Cas’s legs gripped tighter around Dean waist. “Make love to me.” He demanded. 

So Dean did. He slid in slowly, watching for any trace of discomfort on that gorgeous face beneath him. It wasn’t long until they were moving together, meeting each other thrust for thrust, in a steady rhythm. Cas’s hands greedily tugged Dean down to him, pressing their mouths together as Dean moved at a more erratic pace; he wasn’t going to last long, the tight, tight heat and the overwhelming sensation of being with the one he loved more than life was propelling him quickly towards the edge. 

“Cas, Cas I—“ is all he could raggedly breath before waves of pleasure overwhelmed him, causing him to press his face into the curve of Cas’s neck. 

He almost didn’t notice the cry of euphoria underneath him, or the blunt edge of nails searing down his back, but he felt the tremors coursing through Cas’s body. Dean pulled back to press his lips lazily to his lovers, kissing him until it was merely just breathing against each other’s open mouths—all energy wiped out of them. 

Dean slowly pulled out, wincing at the slight twinge of discomfort that crossed Cas’s features. He was too tired to properly clean then up, so as valiantly as he could he moved to the edge of the bed, searching for any piece of discarded clothes he could find. He half-heartedly wiped them both down and tossed the defiled shirt somewhere far across the room. In moments, he gathered Cas into his arms, pressing soft kisses to every part of the man’s face, trying to portray without words how much what they’d just done had meant to Dean. 

“I never thought I could have this.” Cas whispered against Dean’s chest as he traced senseless patterns against the sparse damp hair. 

It broke Dean’s heart to hear those words and he promised himself then that he’d do anything to ensure Cas never doubted how desired he was. 

Taking Cas’s hand in his own he pressed gentle kisses to each fingertip as he spoke. “I’m yours. For as long as you’ll have me.” 

He felt Cas shudder in his arms. “For the rest of my life?” He asked tentatively, looking up to meet Dean’s eyes. 

Dean smiled but shook his head. “No. Not long enough.” 

“Eternity?” Cas finally asked after a moment of pondering. 

It was without hesitation that Dean agreed. “That's a good place to start.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well you all begged me to fix it. Is it fixed enough for you? 
> 
> I'm going to hide from existence for like a week now because I am terrified that that scene at the end was cringeworthy and terrible. Like I had 0, ZERO, Z E R O, desire to write something like that but it just kind of happened and I decided to roll with it. 
> 
> Anyway, there will for sure be one more chapter after this one, and it's possible one after that. It just depends on how I structure the next chapter. 
> 
> Let me know what you thought, if you're happy with how things worked out, or what not. Please be gentle though, I'm pretty nervous to be posting this.


	8. Chapter 8

**A few months ago,  
Dean, 20 years old.**

The night had been surprisingly going well. And damn did she look hot in that slick black dress. It took everything in him not to stare as they walked into the restaurant, because damnit he was a gentleman. Kind of. Some of the time. You know what? Sue him, she was hot. 

Dean felt he was grinning like a maniac, though the mantra in his head of _keep cool, keep cool_ was still on repeat. He was just so damn glad he finally got a shot with her. He gave a devilish grin across the table once they sat down, earning a polite lip twitch from his date—it wasn’t the swooning he’d hoped for but he’d get there.

The waiter took their order, practically scoffing at Dean’s valiant attempt to pronounce his dish… and hey, Dean didn’t even let himself get upset at that. See, perfect gentleman. He had high hopes for the rest of the night. 

When it was just the two of them at the small, candle lit table, Dean knew it was time to turn up the charm. He had a fancy restaurant, a table with a view of the river, and some nice wine to help him along; there was no way he wasn’t going to charm her pants—well, dress—off that night. 

He smiled across the table at Bela, but she was far more interested in her wine. He chalked it up to nerves. “Can I just say, I’m shocked you finally agreed to go out with me?” He asked with his seduction voice on (that’s what Cas tended to call it when he made fun of Dean. It’d stuck). 

Bela met his eyes, a smug gleam in her own. “You were quite persistent.” 

“You are quite attractive.” He mused back. Not his smoothest line but it was something. The tip of the iceberg if you will. 

He knew she would be a tough one to woo, so it didn’t surprise him when an unimpressed eye roll accompanied her response. “Your flattery won’t do you any good here, Winchester.” 

He brought his voice down low, accepting her challenge. “Why not?” 

He figured he’d have to take her on a couple more dates. Hell, he’d take her on fifty more dates if it meant that his dry spell would finally be over. It’d been about a year since Lisa broke up with him. It was time to get back in the saddle (he laughed a little to himself remembering the time he’d said that phrase to Cas and his had deadpanned ‘you don’t even know how to ride a horse’). 

He was quickly taken aback by the frankness of Bela’s answer. “I only agreed to this date because I’ve heard what others say about you.” 

He leaned against the back of his chair, grabbing his glass of wine and taking a sip. (No they didn’t card him, and yes he preferred beer through and through but he was trying to make an impression like Cas instructed him to. _‘No Dean you can’t order a beer at a place like that’_ ). 

“What’s that suppose to mean?” He was trying to go for sultry but by the look of indifference on her face told him he didn’t succeed. 

“The amazing Dean Winchester— the quintessential boy next door and everyone’s best pal; smooth talking, completely charming, ladies man who… somehow never seems to make it to a third date anymore.” Dean almost choked on the wine, that sentence did not end the way he expected. Bela continued despite Dean’s coughing fit, “The man whom everyone claims is blissfully unaware of the fact that he’s in love with his best friend.” 

What the hell? No. No. Cas? Him in love with Cas?

“W-what? I am no--…” He was fumbling over his words and felt his neck and cheeks heating up from embarrassment. This was not at all what he had in mind for his date. “I am not in love with anyone.” He asserted. Because no… there was no way. (He wished that Cas were there to help him out, Cas was always better at cutting people down who assumed they knew more than they actually did.) 

Bela didn’t look convinced. “From what I have heard, that best friend of yours, Castille, is it?” 

“Castiel…” Dean corrected automatically. 

“Ah, yes, Castiel.” She smiled over the rim of her wine glass, clearly pleased by Dean’s flustered state. “Apparently, Castiel and yourself are inseparable. Even sleep together most nights. Actually, every night from what I’ve gathered.” 

He found himself switching from embarrassment to annoyance. His jaw was tense as he ground out, “Who exactly told you this?” 

Since his breakup with Lisa he’d been hearing more and more whispers about himself and Cas. It’s not that they’d ever been secretive about themselves, but they didn’t ever feel the need to go parading around telling everyone that they shared a bed at night. Why did it matter where they slept? And why was it something people felt they needed to know? The people who did know, all their closest friends and family, seemed to not think twice about it anymore either—so it didn’t matter what others thought. 

Bela seemed to have roughly the same sentiment. “Does it matter?” She asked simply. 

Dean didn’t respond. Because he knew it didn’t matter. He knew people talked and he knew they seemed to get off on gossiping about what really happens between Cas and Dean at night. So fuck them. Whoever it was clearly had a problem with it but Dean didn’t give a rat’s ass what they thought about his sleeping arrangements. And he didn’t give a rat’s ass about finishing this date. But he’d already ordered the damn food, so it wasn’t like he could walk out then. 

He merely scowled at Bela and waited for her to continue spewing whatever bullshit she had to say. His wine started to taste a lot better now that he wasn’t in the most pleasant of moods. (He considered spending the rest of his night on his phone, but knew that despite the validity of doing so, Cas would either not respond, since he hated texting, or would just scold Dean for being on his phone at such an upscale restaurant.) 

Bela’s voice drew him away from his thoughts. “From what others I’ve spoken to claim,” Her accent was admittedly far less attractive now, Dean noticed, “this has been going on for years. I’ve even spoken to friends of friends who’ve said they knew you both in high school and that the two of you have always been quite cozy.” 

_I could have told you that,_ Dean thought. “We’re best friends. We’re close. Why is that a problem?” He knew his tone was defensive, but he was over this conversation. 

“Oh, no, don’t get me wrong.” Her smiled seemed kind but it didn’t help her situation. Dean was righteously pissed. “I don’t mind at all, I just wanted to see you for myself. See if you were as in denial as everyone claims you are. Which you are.” 

“Bullshit.” He snapped back. “There’s nothing to be in denial about. We’re friends. He likes to be close to me, and so that’s how we are. It doesn’t make me in love with him.” 

“He’s gay, correct?” 

What the fuck did it matter? “Yeah? So?” Dean bit out irritably. 

“Perhaps he’s the one in love with you then.” 

Dean would never admit the sharp intake in his breath when he heard that…. No matter who said it, he always had the same jolt of _something_ course through his chest when anyone even suggested that Cas could feel something for him. It didn’t make sense to him though so he made sure to ignore it, shoving it deep down into a small corner of his heart that he refused to touch. 

His features were schooled into indifference before Bela could notice any change in his demeanor. “Don’t be stupid. That would never happen.” 

Bela just sighed despondently. “Maybe neither of you do have feelings for one another but lets assume at the very least that Castiel does, which I am certain is the case… Don’t you feel it’s at least worth bringing up with each other?” She paused for a moment, waiting for Dean to respond, none the wiser that Dean was fighting tooth and nail to keep that small part of his heart from surfacing. He chose not to respond. 

“It’s obvious you both know what others say about you. So my question is, shouldn’t you have a serious talk about it with him? Because the way I see it, someone is bound get hurt. And Dean, I presume that you’re the one hurting him… right now, being on this date with me.” There wasn’t a hint of maliciousness in her eyes and it gave Dean pause. Was she right? Was he hurting Cas? The thought made him feel unsettled. But there was no damn way she knew what she was talking about. 

“You don’t know the first thing about me and Cas.” Dean argued, his voice coming out smaller than he’d have liked. 

“You’re right. But I do know quite a lot about being hurt.” The look in his eyes told him that she wasn’t lying. “And being that he is your best friend, I’m confident you don’t want to hurt him.” 

She wasn’t wrong there, but that didn’t mean she was right about anything else. Thankfully Dean didn’t have a chance to reply as their food came out right at that moment. He went through the polite refusal of needing anything else, and asking for the check as soon as possible before turning to eat what he’d ordered. (He even remembered to put the damn napkin on his lap like Cas had hounded him on—hell he even picked the correct fork to use too. Cas was a persistent little shit when it came to molding Dean into ‘you cannot be a caveman anymore, Dean Winchester’). 

He and Bela ate in silence for a while before a question that had need nagging at him finally found its way to his lips. “Why’d you even come on this date with me if you were just going to try and convince me that I ‘love’ Cas?” 

Bela put down her fork and knife and wiped the corner of her mouth demurely before speaking. “Your friends want you to be happy. I thought I could at least try and steer you in that direction and possibly steer you away from asking anyone else out until you sort this out with Castiel.” 

“There isn’t anything to sort out.” Dean grumbled. What did she expect him to do? Go home and ask Cas, ‘hey, you know how everyone says it’s weird we sleep together? Do you think they’re right? Are we actually in love with each other?’ No, because they both knew the answer to that. They were best friends, and there wasn’t going to be anything more between them. 

“Maybe not, but maybe there is. What’s the harm in trying to see for yourself though?” 

He rolled his eyes. “What do you mean?” 

She clasped her hands together and laid them on the table, looking as if she were about to give him a migraine. “Just… pay attention to the way you two are together. Is it just friendship or is it something more? Do you feel differently with him than you do other people? And if you do, why?” 

“It’s not going to prove anything.” Dean asserted, though he pointedly ignored a small nagging voice inside of him telling him otherwise… 

“Indulge me.” Bela insisted. “You spend however long you need sorting that out, and if you come to the conclusion that neither of you want anything more, well, call me up and we can try for another date.” She stared at him for a long while across the table, letting her words sink in. It took Dean until that moment to realize her eyes were blue, but they lacked something—yes they were kind, yes they were pretty but they weren’t… right somehow. 

When Bela winked Dean was pulled from his strange train of thought. He considered her words… if there weren’t anything between him and Cas, he could get a second date with her? Like he’d ever go out with her again after this disaster. 

“We’ll see.” He finally responded. 

He let out a heavy sigh of relief when he dropped her off at her home that night. And no, he did not walk her to the door because screw being a gentleman at that point. All he wanted to do was go home. 

And it didn’t mean _anything_ that home that night was Cas’s apartment and not his own. 

It _didn’t._

* * *

**Present Day.**

Nothing in his wildest dreams could have possibly come close to feeling as incredible as it did to wake up to a warm, solid weight on top of him in the shape of the person he loved more than anything. The intimacy in feeling his naked skin pressed against Cas’s sent a shiver through his body; it was so good he could cry. How he’d gone without this feeling for so long was beyond him. 

His arms instinctively wrapped around the sleeping form on top of him as he sent a prayer to high heaven that this would be the way he’d wake up for as long as he lived. Last night had meant everything to him. He couldn’t form words to adequately express what having Cas and knowing Cas loved him beyond anything else meant to him. He knew he’d never deserve that kind of love but damnit was he going to do everything he could to selfishly keep it. 

A thrill ran down him as Cas nuzzled closer as he started to stir, pressing soft kisses onto Dean’s chest before looking up and smiling radiantly. The soft glow from the morning light streaming in from the windows illuminated behind Castiel; he looked so perfect, almost angelic. Dean could do nothing more than say the first words that came to his mind at the sight in his arms. 

“I love you.” 

By the way Cas’s breath caught and his mouth parted, Dean knew the words had their intended affect. 

He felt Cas scoot up the bed until he was hovering above Dean, gazing down at him with awestricken devotion. Dean knew this was it for him. Knew there'd never be another soul who could make him feel so complete than the one he had in his arms. His heart was so completely filled with happiness and love he could almost not breathe.

"I love you too." Cas breathed against his lips. 

Dean pulled Cas down to him, sealing their lips together.

* * *

He knew that even if his time came tomorrow, nothing, not even his own personal heaven would top this moment, where he realized the road unraveled at his feet and the rest of his life was promising to begin. 

Dean loved him. Dean loved him and wanted to be with him and Castiel couldn’t think of anything more important than that fact. And now that he got to touch Dean the way he wanted, now that he got to kiss Dean whenever he wanted, he couldn’t stop. 

They kissed, and they kissed, and they kissed until kissing wasn’t enough anymore and their need for connection was incomprehensible. They took their time, hours—days—years maybe, learning each other’s bodies, finding where to kiss, where to caress, where to nibble that would pull sounds of desire from one another. There wasn’t a reason to rush; they had the promise of always there with them, letting them know it was okay to just discover this new part to their relationship. 

And when they did finally reach the peak of desire, coming together, their names tumbling from each other’s lips, Cas was certain—more so than he already had been—that he was ruined for anyone else. He couldn’t be happier about that. 

The nonsense patterns Dean was trailing over his back were nearly enough to lull him back to sleep, but eventually their rumbling stomachs could no longer be ignored. He didn’t want to leave though, didn’t want to leave the warm comfort of the little bubble they’d created where Dean was able to love Castiel without hesitation, where everything was blissfully perfect. He knew they needed to surface at some point, and he was okay with that. He understood that it’d probably take time, however long was needed, for Dean to accept this change in their status. It didn’t bother him knowing Dean would likely be hesitant in sharing their relationship with the public. He wanted Dean to have the time he needed to be comfortable with showing affection for Cas. He felt secure knowing Dean wouldn’t hurt him. But he still didn’t want to leave their bubble. It was a perfect little bubble.

Cas was kissing a trail down Dean’s sternum, and despite his words, Dean really wasn’t doing much to stop him. “Baby, we need to get up.”

“Don’t wanna.” Cas whispered against his skin. 

“I can hear how hungry you are.” 

“Mmm. Hungry for you.” He responded, sucking a mark onto the soft flesh of Dean’s stomach. 

Dean moaned in approval but pulled Cas gently up by the hair, guiding him back up. “Don’t start or we’ll never leave this room.” 

“I don’t see how that sounds like a bad thing.” Cas sassed back, straddling Dean’s hips and grinding ever so slightly. Suddenly Cas was being manhandled onto his back, Dean pinning him to the bed, he wrapped his legs automatically around Dean’s waist. 

As he spoke, Dean punctuated his words with kisses to Cas’s neck and jaw. “We need… food… for energy… without energy… we can’t… continue… this.” 

“But—“ Cas protested. 

“No buts…. Well maybe some butts, but later that is.” He smacked Cas gently on his ass, making him yelp. “Once we’ve eaten.” 

Overjoyed. Elated. Ecstatic. Joyous. Euphoric. There wasn’t a word that was enough to express the surge of ‘oh my god, this is real—I really get to have this’ that washed over him. The simplicity of just falling together like it was the most natural progression of events, which, admittedly it felt that way… it amazed him. Dean amazed him. 

“Was that your attempt at being punny?” Cas tried to feign indifference towards the joke but it didn’t work. He was unable to stop smiling.

Dean’s smile matched his own, those green eyes almost golden in the morning light—and by god, how was this man actually _his?_ “Maybe. Now lets get up sunshine.” 

And well, maybe a shower wasn’t necessary, but more time without the barrier of clothes between them, allowing them to keep their hands on one another… how exactly could they resist? And if they struggled to get clothes on after, well that might have been because they still could not stop kissing one another. And perhaps it wasn’t the wisest choice to allow Dean to press him up against the door, sucking marks onto his collarbone, as Cas tried to grind himself against the leg Dean had slotted between his own…. But damnit, he had this visceral need to touch this man, more so than he did before, and that need was insatiable. 

But so was his hunger at that point. 

“We need to eat.” Dean halfheartedly protested, forehead resting against Cas’s.

Cas shook his head and pulled Dean’s lips closer to his. “One more minute.” He pleaded. 

He felt, more so than saw, the smile on Dean’s lips before they were greedily kissing for the millionth time. Dean slipped his tongue into Cas’s mouth. Cas could still taste the mint of his toothpaste and he doesn’t know why but... 

His stomach gave another loud rumble. 

“Okay, okay. I’m feeding you. Right now.” Dean kissed him once more but still didn’t move to open the door. There was just a hint of hesitation, one that, had Cas not known the man standing in front of him nearly all his life, he might have missed. But he knew Dean almost better than he knew himself. 

“Hey,” he cooed, getting Dean’s attention. When Dean’s eyes locked on his, Cas gave him his most gentle smile. “I don’t expect us to go out and tell everyone. I know you need time to get use to it yourself. I _want_ you to take all the time you need, okay? I can and will wait as long as you need.”

That small ounce of hesitation that was weighing on Dean’s shoulders swiftly lifted. He pressed their foreheads together and sighed contently. “You know I’m not ashamed of you… or of this, right?” Cas nodded. Their eyes were locked on each other’s as Dean continued to speak. “I love you Cas, I swear I do. It’s just going to take me some time to adjust to this newness. But I want this and I promise you I will tell everyone. It might take me some time though.” 

Cas lifted his hands from Dean’s waist to trace along his cheekbones with the pads of his thumbs. “I know. I trust you.” 

“You’re perfect.” It was barely a whisper but the words found themselves nestled in Cas’s heart. 

“I’m aware.” He joked back, earning his favorite laugh from the other man. 

“Just kiss me you ass.” And so Cas did, soft and sweet. Before it could turn more desperate Dean pulled away. “Now food. For real this time.” 

The minute they were in the hallway Cas immediately missed the feeling of Dean’s hands on him. It was an addiction already, one he didn’t want to be cured of. 

They made their way into the large open room (steadfastly ignoring the way their hands kept brushing). Most of the group was lounging around in between states of eating breakfast or just having conversations, despite it being late morning it didn’t look like everyone had trickled down yet. 

The two of them walked across the living room and towards the kitchen, earning a few cautionary looks from the others. Cas could tell that they were trying to assess if he and Dean were still in an argument. He smirked a little to himself because no… no they were definitely not in an argument anymore. 

His assumptions were confirmed when they moved towards the dining table and found Charlie eating a sugary bowl of cereal. “You guys cool?” She asked, mostly looking to Cas for presumably any sign of distress. 

“Yeah we’re cool.” Dean answered for the both of them. 

There was an overly dramatic sigh of Charlie’s part paired with her throwing half her body over the table in front of her. “Thank god. That would have been worse than when my parents got divorced. I was already trying to figure out the custody situation. Obviously Cas would have gotten primary but I was thinking Dean was going to get every other weekend visitation rights.” 

Dean threw a balled up napkin at her head. “Screw you. Why wouldn’t I have gotten primary?” He asked petulantly. 

She threw the paper ball back at him as she answered, “Because we all like Cas best.” 

Cas couldn’t help but laugh at the kicked puppy look on Dean’s face. 

“Wow. Awesome. That makes me feel great.” Dean threw a light-hearted glare Cas’s way when he realized Cas still hadn’t stopped laughing. 

Charlie just laughed too. “Sucks to suck.” 

Still pouting, Dean bumped shoulders with Cas and asked, “What do you want to eat?” 

“Surprise me.” Cas answered back. 

He found himself hovering around as Dean fiddled in the kitchen, quickly whipping up some omelets and juice. The desire to wrap his arms around Dean as he cooked over the stove, and to steal a kiss as Dean cut up a few orange slices had been quite potent, but Cas staved it down, though it was admittedly harder than he anticipated. By the time they had their breakfast in front of them at the table, Charlie was starting to clean up. 

She smiled at them sitting next to each other. “Seriously guys, I’m glad you worked it out. Just promise me you won’t be divorcing again in the future because I don’t think any of us could handle it. We love you both too much.” 

“We promise.” Cas asserted. He was smiling so wide that she ended up giving him a suspicious side eye before shaking it off. 

“Okay, well later bitches, I’m going to go try and convince Jo to go on an intermediate trail.” 

Dean scoffed. “Good luck with that. She’s worse than me.” 

Charlie just laughed in response before she walked away to go rinse her dishes in the skin. That’s when Dean lowered his voice and leaned a little closer only allowing Cas to hear what he said next. 

“Just so you know. Divorce ain’t an option. Like… you’re stuck with me for life. Thick and thin, rich and poor—all that.” 

He knew Dean was trying to be casual but he also knew there was a weight to Dean’s words. Dean would never say something so meaningful if it didn’t come from a place of raw honesty. Cas’s heart practically leapt out of his chest because it was one thing to hear Dean confess to wanting to be with Cas forever last night in the midst of lust filled desire, but it was another to hear him share so casually his desire to spend the rest of his life with Cas. 

Not wanting to put too much pressure on Dean for the rare sharing of feelings, and also not wanting to potentially cry while responding to Dean’s words, Cas chose to lighten the mood. 

He grimaced, jokingly. “Yikes. Now that you put it that way, is it too late to get out?” 

He knew Dean was appreciative of the gesture with the way he responded. “Shot to the heart….” He exclaimed with a theatrical hand landing on his sternum. 

“You’re so dramatic.” Cas joked back, shoving Dean in the shoulder. He was surprised when Dean captured his hand, pulling it up to his lips and pressing a sweet kiss to his knuckles. He smiled over at the green-eyed man, completely and utterly infatuated. How he got lucky enough to earn this was beyond him. Already instinctually, he leaned forward… just slight enough that it could be an invitation if Dean so wanted to accept. 

To Cas’s surprise, he did. Quick and chaste but a kiss nonetheless. 

A giant gasp was heard behind them and both men turned quickly to see the source. “Oh my god. Oh my god! It happened! It happened.” Charlie whisper-screamed. “You… you two… it happened.” She was looking between the two of them. Dean still had Cas’s hand in his… there was no way she couldn’t have seen the kiss too. 

Cas was too shocked to speak. He looked up at Dean who seemed to be rapidly flipping through emotions and Cas mentally kicked himself for asking for a kiss—he shouldn’t have put Dean in that situation. He knew if he spoke up and asked Charlie to not say a word, that she would keep her mouth shut, no questions asked. He knew that he would even be okay if Dean flat out denied it at this point, it was all too new for Dean to be outted so quickly. 

He looked at Dean but he was unable to decipher the look that was currently painted on his features. Not knowing the best way to handle the situation Cas hurriedly decided to say anything to Charlie to get her to understand that it needed to be kept a secret. 

“Charlie, we’d really—“ he stared but he was quickly cut off. 

“It happened” 

Cas threw a baffled look Dean’s way, only to see the other man smiling at him with gentleness in his eyes. Dean gripped Cas’s hand tighter, it was shaking a little but it was meant to be a reassuring gesture. Cas still worried he’d pushed Dean into this too soon. 

“Dean—you don’t have to…” 

Dean shook his head, leaning forward to kiss Cas once more. “I want this. I don’t want to keep it a secret.” 

Charlie looked between the two of them with excitement clearly plastered on her features. Suddenly there was an unspoken question in her eyes, one directed to Dean—one Dean clearly answered to her liking because the next second she was running to the middle of the living room. 

“EVERYONE GET DOWN HERE! BENNY, GET THE CHAMPAGNE! IT HAPPENED!” It sounded almost like a banshee’s scream, practically rattling the whole house. 

There were loud footsteps as Benny bounded to the top of the stairs. “It happened?” He asked wide-eyed. 

“Yes! Oh my god!” She was actually bouncing like small children would at their own birthday party. 

Dean had Cas by the hand still, pulling him to the living room to see all the commotion. “Champagne?” He asked for the both of them. Dean was just as confused as Cas was. 

No one answered Dean’s question even as Benny came clambering into the room, rushing past them and into the garage. Everyone else came running into the living room a few moments later, smiles on their faces, high fiving everyone around them. A few moments later Benny came back with a bottle of champagne, held above his head victoriously. There was a choral cheer from the group. 

“Anyone care to tell us what the hell is going on?” Dean looked around the room, a mix of embarrassment and amusement were evident in his eyes. 

It was odd too see someone as surly and Benny become giddy with excitement, he was practically fumbling over his words in his haste to get the damn champagne bottle opened. “We… we all trade off who holds on to this. Who… whoever has it when you two finally got together was to be deemed the…. winner.” The cork popped open with a loud pop. 

“You’ve been betting on this?” Dean asked through a laugh. 

Benny held up the bottle in a salute before drinking right from the neck. “For fucking years brother. I stole this from my parents in high school.” 

Cas felt dumbstruck by what was happening. Everyone had been hoping they’d get together? It didn’t seem possible…

“You’ve got to be kidding me.” He heard Dean say at his side. 

“Serious as a heart attack.” Benny exclaimed, passing the bottle around the room. 

Jo was looking quite pouty, and glared at both Cas and Dean as she took a gulp of the bubbly drink. They could tell her scowl was all in good fun. “Ass holes couldn’t wait until next month? It was going to be my turn.” 

Dean let go of Cas’s hand and wrapped it around his shoulders and Cas eagerly stepped into the embrace. “I think we waited long enough,” Cas heard Dean say before a kiss was pressed into his hairline. 

There was some version of, “you don’t say,” and “no shit,” muttered by a handful of people in the group causing everyone to erupt in a fit of laughter. 

They spent the rest morning drinking champagne and mimosas with their friends and laughing at detailed stories on how the group had covertly tried to get them together over the years. Apparently Dean’s prom date canceling on him the week before the dance had actually been Jo’s doing, leaving Dean to spend that night with Cas. And supposedly the camping trip they took freshman year of college, the trip Benny abruptly came down with food poisoning the morning of, leaving Cas and Dean in the forest by themselves, was another go at their friends trying to guide them together. 

On and on they told stories on how they’d tried and failed to get the two idiots to finally get their heads out of their asses. And the whole time, during and after each story, Dean kept turning to Cas, a peaceful smile on his face like _he_ was the one amazed that they’d finally found their way together. Cas knew with certainty he was the lucky one in this situation. 

So, maybe their friends’ attempts to get them together didn’t work, and maybe it took a couple drunken nights, a few overly emotional confrontations, and a freak blizzard to bring them together. And maybe they did have their heads in their asses for a majority of their life, but Cas just couldn’t find it in himself to complain, especially when Cas was now able to lean over and kiss his best friend, no, his _boyfriend_ whenever he wanted. 

And even better? Now he knew with certainty that he’d never have to sleep without Dean by his side again. Yeah, he was the lucky one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm a sucker for full circles :) 
> 
> Ah this is pretty much the ending! I do have a epilogue about 90% ready and I was going to add it to this chapter but it made everything a little too choppy for my liking. I hope to have that posted in the next two days or so, preferably by tomorrow if I can swing it. 
> 
> Anyway, thank you to everyone who has stuck with this story and especially to those who have left such nice comments! I hope it's been enjoyable for you to read. I really do appreciate you all.
> 
> I do have like 4 fics I've been working on (and quite possibly a timestamp for He Didn't Have to Be :D) as well as a couple timestamps for this that I am CONSIDERING... so if you'd like to be notified on any of those, go ahead and subscribe :) 
> 
> Oh and I'm not very good at the whole tumblr thing (I try) but if you want to say hi to me over there I THINK my name is turningthepaiges (yes with an i) 
> 
> :) <3 Paige


	9. Chapter 9

**5 years ago.  
Dean and Cas, 15 years old.**

“What should we do?” 

She fiddled with her coffee mug on the table for a moment before looking up and answering. “I’m not sure.” 

“It seems irresponsible to allow them to spend the night with each other every single night, doesn’t it? It’s not something that most parents let their children do. Sleepovers are supposed to be occasional between friends, at least that’s how I was raised.”

There was a collective sigh between the two adults. Mary didn’t know why she had to be having his conversation with Chuck, she just knew it was time to come back around to it. It’s not that either her or Chuck had a problem with their boys being close, they had just been under the assumption that the boys would take their rule of not sleeping over one weekdays at face value and not bring it up again. It’d been years since they’d given the rule and still they were questioned on it weekly. 

“I agree, but you’ve seen them both Chuck, every weekday they just look like walking zombies, not getting enough sleep.” She sighed thinking about it. Castiel, the poor baby had been walking around with perpetual bags under his eyes for months; Chuck had even gotten a few concerned phone calls from his teachers wondering if things were okay at home. “And just… I can see how _relieved_ they always are when they make it to the weekend, like they’d been counting down the minutes. Each and every time.” 

Chuck rested his head in his hands for a moment. Mary knew he was struggling with what to do. He always seemed to be second-guessing how he was raising Castiel; she knew he dealt with his ex-wife breathing down his neck, judging his role in Gabriel’s life and subsequently Cas’s too. She also understood that he’d never imagined that he’d be a single parent, but was forced into it when his second wife, Castiel’s mother, Hannah died in childbirth. He did his best though, even if he didn’t always think he did. 

“Do you… should we let them?” He asked with uncertainty in his voice. 

Should they let their fifteen-year-old sons have the say in where they slept at night? Should they allow two young boys in high school to sleep in the same bed, snuggled up to each other every night? This wasn’t in any parent handbook Mary knew of. She didn’t know what they _should_ do. 

“I know I shouldn’t care,” She felt a wave of ‘I’m a bad mom’ wash over her as she struggled to find the right phrasing. “I know they’re _our_ children and no one’s opinions on how we raise them should matter, but I just worry what other parents are going to say, you know? Maybe the boys don’t realize it, but there is clearly something there between them. Are we just encouraging them to have alone time when they do realize there is something more than just friendship between them?” 

Chuck looked up at her, blue eyes squinting in a way that was so reminiscent of his son. He appeared to really be struggling with what to do, and even what to say. His head shook side to side revealing that he hoped Mary would be the one to come to a conclusion. 

She pursed her lips in thought before speaking again. “It just seems more apparent to me that keeping them apart during the week makes less sense. You’ve heard both their cases for it. They know they sleep better when they’re together, they always get their homework done, they’re both responsible for getting up and getting to school. They need each other, in a way I cannot understand but I don’t want to keep that from them just because of my own fears of what other parents will think of us.” 

As she said the words she knew that they were true. No matter what other people may think of their decision, she knew deep down it was better for their boys. It pained her to see the despondent way Dean looked every time he walked Cas to the door to say goodnight. It broke something in her each night she woke up to the sound of Cas trying to tip toe into Dean’s room leaving her to be a ‘responsible’ parent and telling him that ‘rules are rules, you have to go home sweetheart.’ 

It didn’t make sense to her yet, but it seemed like for Dean and Cas’s own mental well being she needed to just accept that there was something special about their friendship. 

“So, we’re going to let them?” Chuck asked unsurely. 

“I think we have to.” 

He nodded in agreement. “It might be unconventional but I agree with you.” 

Mary got up and walked over to the coffee pot and poured herself another cup. She peered over at her windowsill and smiled at the small, framed photo of Cas and Dean from their first sleepover. “You know, I always thought that one day they’d grow out of it.” She turned to look at Chuck who had his head tilted slightly, listening attentively. “I just thought that just like lots of kids, they’d drift apart. But here we are, and those boys continue to amaze me. Watching them grow with each other instead of away from each other, I just… can’t imagine what the future will hold for them.” 

Chuck stared at an inconsequential spot on the floor, a fond smile on his face; he looked to be lost in thought for a moment. He was still smiling when he locked eyes with Mary. “I have a feeling we’ll probably be family somewhere down the line.” 

She closed her eyes and smiled in return. “I hope so.” She said with complete honesty. “I mean we already trade off Christmases and everything since the boys _refuse_ to spend any holidays apart.” 

Chuck shook his head in warm amusement because he knew how true that was. “Do you think they realize?” 

“I don’t know but I think someday they just might.” 

Later that night they called the boys in from the living room. It wasn’t uncommon that they had dinner all together. The food still wasn’t ready yet but Mary and Chuck figured that the sooner they told the boys the better. There wasn’t a point in waiting any longer. 

“Boys, can we talk to you?” 

Sam was at a friend’s house for the night, so only Cas and Dean came clambering in. 

“Yeah? What’s up?” Dean asked, looking around the table like he expected food. 

Chuck and Mary were sitting at the table and gestured for the boys to sit down across from them. She could see by the worried glances they threw each other’s way that they were expecting something bad. Not wanting to cause them anymore panic she started. 

“Chuck and I… we’ve been talking and we have been thinking a lot about your boys’ sleeping arrangements.” 

Apparently she hadn’t worded that correctly based on the way Dean’s eyes widened in immediate panic. Frantically he started fumbling over his words, cutting Mary off from continuing with what she’d planned to say. 

“Mom—please. Please don’t make us stop.” He reached over and gripped Cas’s hand tight. “We’ve followed all the rules. We go to our own beds every night, we always do our homework, we always have our chores done, and I swear we’ve stopped sneaking over to each other’s houses at night. I swear we are following the rules. Please, please don’t make us stop even on the weekends. I—I—please.” Dean trailed off and the two boys looked over at each other terrified. 

She didn’t think it would be appropriate to laugh at that moment, but it was just so sweet to her how important being close to Cas was to her son. “Dean, sweetheart, that’s not what I was going to say.” 

“You weren’t?” 

She offered her kindest smile and shook her head, seeing both Dean and Cas visually relax. “No, I was actually going to say that Chuck and I have both reconsidered. We think that you boys have made some valid arguments for being able to stay the night with one another whenever you want and… we are willing to give you a trial run.” 

She could see life flood back into Cas’s eyes as he looked between both Mary and Chuck. “You mean we don’t have to wait until the weekends anymore?” 

Chuck was the one to speak this time. “No, you don’t have to wait until the weekend.” He paused as the boys looked at each other like they were just given the greatest gift on earth… Chuck broke into their moment to give them the dutiful ‘responsible parent spiel’ he and Mary had decided on. “But there are rules. We still want to see our children so we’d appreciate it if you divvy up time between our houses. We expect that you will continue to have all your schoolwork done and that you will not be late or miss any school because of this arrangement. You also cannot ignore your chores: rooms cleaned, bathrooms picked up, and trash taken out, no exceptions. Do you understand?” 

Both boys were nodding like maniacs. And Mary couldn’t help but laugh when Dean actually got up to hug her. “Yes! Yes. We understand. Thank you!” 

That night at dinner, when she could no longer see any trace of tension in either boy’s shoulders, she peered over at Chuck to see him also smiling fondly. It was the knowing look between the two parents that told them that they’d definitely made the right choice. And even later that night, hearing the way her son had whispered to his best friend, when he thought they were out of earshot, how _happy_ he was to never have to be away from Cas again—well it almost made her tear up. 

She couldn’t resist peeking into Dean’s bedroom, where the boys had chosen to stay that night. It was dark in his room except for the light that peeked in from the hallway, but she could still see them lying in the middle of the bed. She smiled at the sight of Cas’s head perched on Dean’s shoulder, with Dean’s own lulling against him. They both looked like they were scared the other was going to fly away, as Castiel’s hand tightly gripped the front of Dean’s shirt while her son’s arms were both wrapped around Cas in a secure embrace. 

Mary didn’t know what would happen in the future but looking at the way her son and his best friend wrapped around each other like a lifeline, she couldn’t hope for anything more for his future. She knew angels had to be watching over him to bring her son someone as understanding, kind, and devoted at Castiel. Deep down, she prayed they’d always have this, that they’d always have each other. Because even at six years old, when she first found them wrapped together, she knew there was something profound between the two of them. 

* * *

**Epilogue,  
Dean and Cas, 26 years old. **

_Cas: I’m getting a cab now. I’ll be home soon. You better be asleep and not reading this._

Dean smiled at the message on the screen. He knew better than to reply, he could at least pretend in the fifteen minutes that it took Cas to get home, that he was still asleep. But he knew Cas knew better than to believe it. 

It wasn’t long before he heard the front door opening, closing, and locking, followed by the soft fall of dress shoes on the hardwood floor. He heard the creak of their bedroom door, and peered across the room in the darkness to see Cas moving stealthy towards their closet. The sound of shoes slipping off, trench coat falling to the ground, and Cas’s several layers of clothing following filled Dean with a satisfied warmth. 

It took merely minutes before Cas was sliding into their bed, a contented sigh falling from his lips. Immediately, Dean pulled him into his arms, pressing a firm kiss to his lips. 

“Why are you still up?” Cas asked, trying to sound upset but failing. 

Dean kissed him again, long and slow this time. “Couldn’t sleep.” 

When they pulled apart from the kiss they both shuffled around on the bed to get into a comfortable position. They wound up on their sides facing each other, arms wrapped around each other’s waists with just enough space between them that Dean could still press kisses to his lover’s lips. 

“You’re suppose to be up for work in five hours.” Cas chastised lightly. Dean knew deep down that Cas loved that Dean stayed up and waited for him. 

Dean groaned thinking about what Cas said… he hated the months he got stuck with Saturday morning patrols. Jody did her best to divvy them out amongst everyone at the station equally but it still didn’t make him hate it any less. 

“I know…” he complained. “But you know I can’t sleep without you here.” He kissed Cas again, still completely addicted to those lips. “How was tonight?”

“Good.” Dean could hear the honest smile in Cas’s voice. “I wished I was home with you though.” 

“Going to bed at 8 on a Friday night sounded more fun than your brother’s divorce party?” 

Cas laughed. “He was married to her for two months. I don’t feel that he was locked down long enough to be celebrating his ‘freedom.’” 

“He just wanted an excuse to get his dad and all his siblings drunk with him.” 

“Well he succeeded.” Dean wanted to ask if Gabe was able to talk Chuck into singing karaoke, but figured he could call the man in the morning and ask, being as he couldn’t be there that night. “He was still pissed you weren’t there.” Cas said, almost like he’d read Dean’s mind. 

“I probably should have been considering I didn’t even get any sleep like I planned.” 

Cas settled a little closer, “We can sleep now.” He whispered contently. 

“What? No sexy time.” Dean asked with a small wiggle of his hips—he was only semi joking. It might have been one in the morning but he’d never say no to making love to his man. 

Cas was always the more responsible of the two. “Not when you have to be on patrol in a couple of hours.” 

“Killjoy.” Dean pouted. 

Cas took the opportunity to playfully nip at Dean’s bottom lip. “But I promise you all the sexy time when you get home.” 

And damn did Dean love the sound of that. The thought of getting Cas naked the moment he got home was definitely going to be enough to get him through the long, exhausting day ahead of him. “There will be so much sexy time. So much of it.” Dean vowed making Cas laugh. 

“You’re delirious. Go to sleep.” 

And well, with Cas warm and safe in his arms he couldn’t deny that he was now starting to feel the weight of sleep pulling him under. He pressed forward just enough to capture another kiss. 

“I love you.” Dean whispered into the sliver of space between them. 

“I love you too.” 

He closed his eyes, ready to fall asleep. He loved these moments, the quiet moments where it was just the two of them, in bed together talking about their day, or just soaking up each other’s company. Hell, he loved all their moments, even the moments when they argued over chores or money or what the hell to eat for dinner that night. God, he just loved being in love with his best friend. He didn’t know how anyone could live without what they had. 

“Hey Cas?” 

Cas took a while to respond and Dean knew he was debating ignoring Dean to make him sleep, or indulging Dean. He chose the later. “Yes Dean?” He asked sleepily. 

“That’s never going to be us right?” Dean knew Cas didn’t need an explanation to know what he was asking. It was another thing he loved. 

Cas tightened his arms around Dean’s waist as he promised, “You know it wont be.” He knew Dean was asking about if they’d ever end up like Gabriel and Kali, celebrating their freedom from one another. 

“You’re still happy?” Even though he knew the answer, Dean still felt that he needed to make sure sometimes. He knew he wasn’t great with words, didn’t always tell Cas how much he meant to him… but he tried. He tried in the ways he could and he hoped that it was enough to make Cas not give up on him. 

“You know I am. This life with you is more than I could have ever dreamed for myself. _You’re_ more than I could have ever dreamed for myself.” 

By god, if he couldn’t love Castiel any more. “It’s always been you. It will always be you.” Dean swore, stealing another kiss. 

“It’s always been you too,” he heard the smile in Cas’s voice. “That’s why I married you.” 

And yeah… Dean knew he was the luckiest son of a bitch to ever walk the planet. Three years married to his best friend, with a lifetime ahead of them… He still couldn’t get over it. 

“Best day of my life.” 

Dean knew Cas didn’t have any words at that moment, was always speechless when Dean spoke about how blessed he was to have married his best friend. Not needing him to say anything, Dean pressed a deep, hungry kiss to Cas’s lips at that moment. They didn’t need any words, they never did; they knew each other better than anyone else in the word and it was an incredible thing, so they poured everything they could into that kiss that words couldn’t express. 

With his arms settled around his best friend, his partner, his husband—the person who taught him exactly what the meaning of home truly was, Dean felt complete. It was only a matter of seconds before he fell asleep.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Please let me know what you think. :) If you’re interested in reading anything else I’ve written be sure to check these out. 
> 
> [He Didn’t Have to Be](https://archiveofourown.org/works/9686360/chapters/21867404%20) Dean is 23 years old and raising his 3 year old brother Sam as his own. Castiel comes into their life and Dean falls hard and fast but quickly begins to question if he’s even worthy of being loved. Sammy is the most adorable toddler to ever live. 
> 
> [Don’t You Wanna Stay](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10634991) Cas has been in love with Dean since high school and when Dean and him go from best friends to falling into a ‘friends with benefits’ relationship Cas thinks he’s happy with the situation. But five years later Cas starts questioning if this is really the kind of life he wants. He loves Dean but he’s sick of getting hurt.
> 
> [He Wouldn’t Be Gone](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11261616%20) A year after Cas walked out on their relationship, Dean has to face his ex again at a wedding of all places. Did Dean mention Cas left him the night before he was going to propose? It was going to take a whole lot of whiskey but he was bound and determined to get through the night.
> 
> [There Goes My Life](https://archiveofourown.org/works/12011787/chapters/27182904%20) (WIP) Dean never expected the night he was going to ask Cas to be his that Cas would come home with a baby. 
> 
> [Alright](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11589315/chapters/26046594%20) (WIP) Dean’s grown up with a good head on his shoulders. Cas has grown up being overlooked, never knowing what friendship is. Dean makes it his mission to be the friend he knows Cas deserves.


End file.
